Congratulations on Making Admin Wandering gook!

[Anonymous]

I knew if you really tried your best you could do it.

So how does it feel? Speech, speech, speech!

[Che Gookin]

My balls itch.

[Anonymous]

You're funny. That's one reason I like you. There are many reasons I like you though. Another reason is because you are honest. I also like you because you base your sense of reality on facts and the real world situation. Sometimes you meet people who base their entire reality on things they have never seen. Never touched, never smelled or slept in. Another thing I like about you is that you travel a lot. I think that says a lot about you as a person. That you aren't afraid to get out there and attack life for everything it's worth. A lot of people are afraid to go places. Especially as far as Asia, which is pretty much as far away as you can get at the moment, unless you are an astronaut. Besides these things I always liked the fact that you don't' take yourself overly serious at the same time. I also like that you have a sense of authority without being over bearing. You lead by example instead of being a hypocrite which is needed in any good leader. Besides all these positive attributes, I like the fact that you are against programs and coercive therapy. I think I understand now why you are against these things. I have read a lot of what you have written, and I think that I am beginning to understand where you are coming from. I would say out of all the posters I have read in the past eighteen months your posts have made me think the most because you use your experience to form and pose some very serious and poignant questions. A lot of stuff around fornits is just bullshit and flamewars back and forth that don't matter to nobody. But what does matter to a lot of people is dealing with their own memories and experience. I don't think a lot of people wake up from nightmares about TheWho or a flamewar, but I know a lot of people have nightmares about their own experiences. Something drives people to return to fornits all the time and I think that is a sense of wanting to figure shit out. I think the problem has no solution though, I think it will be with us until we are all dead unfortunately. I would like to think otherwise. I think the best situation one can hope for is a situation that the programs will be at least safer than the ones now. It would be easy to clean it up just get rid of unnregulated private programs and that will solve a lot of problems. They can make it so a child cannot be coerced unless they are admitted to a hospital which takes a doctors signature. That puts somebody on the line in case they are wrong or something happens. Otherwise it is just swept under the rug and we can't have that. A couple hundred years ago parents left their children to die because they were so poor they couldn't feed them. Now parents have enough money to feed fifty children and they still abandon them it shows the true nature of the problem is not economic or societal it is a human problem. It will always be with us unless we start having three person marriages. Maybe that would help. If two men and a woman or two woman and a man got married that would free an adult up to care for the children since most families have two working parents. I noticed most kids came from two working parent houses and a lot of single parent homes and divorced homes. If three people got married the chances of at least two of them staying together would increase. Maybe even four or five people marriages would work better who knows right. Anyways Gook I just wanted you to know I am rooting for you this time and hope you do well. I had you pegged wrong for a long time and should of seen the light sooner. I am being serious and this is not some wierd joke or something I really like you a lot. I think you are a valuable poster and important source of information for fornits. If you ever visit the US again i would like to buy you a beer, or a few. I hope you are doing well. I remember you said you were dealing with medical issues. Those always suck. I've had a few of those myself and they really