i talked to him about cedu. i told him i wanted him to acknowledge that it was a mistake. he said he guessed that if it turned out to be such a bad place it must have been a mistake and he was sorry.
i feel the irony that he would not have been able to say that had he not known that he had no more than a year to live. but i still feel it is an honest choice and i accept his apology. but my mother is going through it, really hearing my dark side, the one i have been soo blind and deaf to, that i am trying to figure out how to reintigrate into my concious mind so it can learn a thing or two about the real world....
I think you would have probably regretted not talking to him honestly about it, although I know that it's deeply personal, and obviously a sensitive subject.
the world where people do fall in love all the time, and care for eachother, and look out for eachother, it happens every day, we just miss it over and over, i missed it over and over because i was so stuck on my insides trying to keep things under wraps enough so that i could function. hiding. hiding. my father and his two siblinbs hid their alcoholism from their alcoholic parents and from their spouses and from their children as best they could their whole lives.
I know, for so long I've been trying to do everything in my power to avoid judgment of any kind, I just couldn't take it. And whenever it did happen, or someone got angry at me, or decided that I wasn't worth their time, I just automatically took it on as my own. And went down hard. It never occurred to me to think that it wasn't on me, you know? I just always took it as a reflection on who I was.
i hid the scars from cedu. every last one of them. i never wanted a single glimpse of it to show, and i saw myself as very ugly. i think i am starting to see where that ugliness in the mirror that i hide from myself comes from. from all this pain that i didnt think it was fair that it should effect me, so i just closed my eyes to it.
For me, it was just trying so desperately to be "normal", it never seemed like other people struggled as much as I did, which I know can't possibly be true, but that's how it seemed to me at the time. And I also went through the feeling really ugly phase, I actually had a period of time where I saw myself on a video and I thought that I looked really odd, deformed. Freaked the shit out of me. Thank god that passed.
anyway, thats enough for tonight. i hope this doesnt bore you all, i really enjoy it, but i understand if people overlook it cause its so long. i dont usually read long posts myself.... thanks all, gnight 
Not boring at all, we're all here for eachother, and sometimes it just takes writing it down or saying it out loud for it to matter, not someone else reading or hearing it. You take care of yourself girl.
