THE RAP
The students filed in the room’s door and chose a seat among the circle of chairs. The mostly silent group sat with only a few murmers of conversation. They waited for Mann, one of the staff teamleaders, to join them and begin. The students sat in uncomfortable anticipation for the next minute or so before he entered and took the last seat. Mann looked around briefly and an overly friendly smile grew on his face. “Howz everybody doing.” His greeting was met with a less than enthusiastic response from the rest of the room. “Ok. Who wants to start.” Before the phrase exited his lips three hands shot up simultaneously, but just one voice got in before anyone else’s. “I need to talk”. Mann gave a nod to Michael who immediately got up and switched places with a girl, Michelle, on the opposite side of the circle. Upon sitting directly across from Dan he breathed a sigh. ”Ok Dan, you gotta stop breaking bans with me. You were breakin bans on dishes last night and in the dorm. I wanna talk with you but we’ll never get off bans if you keep doin this.” “When were you breakin bans in the dorm?” Mann injected this comment. “Well, he knocked my toothbrush off the…” “Don’t address me address him!” Mann cut off Michael in mid-sentence. Michael breathed another deep sigh and looked at Dan. “Last night you knocked my toothbrush off the sink and you kept handing it to me even though you knew we were on bans. I know you’re kind of new and we were kind of jokin around for a little bit, but I took my toothbrush and you still were breaking bans after I told you to stop. And you broke bans with me on dishes last night. I mean aren’t you sick of doing dishes? Just stop breaking bans ok?” “Why’re you breakin bans Dan!?” Dan rolled his eyes in an ‘are you serious’ kind of way. “What! I dropped his toothbrush and gave it to him!” “Oh Cmon!... your full of shit! What do you have to say to him Michael?” Taking Mann’s cue Michael began, “Alright all I’m sayin is you KNOW you’re breakin bans and I’m sick of dishes so stop breakin bans with me.” “Who’s your dormhead? Kevin right? Kevin what’s going on in your dorm? Where are you in this?” “I told them to stop breaking bans!” As Kevin made this statement another student, Bryan, got up and switched seats so he sat opposite of Kevin. “Yeah, that’s bullshit Kevin. I see you letting them break bans all the time. Every time I do laundry I see them breaking bans. Plus you guys ALL take longer than five minutes in the shower. My dorm is tight and I think all you guys are slackers. If someones late to house around the pit it’s usually from your room.” Mann’s voice entered. “Is that true Kevin?” “No! I’m always callin them on their shit.” “C’mon man, you know you let them get away with shit.” Bryan said blandly. “Dude that’s bullshit!” Kevin barely had time to yell this out before Mann interjected. “NO YOU’RE BULLSHIT! Tell you what! All three of you are on dishes tonight and Kevin you and I will talk after this is over! We’re movin on! Who else!?”
Carol raised her hand. “Can I go.” “Ok what’s goin on with you?” Mann said this in a caring voice that changed almost instantly from the harsh one he’d just directed at Kevin. Carol immediately got up and exchanged her seat. Carol now sat across from an older student, Nicole. “So Nicole, I just wanted to say I was hoping you’d come sit with me on my table. You’re one of the only people allowed to sit with me that I really want to talk to and I’m bummed you haven’t come to see me lately.” Nicole smiled back. “I’m sorry. I miss seeing you around the house too. I promise I’ll come sit with you soon.” “What else is goin on Carol?” Mann’s inquisition pinned Carols’ mind. “Well, I guess I’m feeling pretty lonely. It’s been almost four weeks on my fulltime and I really miss talking to some of my friends.” “Yeah, you bet. What else is goin on?” “I don’t know I’m just having a hard time I guess. I’m sick of doing writing assignments and I haven’t been off bans from anyone in a long time.” “You bet! What does that feel like?” “I don’t know. I’m sad and pissed off that I have to sit there all day!” Mann then came in with his familiar dialect. “Show me what that feels like. What’s your little kid saying right now?” Carol was stunned by the question. “CMON! WHAT’S IT FEEL LIKE CAROL!” Carol only began to cry but held back. “Yknow what I see Carol? Someone whose just trying to hold it together…. day after day. When are you finally let yourself feel what’s going on?” Carol bent forward and put her face in her palms. For the moment the room was silent. “It’s OK Carol. It’s right there. Just give into it. What’s it feel like to be you right now?” “I FEEL LIKE SHIT!” “Yeah. That’s it right there. How bad does it feel?” Carol took her hands from her face and clasped her knees. “IT FUCKING SUCKS! I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT! I WANT TO TALK TO MY FRIENDS! I’M SICK OF THIS FUCKING FULL-TIME! FUUUUCK!” “That’s right! What else is going on in there?” Carol hung her head between her legs sobbing and between each breath she screamed “FUCK! FUUUUCK!” “There’s a lot going on inside you right now isn’t there? How hard is it for you to know your actions got you here?” Tears began dripping off her cheeks onto the floor as she listened to Mann. “C’mon what’s your little kid want to say right now? What’s She telling you?” At this point Carol exploded. “FUUUCK YOOOUU! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS FUCKING UP! YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! FUUCK YOOUU! FUUUCK! FUUUCK!” As she continued screaming Mann softly encouraged her. “You bet. That’s it Carol. That’s the feeling right there.” Slowly Carol began to run out of energy and stopped screaming. She breathed deeply and continued crying. “It’s been a long time since you listened to that voice hasn’t it? Tell me more about what you’re feeling?” “I’m feeling sa-a-ad.” And her bawling deepened. “Yeah…. What about alone? Are you feeling lonely?” “Y-y-yesss” “Yeah… that’s a lot to carry around isn’t it?” Carol only followed Mann’s comment with another wave of deep sobbing. “I bet your feeling hopeless also. Is hopeless there right now?” “H-hyessss! I feel fuckiNG HOPELEEEESSSS!” She barely had the energy or breath to yell out this final time and slumped back into her exhausted body. She continued to cry. “ I want you to just sit with that feeling for awhile. OK? Let’s move on.”