can put you under the weather and make you realize what's important. Being healthy and not sick is the most important thing because if you don't have your health you don't have squat. I twisted my knee bad actually  a bit ago and then I found your thread on here about it coincidentally and thought of you in solidarity. I never had a problem with the staff who worked at the program really. The worst staff you know were the kids who ended up working for the program and graduated from it because they really believed in it with all their heart. They were angry and pissed off and so they took their anger out on the kids. There were reports of sexual abuse in the program so I can't condone that behavior from staff but mostly they were just normal people. My escape would of been a lot worse had it not been for the help of a nice staff so I know there are nice staff out there caught up in the bullshit. They are right in knowing whether they stay or go, the kids will remain, they have no say or impact on that fact. So if they are a descent person, just by staying they are possibly preventing a abuser from taking the helm, which in itself is a positive act. This is not a story often told however. But it is the subtle facts of program life that is often overlooked. We had a cool staff once and he got fired for being too nice actually and I remember the young kid in our group was crying because he left so there were some good staff. That's what is kind of scary about it is you never know. The abusers and nice staff all look the same, wear the same uniform, have the same name badges. It really throws you off your guard when someone says they love you and then the next day hurts you badly. It messes with your sense of trust in other humans and makes you question their motivations. That is why I questioned your motivations for a very long time but I think I was wrong. I am glad you have made administrator of fornits and think you will do an excellent job. I think you are a trusted person that will help this website rather than hurt it. I have to say I have mixed feelings about the site obviously since it is a battlefield of ideas. I used to get angry that people would question reality I have seen with my own eyes and so have you. Now I just feel sorry for them. I realize there is nothing I can do to change the flow of this river. There is a time you must realize you must swim to shore before you drowned. Now I feel sorry for them and their families. I think of my own parent while they were still alive, thinking all the while they made the right decision. We never did talk about it. I think they know they were wrong. I held out. So did they. No winners emerged, other than the program that pocketed enough money to bankrupt them. Pathetic tale it is and being told is not enough to prevent it from proliferating again and again. Maybe they want to become full fledged members of fornits by default. Maybe they feel a desperate need to be part of something. Even if that something is misery and loneliness and a longing for something that can never return, like shattered glass it can never be put back together. I do not understand why they keep coming like a herd running off a cliff they seal their fate. Maybe they will get lucky and be the people who seem to get something out of this industry. Or maybe they will be psychologically capable of lying to themselves long enough they will never have to deal with the truth of the matter. Since the first time you posted I knew you would  be a prolific and well known and respected member of fornits. Today is a confirmation of my original expectations and admiration of your candor and ability to strike at the root of any matter. I hope you are having a good time on your vacation . Do not forget to take a moment out of your travels now and again to pop in and say hello. Your posts always remind why it is I keep torturing myself by coming to this website. I mean that in a good way. I hope you don't think is a troll or a joke or something those days are behind me. I respect you and will not give you a hard time anymore because I think you are a awesome guy!

