Author Topic: Relationships with parents post-program (Read 2071 times)

AuntieEm2 · « **on:** July 08, 2008, 01:53:01 PM »

Okay, I'm reposting a "lost" topic.

What was your relationship with your parents like after your time in a program? Compared to before the program?

AuntieEm

Anonymous · « **Reply #1 on:** July 08, 2008, 06:26:30 PM »

Their mangled, brutalized corpses don't give me any more trouble.

AuntieEm2 · « **Reply #2 on:** July 08, 2008, 06:47:06 PM »

Alrighty, then, so I've marked one in the "parents non-responsive" column.

Auntie Em

TheWho · « **Reply #3 on:** July 08, 2008, 07:20:14 PM »

I think what was interesting with most of the kids I spoke with and my own daughter inparticular is that the relationship with the parents and siblings was difficult for the first few weeks after being reunited with their family. My wife and I were not use to our daughter speaking to us as an adult. By an adult I meant we were actually having a conversation instead of a power struggle. It was tough and she made some initial choices that I disagreed with like reuniting with her old friends. She regressed back to her old partying ways like dipping her toe back into the water for a short period. But (in hindsight) this was to be expected since she had been in such a controlled and structured environment for a year or so and needed to go back to see what she missed during that time. What she found out was her friends had remained unchanged and she had matured and out grew her previous self destructive ways. After a few weeks she found she no longer had anything in common with her old friends and started seeking out new people to hang around with and new activities. I have to admit that I wasn’t happy with her initial decisions but atleast we were able to talk about our differences and she was able to communicate how she was feeling and agree on a time that she would be home, where we could reach her etc. and this was a monumental step. She respected our concerns, it seemed.

I would say from her perspective it was extremely difficult coming home and forming new relationships, seeing her old friends in a new light and probably feeling very alone with having to make a new start. But she handled the challenge very well and is happy and has, in most respects, moved on with her life.

...

Anonymous · « **Reply #4 on:** July 08, 2008, 09:33:18 PM »

Old copypasta is old.

Anonymous · « **Reply #5 on:** July 08, 2008, 10:02:01 PM »

I think what was interesting with most of the jerks I spoke with and my own daughter inparticular is that the relationship with the muff sniffing spanks and charvers was difficult for the asslicking first few weeks after being raided with their family. My wife and I were not use to our daughter fomping to us as an adult. By an adult I meant we were actually spanking a conversation instead of a smooching power struggle. It was tough and she made some initial choices that I disagreed with like fingering with her old friends. She regressed back to her old partying ways like dipping her toe back into the gamahucheing water for a licking short period. But (in hindsight) this was to be gangbanged since she had been in such a controlled and structured environment for a year or so and needed to go back to see what she deep throated cocksucking that time. What she found out was her friends had remained unchanged and she had charvered and out grew her previous self destructive ways. After a few weeks she found she no longer had anything in common with her old friends and started raiding out new people to hang around with and new raunchs. I have to admit that I wasn’t happy with her initial decisions but atleast we were able to talk about our differences and she was able to communicate how she was feeling and agree on a smacking time that she would be home, where we could reach her etc. and fucks was a monumental step. She respected our shafts, it entered.

I would say from her perspective it was extremely difficult coming home and deep throating new relationships, shafting her old friends in a new light and probably fingering very alone with entering to make a new start. But she handled the thrusting challenge very well and is happy and has, in most respects, aardvarked on with her life.

AuntieEm2 · « **Reply #6 on:** July 09, 2008, 11:55:04 AM »

This was sent to me in a private message with permission to share (thank you).

One observes that a cordial relationship does not necessarily mean a genuine one. Relationships in our family are strained across the board because of what has happened to my niece, but you would not know it by observing a family get together.

Auntie Em

Quote

In a word: Strained.

I never trusted them again. They do not know me. They know what they want me to be, and they know a little bit about my life; precious little.

I left them as fast as I could, and I went as far away as possible. I've kept my experiences close to the vest, only revealing physical abuses while in the "program" in the last year.

If you choose to post this, kindly post it Anon.

Thanks.

Anonymous · « **Reply #7 on:** July 09, 2008, 12:34:22 PM »

When i got back I tortured them with my bullshit to the point that they decided to get me my own apartment for me and pay my rent for the next decade, and open access to my trust fund early.

I get along with them, if they get along with me. i dont get in their way, they dont get in mine.

we have a good relationship.

Anonymous · « **Reply #8 on:** July 09, 2008, 09:32:16 PM »

Quote from: "Guess"

Their mangled, brutalized corpses don't give me any more trouble.

The Butcher · « **Reply #9 on:** July 10, 2008, 01:04:12 AM »

Quote from: "Beautiful!"

Quote from: "Guess"
Their mangled, brutalized corpses don't give me any more trouble.

