leaders don't change diapers. leaders teach others how to change their own damn diapers. john underwood was then and (i suspect) is still a leader.
when i stumbled upon this site and began to read some of the blaming and complaining i was taken aback. i just never felt that way. i was not a bit surprised that the voice of reason presented as john underwood. of all the senior staff he always seemed to be very focused, balanced and consistent to me.
i have three distinct memories of john. once the day i came in and he met my eye. (scary) once as an oldcomer as i was proudly walking my first newcomer out to the car and he said: "your hair's gettin' a little long isn't it?" and once as an oldtimer when i (also proudly) rode my motorcycle to the meeting and he said: "bikes are an old tie for you aren't they?" brevity was johns' kung foo and it was like a kick in the head every time. truth is like that.
i am grateful for the "insight" into what really happened at the end. i have always wondered.
i kinda knew something was up when jackie gleason donated a stretch mercedes limo to the program. art drove it in through the big doors at an open meeting to big applause, parked it between the south wall and the group, and announced that it would be sold to benefit the program. i saw it several times after that. i don't think it was sold.
a few months later, darlene called me out of the oldtimers rap to ask me about my attending church. she questioned my loyalty saying; "the seed saved your life, not that church" and "you have a lot to think about before you come back to the group". i was floored! i didn't stop going to oldtimers raps and no more was said about it but things never smelled right after that.
i used to go back to the seed every once in a while during the day for over a year after i graduated. i'd sit on security or help get lunch ready, sweep, re-stack the mountain of power-aid, go in and sit in the newcomers rap. it was like home to me. i would have kept going but, the last time i went, it was gone. rumors about going back to lauderdale were tossed around but no one i knew really knew. it felt odd. so that was it for me. i hit the road as a working musician not long after that.
i am one of the kids who may have died had i not been persuaded to join the program. i was fifteen, strung out, living on the street (literally), hangin' out with hookers, bad bikers and thieves and in a really bad scene.
long story short... i got to move back in with my parents, went back to school, got a job, and learned to respect myself and others.
the seed is the only thing of it's kind i have witnessed in all my fifty years. it is where i learned the power of like minded folk. it's where i learned that it's good to help somebody out with no expectation of compensation. i learned that i need never follow the crowd. i learned how to be in the world, be different and not care what others think of me as long as i'm ok with me. i learned to think for myself, figure my priorities, and that it's ok to take it easy when things get hairy. i learned to navigate and, i learned that working on myself is the only real change i can visit on the larger world. none of the crap that was apparently going on behind the scenes changes any of that and it may be useful for all of us to remember that it's always the message and never the messenger that matters.
art was certainly an inspirational personalty but i can't say i really learned anything from him directly except that perseverance can be a good thing. it was "us" that i learned from. it was seeing our sameness that allowed me to become an indivisible individual. i don't know if i would have learned this stuff on my own over time or not but seeing that i was in danger of being dead anyway, i'd choose the front row again. i also don't know if the kids who may not have needed the program and were there because of parents who wanted a cookie cutter kid or overzealous neighbors, school counselors and the like would be whiners and complainers had they never seen the seed. there were many hangers-on and wana-bees' when the program became famous and, it seemed like everybody wanted a piece of it. to those guys i say thanks for helping me turn my course and i'm sorry if you got hurt because of me. i needed to be there.
i (for one) have done well. i built my home, raised three children as a single dad and i am an active (and loved i think) member of my community. i have written, produced and performed great music, had many fine adventures, made a living, did no harm, and for the most part stayed on a decent path. not bad for a junkie.
hardly a week goes by that i don't flash back on something i learned at the seed and i am saddened that so many of us seem to view the experience as something other than an opportunity to improve ourselves.
the seed, like all movements of ideal came and went. it lives on through me, my kids, grand kids, and anyone i pass it on to.
i have nothing but fond memories of my trip. i remember suzie bouncin' around, tommy playing the guitar and singing his heart, bonnie being bonnie, arthur shakin' his finger, bob (rs') sense of humor, doug saying "tie it in a knot", and a whole cast of characters that i will never forget. i had the feeling that we really were changing the world and, we did. [be patient it may take a little longer]
i guess i could apologize to the reader for going on and on about me, me, me. i only set out to give a nod to the old gang and, well, i had more to say.
today was the first time i have tried to find other seed kids on the net and it will probably be the last. i could not resist the urge to add my two cents and send a message in a bottle to a former mentor.
hi john. i heard ya.
st. pete, 8/4/73 12,754 days ago