[Che Gookin]

You're funny. That's one reason I like you. There are many reasons I like you though. Another reason is because you are honest. I also like you because you base your sense of reality on facts and the real world situation. Sometimes you meet people who base their entire reality on things they have never seen. Never touched, never smelled or slept in. Another thing I like about you is that you travel a lot. I think that says a lot about you as a person. That you aren't afraid to get out there and attack life for everything it's worth. A lot of people are afraid to go places. Especially as far as Asia, which is pretty much as far away as you can get at the moment, unless you are an astronaut. Besides these things I always liked the fact that you don't' take yourself overly serious at the same time. I also like that you have a sense of authority without being over bearing. You lead by example instead of being a hypocrite which is needed in any good leader. Besides all these positive attributes, I like the fact that you are against programs and coercive therapy. I think I understand now why you are against these things. I have read a lot of what you have written, and I think that I am beginning to understand where you are coming from. I would say out of all the posters I have read in the past eighteen months your posts have made me think the most because you use your experience to form and pose some very serious and poignant questions. A lot of stuff around fornits is just bullshit and flamewars back and forth that don't matter to nobody. But what does matter to a lot of people is dealing with their own memories and experience. I don't think a lot of people wake up from nightmares about TheWho or a flamewar, but I know a lot of people have nightmares about their own experiences. Something drives people to return to fornits all the time and I think that is a sense of wanting to figure shit out. I think the problem has no solution though, I think it will be with us until we are all dead unfortunately. I would like to think otherwise. I think the best situation one can hope for is a situation that the programs will be at least safer than the ones now. It would be easy to clean it up just get rid of unnregulated private programs and that will solve a lot of problems. They can make it so a child cannot be coerced unless they are admitted to a hospital which takes a doctors signature. That puts somebody on the line in case they are wrong or something happens. Otherwise it is just swept under the rug and we can't have that. A couple hundred years ago parents left their children to die because they were so poor they couldn't feed them. Now parents have enough money to feed fifty children and they still abandon them it shows the true nature of the problem is not economic or societal it is a human problem. It will always be with us unless we start having three person marriages. Maybe that would help. If two men and a woman or two woman and a man got married that would free an adult up to care for the children since most families have two working parents. I noticed most kids came from two working parent houses and a lot of single parent homes and divorced homes. If three people got married the chances of at least two of them staying together would increase. Maybe even four or five people marriages would work better who knows right. Anyways Gook I just wanted you to know I am rooting for you this time and hope you do well. I had you pegged wrong for a long time and should of seen the light sooner. I am being serious and this is not some wierd joke or something I really like you a lot. I think you are a valuable poster and important source of information for fornits. If you ever visit the US again i would like to buy you a beer, or a few. I hope you are doing well. I remember you said you were dealing with medical issues. Those always suck. I've had a few of those myself and they really can put you under the weather and make you realize what's important. Being healthy and not sick is the most important thing because if you don't have your health you don't have squat. I twisted my knee bad actually  a bit ago and then I found your thread on here about it coincidentally and thought of you in solidarity. I never had a problem with the staff who worked at the program really. The worst staff you know were the kids who ended up working for the program and graduated from it because they really believed in it with all their heart. They were angry and pissed off and so they took their anger out on the kids. There were reports of sexual abuse in the program so I can't condone that behavior from staff but mostly they were just normal people. My escape would of been a lot worse had it not been for the help of a nice staff so I know there are nice staff out there caught up in the bullshit. They are right in knowing whether they stay or go, the kids will remain, they have no say or impact on that fact. So if they are a descent person, just by staying they are possibly preventing a abuser from taking the helm, which in itself is a positive act. This is not a story often told however. But it is the subtle facts of program life that is often overlooked. We had a cool staff once and he got fired for being too nice actually and I remember the young kid in our group was crying because he left so there were some good staff. That's what is kind of scary about it is you never know. The abusers and nice staff all look the same, wear the same uniform, have the same name badges. It really throws you off your guard when someone says they love you and then the next day hurts you badly. It messes with your sense of trust in other humans and makes you question their motivations. That is why I questioned your motivations for a very long time but I think I was wrong. I am glad you have made administrator of fornits and think you will do an excellent job. I think you are a trusted person that will help this website rather than hurt it. I have to say I have mixed feelings about the site obviously since it is a battlefield of ideas. I used to get angry that people would question reality I have seen with my own eyes and so have you. Now I just feel sorry for them. I realize there is nothing I can do to change the flow of this river. There is a time you must realize you must swim to shore before you drowned. Now I feel sorry for them and their families. I think of my own parent while they were still alive, thinking all the while they made the right decision. We never did talk about it. I think they know they were wrong. I held out. So did they. No winners emerged, other than the program that pocketed enough money to bankrupt them. Pathetic tale it is and being told is not enough to prevent it from proliferating again and again. Maybe they want to become full fledged members of fornits by default. Maybe they feel a desperate need to be part of something. Even if that something is misery and loneliness and a longing for something that can never return, like shattered glass it can never be put back together. I do not understand why they keep coming like a herd running off a cliff they seal their fate. Maybe they will get lucky and be the people who seem to get something out of this industry. Or maybe they will be psychologically capable of lying to themselves long enough they will never have to deal with the truth of the matter. Since the first time you posted I knew you would  be a prolific and well known and respected member of fornits. Today is a confirmation of my original expectations and admiration of your candor and ability to strike at the root of any matter. I hope you are having a good time on your vacation . Do not forget to take a moment out of your travels now and again to pop in and say hello. Your posts always remind why it is I keep torturing myself by coming to this website. I mean that in a good way. I hope you don't think is a troll or a joke or something those days are behind me. I respect you and will not give you a hard time anymore because I think you are a awesome guy!

I know who this is and thank you. You made me cry like a little kid from reading this. I'll do my best to not let you down.

[TheWho]

TSW[/color], Welcome back!



...

