Another classic:
My name is Clem Snide. I am a private asshole. A detective, if you will. I am also a survivor of the St. Petersburg, Florida branch of Straight Inc., so you will see why my recent assignment thoroughly intrigued me.
I had been hired by a wealthy developer from south Florida to investigate certain rumors and allegations regarding his son's predilection for unnatural relationships, one he had received "treatment" for at KIDS of New Jersey in the 90s. It seems the old man was getting into politics, nothing major, but even a small-time elected official can use his leverage to affect a lucrative change in his personal finances. The old man didn't want some nancy-boy kid blowing things with the voters, so he wanted someone to keep tabs on the kid and make sure he didn't get too flambouyant with his lifestyle, at least until the election was over.
I trailed the kid for a couple of days, and there didn't seem to be anything the old man should know about. He was the one covering my bill of $800 a day, plus expenses, and my job was to keep tabs on the young man. I didn't care one way or the other the who or what the kid liked to go to bed with, the only thing I was doing was surveillance. I would bet that Daddy had told his boy that there would be no allowance check coming next month if he embarrassed the family before the electorate.
Anyway, about five days into it, I follow the kid's BMW down to Madeira Beach. I'm not too familiar with the area, and the kid actually left me stuck behind a light. A cop was beside me so I couldn't run the light, but eventually I sighted the BMW, idling down the street from what looked like the Christ of the Sea Church. The brake light was on and I saw a figure get into the car from the open passenger side door. The door closed, the brake lights went off, and the BMW drove on, with my grey sedan following at a discrete distance.
The BMW drove a winding path, as if trying to evade pursuit, but I'm pretty much an old pro at this game, and I manged to follow the kid. He pulled into a subdivision and I let him go ahead a couple of blocks before I turned in. I slowly crept through the neighborhood, parking my car a few houses down from where the BMW was parked. I pulled up the For Sale sign in the yard and made my way casually around the house, then through the neighboring yards until I found a good vantage point in a tree behind the fenced back yard where I could get a good glimpse of the goings on at the target house. I broke out my camera and binoculars and made ready to film what I saw. I had heard some splashing around in what I inferred to be a swimming pool, I confirmed this with visual observation.
Sure enough, the kid was getting his homo freak on. There at poolside, he was strutting around naked, with a hard-on, jacking off on another man, an older man, No!...it can't be...it is...it IS...Miller Newton! Miller Newton, bastion of all things moral and decent, getting spunked on by some guy forty years younger than him! I almost broke out in laughter, but I am, after all, a professional, so I began recording the images on my camera and immediately uploaded them to my laptop in the car.
Miller and the kid performed all kinds of depraved acts, many involving his priest costume, many involving the yappy little Jack Russell terrier that kept leaping by the pool, and some involving both.
Eventually, I guess the two kooks got tired of the animal act and decided to go for some rough trade. The kid went inside, then returned to poolside with a suitcase that he placed on top of a glass patio table and opened. I heard him say, "Come here, Slave Bitch" as he grabbed a cat-o-nine-tails and a pair of metal cuffs from the suitcase.
"Yes, Master, I heard Miller reply, as he pulled his naked body out of the pool and knelt beside the kid.
The kid then chained Miller's wrists to the pool ladder, and began flogging him savagely. Then he penetrated Miller anally with a large, black dildo, pissing on Miller's bald head and commanding him to lap up the piss that collected on the patio, an order that was obeyed instantly.
This type of weirdo shit continued for a while, and my camera recorded a good bit of it. However, enough was enough, and I had a pretty good idea of how to handle the situation. I jumped into the back yard, pulling my Ruger and yelling "Hold it right there to the kid, who was just about to give Miller a jalapeno juice enema.
The looks of shock and surprise were truly a Kodak moment. "Listen, kid,I was hired by a certain MR.---------, a man with certain political ambitions. You know the man I'm speaking of, correct?" The kid nodded.
"Then you also know that your financial future could come to a bleak and abrupt end if that gentleman were to find out what was going on here."
He nodded again.
"Then listen up, kid. Get dressed and get the hell out of here. Don't ever mention that you have ever seen me in your life. I spent the last half-hour filming you two, and if I don't periodically enter a code into my computer, the last half-hour will be emailed to the gentleman I mentioned earlier. You understand?"
The kid didn't nod, just grabbed his clothes and put them on, then left out a side gate. Miller looked at me, horrified as I took close-up pictures of him. The kid had put a ballgag on him, so all he could do was whimper as I savagely kicked him in the genitals. This seemed to arouse him, so I stopped. I went over to the open suitcase and found a pair of leg irons and a jar of honey. I slapped the leg irons on Miller, securing his legs to the pool ladder. I poured the honey over his crotch. Then I went into the yard and dug up an ant pile with my gloved hands, carried the ants across the yard, and dropped them on Miller. It took a few trips, and I got bitten a couple of times, but I did it. Then I lit up a cigarette and blew the smoke in his face, saying, "Well, Miller, you've certainly got a lot to answer for, and nothing I could do to you would be enough to begin to pay you back for all the pain you have caused. I put the cigarette out on his right nipple to accentuate my speech. I'm just gonna leave you here with the ants for a little while. Then I'm gonna email a couple of those pics, with the kid's face blurred out, of course, to a few interested parties. Remember, asshole, I'll be out there, and so will others, waiting to exact our revenge. Live in fear, shithead" I said as I kicked him in the face.
I left the way I came. It had been a long day, and I was tired. I drove to the office, where a bottle of Scotch waited.
(Then I woke up. What a weird dream!)
