By SAM MILLER
The Orange County Register
When parents are scared of their kids, the solution isn't usually a tough love camp out in the wilderness, local experts say. It's counseling.
"Tough love camps are like going under the knife for back surgery before going to the chiropracter," said Tim Chapman, executive director of Teensaves. "You don't go to the extreme. In three or four sessions (with troubled teens), I've been able to debrief their emotions and deal with their resentments."
Alfonso Bustamante, a pediatric psychologist at Children's Hospital of Orange County, agreed.
"Sometimes they want a quick fix. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say if the kid is out of control and angry, there are deeper reasons for that. It didn't happen two weeks ago."
Children who are agressively misbehaving are reflecting years of baggage, he said. And if parents are at the point of fear, they probably have some culpability.
"If the kid sees mom and dad throwing things around, using the "F" word, he's learning what a husband acts like, what a man acts like," Bustamante said.
When adolescents are angry, they're likely to take it out on the people who are least likely to leave them over it, Chapman said. That means mom and dad bear the brunt of it.
"Mom and Dad are for the most part either stuck with me, or I know they love me and they're not going to go anywhere. So I can project the anger at them," he said.
As soon as a parent begins to fear for his child -- that he'll hurt somebody else, or himself -- it is time to work on fixing that relationship, Chapman said.
If it reaches the point where he is physically abusive, then it is time to take an extreme step.
"You need to say this is totally out of control, call the police, have them intervene. Sometimes just them coming out helps. The intent in juvenile law is to rehabilitate, not to punish. So talk to the judge and say, 'Can we get my kid in some kind of treatment or counseling?'"
Parents should never be afraid to discipline their children, but punishments should be about consequences and privilages, not insults and screaming, both men said.
And while it might seem too late to rebuild a relationship with an adolescent who is acting out violently, Bustamente says that's not so.
"As a parent, you get to do do-overs," Bustamente said. "You get a lot of do-overs. We all make mistakes and the goal is that you're teaching your kids to say you're sorry. You're the model."