[Antigen]

I don't think a lot of people wake up from nightmares about TheWho or a flamewar, but I know a lot of people have nightmares about their own experiences.

Hey, speak for yourself! {kidding}

Damn! That was one hell of a speech. And all true, too.

[3xsaSeedling]

Damn! That was one hell of a speech. And all true, too.

I got a lump-in-my-throat and I've only been around here since August.

BRAVO!!  and congrats   :wave:

...and while I'm being 'me' today; what the hell is a 'Waygookin' , O Wandering-one?

[Rachael]

Hey man, I did have a nightmare about TheWho a while back. I posted about it somewhere... Anyway he was this bizarre disembodied voice that followed me through my house and it made me very upset at the time. Nothing at all like my usual nightmares where I wake up kicking and crying and defending myself, but not pleasant either.

[Anonymous]

Hi Rachael. I remember what you wrote about TheWho dream that is probably why I thought of the idea to include that sentence in the first place I would guess. I remember what you said about theWho and your dream. That is why I tried to be careful to say most people instead of nobody is dreaming about theWho. Do you think that this dream is related to theWho specifically or does he represent something more esoteric like the program philosophy that is following you around? I am not trying to psychoanalyze or anything of this sort. I am simply curious. I remember when I was having program dreams. I think that if I think about this stuff while I am awake it tends to negate my own dreams about program stuff. Anyways I wanted to apologize for making it seem like nobody is dreaming about theWho when you so obviously stated this was the case and I including many other people wrote this I should of been more sensitive to this specific concern and maybe addressed it as well. The dreams I had about program were nightmarish. Probably some of the worst dreams I've had in my life. Well, I've had some bad ones. The worst dream actually in my life would probably be this one where I watched my best friend of my whole life get smashed by a car and turn into brain matter and scrambled meat. I hate that I have violent dreams like this. I know that dream represents my fear of losing my best friend though since when I was a teenager I lost my best friend and know the day will come again when I will have to deal with this. Unless I die first which is what I am hoping for purely selfish reasons because I will probably fall completely apart I don't like dealing with death that much. After that dream my program one's were the worst I think. I remember vividly a couple dreams I had which I mine as well get into here this is as good as place as any. I hope people respond in kind and don't feel shy and tell us about their dreams too. I don't think dreams are anything to be ashamed of. Shame is a overrated emotion that is taught to people and has no purpose other than stifle people and their unique ability to interpret the world around them. So this first dream I had I  had many , many times. The dream would keep revealing new parts in each new night. It was not a straight start to end timeline, it was like a story was being told one small piece at a time. Over time I started to remember the whole dream and it kept repeating over and over. At that point I started drinking to stop dreaming because I was waking up scared. I was waking up feeling tired like I spent the whole night fighting for my life, not sleeping or resting. The dream involved me going into a program that somewhat resembled the program I was in. Like any dream the details were different and everything had an acid trip vibe to it. The weird thing was I knew in my dream I was over 18. The dream was not me being in a program. The dream was me returning to the program on a road trip. The road trip portion of this dream was exquisite. I can recall the vivid feelings and colors of the free open road and that feeling is a good feeling to put it plainly. If I could dive in and live in that little bit of comforting feeling that this sliver of memory brings me I would. Eventually I reach the program and I don't have a clear agenda. I am drawn there for some reason. When I get there the whole place looks different but I know it's the same. Before I knew it I was right back in it. The program was a rural village that looked the the Smurfs village and we would work together in this big dirt pit under what looked like bamboo structures. We were building something for them, new housing I guess. Instead of cabins though it was very, not sure how to put this, tropical and old fashioned. The scariest part of my dream is what comes in the next portion of the dream, the part I remember most vividly, at least hte emotions involved. There is one big room that I found myself in. It looked like a dog kennel or sorts, like when you go to the pound. There was a bunch of kids, each locked into their own crawl space on the side of the walls. I found myself forced into one of  these and it kept getting smaller. And smaller, until it felt like it was crushing me. I finally realized it was crushing me and I couldn't do anything about it. I started to panic and scream for help as I feel my body squashed down further and further until I am only about the size of a folded pillow. And that's how i remain. Squashed up no bigger than a pillow in this large metal, trash compactor of a contraption used to crush down kids to make room for more.  