Um. We get a lot of "parent impersonators" and your story is just a little convenient. It could appear to a cynic that you are merely trying to scare parents into not making the same decision you did (regarding avoiding placement); creating an association between keeping the kid at home and imminent failure.
I'm not an impersonator, I'm a real parent of an 18 year old, a 16 year old and a 10 year old. I don't know what proof I can offer of this, but I'm not trying to scare parents into making any decision. I'm honestly trying to make a decision myself to help my son and keep the rest of my family safe.
In the off chance that you are a real parent:
You can believe whatever marketing materials you like. If you haven't watched the congressional hearings, I suggest you should. Some of those parents did all the "right" things too (in terms of checking up on programs), and yet their kids are still dead. There is also no scientifically validated evidence whatsoever that these places actually work, anyway, so you're basically taking a crap-shoot with your kid's life and wellbeing. The GAO testified that there have been thousands of instances of abuse and deaths in programs. I was in a program. It is not fun.
I didn't watch the hearings because I work full time, but I've followed what was said about them on NPR and searched the web, which is how I found this site and I read the GAO report. The problem with the hearings is that they seem to be focused on unregulated programs. And frankly, I was surprised about the reasons why some of those parents sent their children to those places. If my daughter was depressed over a sexual assault, the last thing I would consider doing was send her away from home. But I came on this site to ask people like you what else I should try to help my son-what would you have wanted done differently?
As for VisionQuest?
it has it's own forum here:
http://fornits.com/wwf/viewforum.php?f=30
So. Do due diligence and read...
I did read and I didn't see anything from anyone who had actually been to VisionQuest. I did see a lot of sensationalized information garnered from other web sites though, and some of it was inaccurate. for example, I researched some of the deaths and the majority where in the 80s when a ship sank. The most recent one was from an auto accident-not abuse, and some of the other deaths weren't VisionQuest at all, but other programs.
Oh... You wanted a solution? A quick fix to get your kid under control? Something tangible like a pizza you pay for and order to specifications? Nope... Program won't (ethically) "help" him either. If he's as violent as you describe, most programs have policies against admission, since he could very likely, given his past history, hurt another student. They would probably accept him anyway, but if they're showing that kind of care towards other people's kids, what corners are they cutting with your own child's safety?
I'm not looking for a quick fix, we have spent 5 years trying to help my son learn how to control his anger. We understand why he is angry, I would be too if I'd been through what he went through before we adopted him. But if he continues to let that define his life, what then?
If you really are a parent, take a look at Maia Szalavitz's book on recovery options (haven't read it, but i hear it's good), or talk to the kid's shrink and tell him that a residential / wilderness / program is not an option. He might need temporary hospitalization if he's an immediate threat to himself or others, but in my opinion a program would make the situation far worse.
He has been hospitalized, 4 times over the last 5 years and once before we adopted him. He had his nose broken during one of the hospitalization, because he started shouting down other kids during Group Therapy, was sent to time-out and when another patient asked him what happened, he hit the kid and that kid hit him back. When we saw him in the emergency room later, and asked him why he hit the kid, he said people should know better then to try to talk to him when he's mad.
Your kid sounds a bit impulsive as I was when I was young. Medication helped me, then I no longer needed it so I went off it.
He's on medication. It has lessened the duration and frequency of his rages, but not the violence of them.
What rules does he object to? What money / food / etc... does he demand (and again, parents often see these things differently). Are you implying he feels "entitled" somehow?
I'm not implying it, I'm saying it outright. Yes he does feel entitled. He says he's "been dealt a lousy hand". He recently justified stealing a Nintendo DS from a neighbor of ours by saying that the kid was a "fat spoiled brat" and wouldn't miss it because his parents could just buy him another one. During an earlier family therapy session, he punched out a door and threw his sister's piggybank at us because we wouldn't end the session early and drive him to Circuit City to return his broken MP3 player.
What rules does he object to? That's the thing, in the abstract he doesn't object to any of them. We recently presented the Rules below at a Family Therapy session and he said they were fine, but that didn't stop him from kicking in a door, destroying other property and trying to attack us 2 weeks later when we confronted him about the stolen Ninetendo. Here are the Rules:
Rules of the House
We decided to write out these clear-cut rules so that we all have an understanding of what we expect. Most of these rules are to address areas where we have had problems in the past and we are writing them down so we can avoid problems in the future. Respect for yourself and others forms the basis for these rules.