“Who else needs to talk today?” Mann scanned the room and fixed his eyes on Tim who froze in his stare. “Tim didn’t you have someone you needed to talk to in here?” Without responding he got up and exchanged his seat. Looking at Tony he said, “OK, I just think you’ve been spending a lot of time alone lately. I always see you by yourself reading a book instead of socializing. I just think you could spend a little more time with other people that’s all.” “Mmmm OK” Tony said. “What do you mean mmmm ok?! It sounds like you don’t agree with what he said.” Tony then responded to Mann,” I just don’t think I’ve been isolating. If there’s free time I don’t see why I can’t read for a little while.” Just then Michelle got up and sat across from Tony. “I see you reading all the time too. I don’t think you’re being honest. You know you’ve been isolating lately.” Tony didn’t argue back but just folded his arms in frustration. “What’s the problem Tony?! Why won’t you hear what they’re telling you?” Tony knew he had to respond to Mann. “Fine! I won’t read as much. I’ll spend more time with people. OK.” “Nope that’s not good enough. Who’s your big brother?” Tony rolled his eyes. “Chris”. “Why hasn’t Chris been hanging out with you?” “He has been just not all the time.” “Ok Tony, as of now you’re on bans from books and I want to see you and Chris right afterwards, got it? Y’know there’s all these people around you. You need to stop shutting everybody out. Ok who else do we need to get to today?”
“You! New guy!” Mann’s smiling face looked over toward the newest member, Steve, who’d only been there a few days. He froze a moment. “Me?” “Yeah you! What do you think of all this? How many raps is this for you?” “Two.” “So what do you think so far?” Steve was at a loss for words but he managed to get out, “It’s kind of weird. I don’t know.” Mann laughed. “That’s ok we get that here. It might seem weird to you now, but this is a place where we can work out our issues in a safe way. Some people have some anger they need to deal with and raps are the appropriate place to deal with that, not out there. So how have you been since arriving here?” “Ummmmm. I wouldn’t say I’m great.” “Well thats ok. You don’t have to feel great about being here.” Steve didn’t say anything, just sat uncomfortably in the gaze of Mann who smiled in satisfaction. He continued to stare down Steve for a few moments seeming to take pleasure in watching him squirm simply for being put on the spot. “Ok I’ll leave you alone for now.” Mann said this jokingly.
“Let’s see. Oh! I know who I need to talk to. Where’s Jeff..there he is. Jeff! What’s the deal with your personal area?” Jeff shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s completely empty except for that calendar and I might as well start with that. Why is the only thing in your personal area a calendar marked with X’s? You’re just counting the days ‘till you can leave is that right?” “Yeah pretty much.” “ Yknow your head is nowhere NEAR this program. You choose to stay in your shit every moment you’re here. You’ve still got a long time before you’re going anywhere so why don’t you focus on being here?” “Cuz I hate it here.” Katie got up and sat across from Jeff. “I think you hate it here cuz you make it that way for yourself. If you spent less time hating this place and more time on your friendships maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. And after awhile people don’t want to listen to you complain about being here. I think you push people away because you don’t want to invest yourself in friends since you only think of leaving.” Next to Katie sat Mandi who chimed in. “Yeah, I agree with Katie. You keep yourself pretty shallow. I think you could invest more of yourself here.” Just the Mann interrupted. “Well what about you Mandi? Seems like you could invest more of yourself too.” “Yeah Mandi! You’re always talking about leaving too! Take a look at yourself before you come at me with that shit!” Jeff declared. “I heard you talking about wanting to leave just the other day! You and Leslie!” Mann now focused solely on Mandi. “What’s that about Mandi. What were you and Leslie saying?” “We weren’t saying anything. We just were sick of being here!” “No I heard you say you’d be gone if you didn’t live so far away.” Jeff was smug in this comment knowing he was off the hotseat. “God! I wasn’t serious I just…..” “That sounds like a split contract to me!” Mann cut Mandi off. “Do you have a split contract with Leslie?” “No! I do NOT have a split contract. It may have souded like it but….” “But WHAT! Your talking about splitting. How close are you to doing that? Whats going on with you that’s so bad you’re talking about splitting?” “Nothing’s going on I was just frustrated.” “I think you got a lot more going on than that. And you and Leslie are just bringing each other down. You need to start hanging out with people that will keep your head where it needs to be. Tell you what by the end of the rap I want you to give me the name of a Discovery student who you will tell your story to by tomorrow afternoon.” Across the room Dan leaned back in his chair to get a look at the clock. Only 43 minutes had passed. “Dan! Why are you looking over there!” “Sorry I just wanted to…..” “Your attention needs to be in here OK!?” “OK! Sorry.”