It was very scary and very real and the worst part was I felt like I could never get out. Sometimes I would even realize in my dream mind that I didn't belong there, and I would scream I didn't belong there. I wasn't lucid dreaming to the point I knew I was dreaming, but I knew something wasn't right, this was not supposed to be this way. There was never an end to this dream story, I always woke up after the crushing part and I don't know if I ever got away I haven't had this dream in a couple years now. Hopefully now that I've revisited it , it will not re-occur that would suck. I am fairly clear what this dream represents. It is so real. So vivid. So violent. I can't even explain it. My next dream I want to talk about is set more in a hospital of settings. This is a completely different dream landscape. The lighting, colors, smells, emotions, everything is different in this dream. I start out in a modern city. Much more modern than you see today, like a city you would see in 50 years perhaps. I am happy and doing well. For some reason I am in a magnificent resort. A resort that could not possibly exist today because of it's magnificent beauty and oneness with the Earth and ability to put you at east. It's funny how my nightmares start off with such elaborate situations that seem so positive at first. The place is made of marble,it is absolutely first class. A place I shouldn't be. But yet there I am, and I belong there, I don't question it in my dream reality, I just enjoy it for what it is. As if me and everyone expects this life. Eventually this calm is broken and like many of my dreams I am running from a group of people. These people I run from in many of my dreams are a variety of people so I won't get into that. Nobody specific in this dream, I  didn't even know who I was running from but I knew they wanted to kill me. So I ran into the city and was hyperventilating I was trying to think and run so fast. Eventually I reached this awesome looking, geometrically shaped shiny building that looks like no building I've ever seen in real life, it was beautiful. I went into this building. The next thing I know I am inside the building not as a patron or guest but I was being interrogated. They wanted to know things about me and things I had no idea about. This place was like 50 years in the future so I had no idea what these people were talking about. They were all wearing funny clothes and funny hats. The facility I was locked in was large. Very large, so large most of my dream is spent being lost in this maze of a building trying to escape. Every once in a while I meet another person and have interaction with them but everybody seems incapable of understanding me. I am completely alone and everyone I try to explain things to just speaks giberish, displays monsterish facial expressions and I can only hear garbled noise from them so I run after realizing this. The last part of this dream is this large triangular open area. It looks like a big triangular swimming pool with a small part opening to the outside. Remember how I described the feeling of being outside on the road trip that is what I felt when seeing the outside and went towards it. The whole room was full of people lined up. They would dive in the giant triangular pool and swim towards the opening. I walked around the people lined up and walked to the facing the outside. It led to a rocky cliff with waves smashing against it. Not a very inviting exit. I tried to get away upstrairs but the building just keeps going up and leads to more locked floors with more doctors who want to do unecessary surgery and tell me I am dying of disease even though I am not. I later returned to the pool and jumped in right near where the opening leading outside was going to and instantly felt the rush of sea current and bubbles and powerful waves. I feel myself being pummelled against the rock and surprisingly I don't need to breathe under the water. I cannot make it to the surface but it doesn't matter because I don't seem to need to breathe. Then I wake up. These are two dream landscapes, I would call them. I call them that because they were elaborate stories that I only began to scratch the surface of. These landscapes over time build into very real memories. These places start to feel real, and the mind seems to want to return to them. These dreams I haven't had for a while though. My current dream landscape is similarly disturbing but filled with current life dramas that occupy my mind these days. I did have program dreams when I started to try and ignore this topic for a while though. I figure its easier to deal with in the waking world for me at least. I smoke to help me with my dreams I only dream for a couple hours before I wake up instead of the whole night usually. When I was in treatment I was given trazadone which is sleeping help medication and boy did I have the craziest dreams in my life. One of the side effects of that medication is night terrors. That was some freaky shit. So I hope you don't think I meant to belittle your dream story by saying people don't deal with that and I Completely understand about having re-occuring dreams about this stuff. I could easily classify my dreams every night as nightmares, but by this point I am so used to them I just call them dreams. What I don't like is how violent my dreams are. Everyone is trying to kill me and they force me to try and kill them. Just now I am remembering my dream from last night in which I had to stab this person with one of those circular weed hoes I think they are called the claw. That was just the last minute or so before I woke up. I don't think my mind ever rests because I wake up most mornings and have to seriously think about what just occured and try to purge the emotions from it and tell myself they aren't real so don't carry them around. I am trying to think back when I was a kid if I had good dream or not but I think I've always had fairly scary, violent and just flat out weird dreams for as long as I can remember. Anyways that was v ery long winded stoner rant take it for what it's worth, absolutely nothing. Have a nice day and I hope you are doing well whoever read this . Pleasant dreams.