Anonymous · « **Reply #10 on:** August 03, 2008, 05:37:27 PM »

For the most part, it seemed to me like living with parents post program was just an extension of the program. Lighter and with a few more right, but the same mindset and philosophy. The black and white thinking is what did the most damage in my family. The "exit plans" that still had that element of coerced or forced behavior. People have spoken before about how programs interrupted a child's life. That's completely true. Adolescence is supposed to be a time of cutting the apron strings. Figuring out who you are as a person. What you believe in. Your own sense of right and wrong, separate from your parents. Historically, this has included risky and dangerous behavior. It's inherent. It's an integral part of it. If you interrupt that process, no matter how good the intent in doing so, you delay the inevitable and very likely will make the situation so much worse.

Parents feel it when the kids begin to break away discover the fact that they have their own minds, thoughts and beliefs. This is a scary time for them. They know they're slowly, but SURELY, losing control and it terrifies them. Quite often understandably. But the harder they fight against it, the harder the kids push back. This is NOT the time for a battle of Wills, and I believe that a huge percentage of kids that end up in programs are victims of parents who walk that line between genuinely being scared and hating to lose, or lose control.

The only time I began to really grow and learn about life was after I got away from not only the program, but like-minded people. Just like our parents are trained to be towards us. It's a sad legacy.

AuntieEm2 · « **Reply #11 on:** August 03, 2008, 08:40:06 PM »

Thank you for your insights, inale.

I agree that that teenage years are a time when loving parents help their children to grow up and learn to be adults by handing them increasing levels of responsiblity and autonomy--and expecting there will be some screw ups and even major difficulties. Infantalizing teens in programs does not help them learn to be adults. It is not love. It is obsessive, fearful control (as you say).

Hard data from the CDC shows that death in one's teens is extremely rare in the United States. Mortality among teens continues to trend downwards. Even if all those who die in their teens died from high-risk behavior, which they do not, that would still only be 4 deaths in 1,000 teens engaged in the highest risk behavior. A teen is far more likely to die from being in the car with a parent who climbs behind the wheel drunk; parents may be a bigger threat to teens than the teens themselves.

My niece--in a program for 29 months--does not know how to drive, manage a checkbook, or use the Internet. She has not been on a first date, she has not attended family milestone events such as weddings and graduations in the role of young adult, and she has never held a job. Sadly, I believe her parents will abdicate their role as parents AGAIN and contract with one of the "finishing schools" to do this bit of parenting for them, too.

You would think the girl had no family at all. Her parents have shunned her, and the rest of us are barred from any contact with her, when we would gladly give her a place to stay and lovingly help her through the sometimes messy business of growing up.

Auntie Em

Anonymous · « **Reply #12 on:** August 04, 2008, 07:42:37 PM »

Due to the fact that I'd essentially been living away from home since I was 14 (with not even a year inbetween programs with my father) I'd say... disconnected. I didn't need them any more emotionally. It's tough, because my mom certainly doesn't deserve that. She's always stood by me, and had she known how horrible that place was, she'd have pulled me, and she said so.

But nobody knew.

Not even me.

My dad can go to hell, though. Not exclusively because of his decision to place me, just because he's a cold-assed pain in the ass. My sister has the same problem with him, and she wasn't sent anywhere, so it's obviously His Problem, not ours.

After I left, I couldn't get to college and away from him fast enough. (I was living with him.) Summer break between freshman and softmore year, I found a minimum wage job and a sublet that same week, and moved out on father's day. After that, I only visited for christmas (both parents) once, and I swore I'd never go back.

And I haven't. They come out here if they want to see me. I fully acknowledge that I am a selfish bastard regarding this as well. But it's how my brain is wired at this point. I just don't feel anything. And when I go for months without returning their calls, it's valid that they worry. I have to literally force myself to care, and that's not fair to them.

It's been 20 years, you can't pay for your past mistakes and transgressions against your child forever. (unless it's something inexcusable like molestation) I wish I could rewire how I feel, or don't feel. The only thing I feel is that I'm a jerkface.

Anonymous · « **Reply #13 on:** September 15, 2008, 11:12:52 AM »

Thanks for telling your story here.

iamartsy · « **Reply #14 on:** September 15, 2008, 07:11:09 PM »

24 years later and nothing has changed. My dad is still abusive. My mom still tells me I am imagining the abuse. The hurricane has reminded me of how poorly we got along and what got me sent off to treatment. They were sick. I was well, and the scapegoat. Since I spoke the truth I got sent off. I don't trusts any of my sibs or my parents. Had you asked me this before the hurricane my answer would have been different. I thought my mom and I trusted each other, but today I am sad and disillusioned. Near breaking point with useless siblings. I had removed myself from the equation for 15 years and was brought back 10 years ago to take care of them. My hurricane relocation will probably be out of town. Iamartsy

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