Mann sat back in his chair and he glanced around. “O…..kaaaay.” “Actually can I talk?” Monica was raising her hand. “Go ahead. What’s going on.” Mann sat forward in his chair and rested his chin on his fist over his knee in a Thinker pose. “Lately I’ve just felt shitty about lots of things. I miss home a lot and like my older sister got married three days ago and I couldn’t go and I really w-wanted to go…..” She stopped for a second and her eyes became glassy. “It’s ok… go on.” Monica took a deep breath. “Ok so I’ve been trying to ignore that cuz there’s nothing I can do, but it still really bothers me that I couldn’t b-be th-there.” She began to cry. “And I feel like my judgements have really been running me lately. Like I feel like some of my clothes don’t fit and, I don’t know, I’m always watching everything I eat. Like I feel like I can’t even drink juice cuz of the sugar. And… I just…” At that moment Monica flung herself forward in her chair and clenched her fists. “FUUUUCK! I FUCKING HATE IT HERE! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY FUCKING SISTERS WEDDING! FUUUUCK!” “How bad did you want to be there Mandy?” Mann’s voice was soft and caring. “I WANTED TO GO SO FUCKING BAD! IT FUCKING SUCKS BEING HERE! FUUUUUCK! AND I’M FUCKING SICK OF WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING I EAT! FUUUCK YOU YOU FAT FUCKING PIG! FUUUUUUUCK! FU-HU-HUCK!” Mandy continued in a rage while Mann spoke to her. “Yeah….. there’s a lot of feelings inside you. At some point you gotta let those feelings out.” When she stopped screaming she just sat and cried facing the floor. Then Carol, having composed herself, got up and sat across from Monica. “Um Monica I couldn’t go to my brothers wedding so I really understand how much that sucks. That was a tough time for me too. I just wanted to say that.” Monica sat back up in her chair and wiped the tears from her face. “Thanks.” The room sat silent for a moment. “Ok I think I’m done.” But Mann continued looking at her. “Wh-hat are you looking at?” She said half laughing. “Nothing” Mann began smiling back at her. “It’s just good to see the real you once in awhile.” She rolled her eyes and smiled. “Alright already I’m done.”
“Ok. Moving on.”
“I gotta say something.” Kevin got up and sat across from Bryan. “Last week your dorm was still using the laundry room when it was our dorms time. I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t do that from now on.” Bryan sat forward. “Whatever man. You’re so full of shit. The other washer wasn’t even being used when I got my clothes out. You’re just playing games.” “I’m not playing games! Dude you know we only have so much time to use the laundry room.” “Oh come off it Kevin!” Mann again entered the conversation. “If this was such a problem for you why didn’t you bring it up last week?” “I would’ve I just never got the chance too!” “Oh cut the crap Kevin. You could’ve told him yourself at anytime. Bryan did he bring this up to you before this?” “Nope.” Bryan said confidently. “What’s the real reason you’re doing this Kevin. Are you just pissed at Bryan for pulling you up when you were out of line?” Just then Helen and Monica got up to sit across from Kevin. Helen began, “Yeah I think you’re just playing games. I don’t think you have any real issues, you’re just trying to get back at Bryan. It really pisses me off that you come in here and pretend you have issues.” Monica quickly grabbed her opportunity to speak. “Yeah I think you’re full of shit and personally it pisses me off because you make it feel unsafe to be here. I have real issues I want to deal with and it’s really disrespectful when you bring your bullshit in here.” “I’m not full of shit I really….” Kevin was cut off by Bryans voice. “You are so full of shit! Are you telling me you didn’t have one chance to bring this up to me in the last week?” “I don’t know maybe but….. “ “Oh get HONEST! Y’know you make it extremely unsafe for people here. Others here have real things they need to talk about.” Amidst the bickering Dan snuck a quick look at the clock...... two hours forty five minutes to go…………