[Che Gookin]

Hi Rachael. I remember what you wrote about TheWho dream that is probably why I thought of the idea to include that sentence in the first place I would guess. I remember what you said about theWho and your dream. That is why I tried to be careful to say most people instead of nobody is dreaming about theWho. Do you think that this dream is related to theWho specifically or does he represent something more esoteric like the program philosophy that is following you around? I am not trying to psychoanalyze or anything of this sort. I am simply curious. I remember when I was having program dreams. I think that if I think about this stuff while I am awake it tends to negate my own dreams about program stuff. Anyways I wanted to apologize for making it seem like nobody is dreaming about theWho when you so obviously stated this was the case and I including many other people wrote this I should of been more sensitive to this specific concern and maybe addressed it as well. The dreams I had about program were nightmarish. Probably some of the worst dreams I've had in my life. Well, I've had some bad ones. The worst dream actually in my life would probably be this one where I watched my best friend of my whole life get smashed by a car and turn into brain matter and scrambled meat. I hate that I have violent dreams like this. I know that dream represents my fear of losing my best friend though since when I was a teenager I lost my best friend and know the day will come again when I will have to deal with this. Unless I die first which is what I am hoping for purely selfish reasons because I will probably fall completely apart I don't like dealing with death that much. After that dream my program one's were the worst I think. I remember vividly a couple dreams I had which I mine as well get into here this is as good as place as any. I hope people respond in kind and don't feel shy and tell us about their dreams too. I don't think dreams are anything to be ashamed of. Shame is a overrated emotion that is taught to people and has no purpose other than stifle people and their unique ability to interpret the world around them. So this first dream I had I  had many , many times. The dream would keep revealing new parts in each new night. It was not a straight start to end timeline, it was like a story was being told one small piece at a time. Over time I started to remember the whole dream and it kept repeating over and over. At that point I started drinking to stop dreaming because I was waking up scared. I was waking up feeling tired like I spent the whole night fighting for my life, not sleeping or resting. The dream involved me going into a program that somewhat resembled the program I was in. Like any dream the details were different and everything had an acid trip vibe to it. The weird thing was I knew in my dream I was over 18. The dream was not me being in a program. The dream was me returning to the program on a road trip. The road trip portion of this dream was exquisite. I can recall the vivid feelings and colors of the free open road and that feeling is a good feeling to put it plainly. If I could dive in and live in that little bit of comforting feeling that this sliver of memory brings me I would. Eventually I reach the program and I don't have a clear agenda. I am drawn there for some reason. When I get there the whole place looks different but I know it's the same. Before I knew it I was right back in it. The program was a rural village that looked the the Smurfs village and we would work together in this big dirt pit under what looked like bamboo structures. We were building something for them, new housing I guess. Instead of cabins though it was very, not sure how to put this, tropical and old fashioned. The scariest part of my dream is what comes in the next portion of the dream, the part I remember most vividly, at least hte emotions involved. There is one big room that I found myself in. It looked like a dog kennel or sorts, like when you go to the pound. There was a bunch of kids, each locked into their own crawl space on the side of the walls. I found myself forced into one of  these and it kept getting smaller. And smaller, until it felt like it was crushing me. I finally realized it was crushing me and I couldn't do anything about it. I started to panic and scream for help as I feel my body squashed down further and further until I am only about the size of a folded pillow. And that's how i remain. Squashed up no bigger than a pillow in this large metal, trash compactor of a contraption used to crush down kids to make room for more.  