1. You can only have a job during school if (a) you are not involved in an after-school activity, and (b) you are completing his school assignments on time; and (c) you are maintaining a C or better in each class.
2. During the school year you can only work on weekends.
3. Work should be within walking or biking distance, as we will not always be available to drive you to work.
4. You cannot spend your salary on anything you want. We expect you to save a portion of your salary for spending money for when you are not working, and you need our approval for any purchases over $40. In addition, you cannot use your money to buy items such as parental advisor CDs, mature games or adult videos or any other items we believe are inappropriate.
5. We will purchase items you need for school, school sports and academic activities such as school trips or clubs, but you will be responsible for your own spending money at such events.
6. If we are buying clothes its based on what we pick out. If you want to buy your own clothes, you may buy what you like as long as there are not offensive slogans or insignia.
7. We will not be giving you an allowance, but we will still expect you to contribute to the household by doing chores, as further described below. There will, however, be opportunities for you to do extra chores to earn money from us.
8. There will be no video games, TV, computer games, non-school computer use, or DVDs Monday morning through Friday afternoon. Friday after we come home from work, if all homework and chores are done, then you can have access to the TV, video games or computer, however, for video or computer games that access will be not longer than 1 hour at any one sitting. TV and DVD viewing will also be limited as appropriate-in other words, we don’t want you spending all day in front of the TV. Internet use will be monitored and we will not tolerate pornography, violent sites, internet gambling, inappropriate (bullying, violent or sexual) postings or e-mails, etc. You will not give out your own or anyone else’s personal information on the internet.
9. We can check your assignment book and homework when we get home to verify that homework is done.
10. No friends in the house when we are not home, and if you go out before we get home, you must call us to get permission and tell us where you are going and who you are meeting.
11. You cannot be a passenger in a car with another teenager without our permission. We will only give that permission after we have met the person and spoken to his or her parents.
12. When you get home from school, you can have a snack and then get right to your homework. After your homework is done, we expect you to do your chores for the day. We will put up on the refrigerator a weekly chore list which will include such things as dusting, vacuuming, laundry, cleaning your bathroom, taking out the trash, mowing and other yard work. You can earn additional money by doing certain large chores such as cleaning the windows or washing the cars.
13. For after-school snacks, you may have fruit, or crackers, or a sandwich, or cereal, or a yogurt. Ice Cream, cookies, pie, cake or candy are not to be eaten without permission. You may also have milk, water or juice if it’s from a jar-but not juice boxes as we need those for lunches. If you drink milk and you see there is not enough left for everyone to have breakfast the next morning, call one of us so we can pick up some on the way home. The same applies if you finish any other food.
14. All food must be eaten in the kitchen. There is to be no food or drink in any other room in the house without us being there and giving permission.
15. You will participate in family based therapy and any other therapy that we or your treatment team recommend. You will take your medications.
16. We have the right to check your iPod, CDs, Gameboy, video games, schoolbag and room at anytime. If we find any items that are not allowed, such as parental advisory music, we will confiscate them. If we find you have stolen anything, either from us or anyone else, we will call the police.
17. We will also call the police if we feel there is a threat to the safety of anyone in our home or a threat to our property and we will press charges. We will also call them if you use drugs or alcohol.
18. You will need our permission to go out at night, and we have the right to know where you are going, who you are going with and what you will be doing. If your plans change while you are out, you are to call us. If all of your homework and daily chores are done you can go out on a week night after dinner until 9:00 pm. On Friday or Saturday nights, again if your chores are done you can go out until 11:00 pm. Going out is a privilege, however, that can be taken away if you are not following the rules.
19. We will not tolerate cursing, name calling, or any other form of disrespectful behavior. We will not tolerate threats, violence or bullying of any kind to us or anyone else, wherever they occur.
20. You will not engage in any sexual activity.
21. You will not be permitted to go to un-chaperoned parties or to a girl’s house if her parents are not at home.
22. If the rules are not followed, there will be consequences ranging from loss of TV/Video/computer (including Gameboy) privileges, loss of your iPod (as agreed in the iPod contract), loss of going out privileges for less serious violations; to removal from the home for more serious or persistent violations.
I was really hoping that you and others on this site could offer us other alternatives. the book you mentioned is primarily focused on addiction therapy alternatives, and that's not an issue for Andrew. Again, I'm not looking for a quick fix and I have tried to hear his side of things-but when we ask him directly what we should be doing differently his response is "I don't know".
