"And, silly as it seems now, I didn't want to confirm the idea that I must be a druggie in need of treatment by breaking my word.
Looking back, I realize I'd just lost all the habits that make up the ability to make and then execute any kind of plan. For so long, I hadn't had the need for those kinds of mental activities. "
Yeah, that pretty much sums up my experience. They just did a good job of brainwashing us day in and out. We were young then and were treated as if we were even younger. We were told we couldn't function on the outside, and even if we knew this wasn't true initially, it became the truth over time. I never copped out because I started believing I really could not make it "on my own". The pressure from all the authority figures to "do the right thing" was so great, that I allowed it and jumped through all the stupid hoops. It felt good to do that because there was honor and glory and praise for complying.
I think I developed a "split personality" in Straight. One that was a "superman". This "superman" had lofty ideals and goals and dreams and was a part of who I was/am, but was also the product of Straight brainwashing, which is to say "fear induced behavior modification". I now recognize that there should be limits on how or how much an institution can "modify" people's behavior. Most of us have not committed murder for example. How much modification and thought control does a pothead really need? Perhaps some of us need more than others, but who is wise enough or smart enough to know who gets what. The Straight shmucks were amazingly incompetent, but there they were, telling us what was what, and what was right, and when to grab a square of toilet paper and how many squares we were worhty of.
It didn't seem to affect me all that much at first. But later on down the road, when I "relapsed", all this Straight brainwash, parental fear/shame/abandonment, loneliness, despair and desperation came back haunting me. It wasn't the alcohol doing it, it was the mental torture from Straight, and I knew this. But it drove me to drink even more and to self-destruct more. I developed a serious binge drinking problem AFTER Straight, NOT BEFORE. I was taking LSD and pot mostly before Straight.
The only thing my parents, or an ex-Straight counselor/acquaintance would recommend was "treatment" or AA. Well two years is enough treatment for a lifetime, so I opted for AA first, treatment months later. AA and treatment both FAILED to keep me sober.
Ultimately, I had to come to a place where I KNEW unconditional love in a way that dispelled all of my insecurities and fears. No man was able to help me, only Love. So, I've modified myself (with God's great help) to evaluating everything throught the lens of unconditional love. If a system, a program, a methodology, a philosophy, a theology, or whatever lacks sincere, heartfelt, powerful love, I am uninterested. There are so many voices claiming to be authoritative on what's up with life. I care for so few of them. There are so very few. There's so little love in almost all of them. They have other motives or have too easliy forget what is important.....
But back to my reply, they pretty much had us in a place where anything that we did to break away was revealing our "drugginess", it is sad and bizarre that we were misdiagnosed in the thousands. With scarlet letter D's draped around our necks, we were banished from normal society. I don't know about you guys, but I don't need a label like that affecting me and alienating me from my peers anymore. I don't need it, I don't even use drugs. I used to. I'm not very ashamed of that really. I liked it, but I don't want them now. I want to do other things. Free people do what they want and I am free. Do what you love doing, you know. Ask questions later. Did I screw up? Yes. Oh well. Try try again. EVERYBODY screws up, not just ex-Straight people.
What am I doing? it's 3:48AM, and I'm still writing. Good Night all.