It was very scary and very real and the worst part was I felt like I could never get out. Sometimes I would even realize in my dream mind that I didn't belong there, and I would scream I didn't belong there. I wasn't lucid dreaming to the point I knew I was dreaming, but I knew something wasn't right, this was not supposed to be this way. There was never an end to this dream story, I always woke up after the crushing part and I don't know if I ever got away I haven't had this dream in a couple years now. Hopefully now that I've revisited it , it will not re-occur that would suck. I am fairly clear what this dream represents. It is so real. So vivid. So violent. I can't even explain it. My next dream I want to talk about is set more in a hospital of settings. This is a completely different dream landscape. The lighting, colors, smells, emotions, everything is different in this dream. I start out in a modern city. Much more modern than you see today, like a city you would see in 50 years perhaps. I am happy and doing well. For some reason I am in a magnificent resort. A resort that could not possibly exist today because of it's magnificent beauty and oneness with the Earth and ability to put you at east. It's funny how my nightmares start off with such elaborate situations that seem so positive at first. The place is made of marble,it is absolutely first class. A place I shouldn't be. But yet there I am, and I belong there, I don't question it in my dream reality, I just enjoy it for what it is. As if me and everyone expects this life. Eventually this calm is broken and like many of my dreams I am running from a group of people. These people I run from in many of my dreams are a variety of people so I won't get into that. Nobody specific in this dream, I  didn't even know who I was running from but I knew they wanted to kill me. So I ran into the city and was hyperventilating I was trying to think and run so fast. Eventually I reached this awesome looking, geometrically shaped shiny building that looks like no building I've ever seen in real life, it was beautiful. I went into this building. The next thing I know I am inside the building not as a patron or guest but I was being interrogated. They wanted to know things about me and things I had no idea about. This place was like 50 years in the future so I had no idea what these people were talking about. They were all wearing funny clothes and funny hats. The facility I was locked in was large. Very large, so large most of my dream is spent being lost in this maze of a building trying to escape. Every once in a while I meet another person and have interaction with them but everybody seems incapable of understanding me. I am completely alone and everyone I try to explain things to just speaks giberish, displays monsterish facial expressions and I can only hear garbled noise from them so I run after realizing this. The last part of this dream is this large triangular open area. It looks like a big triangular swimming pool with a small part opening to the outside. Remember how I described the feeling of being outside on the road trip that is what I felt when seeing the outside and went towards it. The whole room was full of people lined up. They would dive in the giant triangular pool and swim towards the opening. I walked around the people lined up and walked to the facing the outside. It led to a rocky cliff with waves smashing against it. Not a very inviting exit. I tried to get away upstrairs but the building just keeps going up and leads to more locked floors with more doctors who want to do unecessary surgery and tell me I am dying of disease even though I am not. I later returned to the pool and jumped in right near where the opening leading outside was going to and instantly felt the rush of sea current and bubbles and powerful waves. I feel myself being pummelled against the rock and surprisingly I don't need to breathe under the water. I cannot make it to the surface but it doesn't matter because I don't seem to need to breathe. Then I wake up. These are two dream landscapes, I would call them. I call them that because they were elaborate stories that I only began to scratch the surface of. These landscapes over time build into very real memories. These places start to feel real, and the mind seems to want to return to them. These dreams I haven't had for a while though. My current dream landscape is similarly disturbing but filled with current life dramas that occupy my mind these days. I did have program dreams when I started to try and ignore this topic for a while though. I figure its easier to deal with in the waking world for me at least. I smoke to help me with my dreams I only dream for a couple hours before I wake up instead of the whole night usually. When I was in treatment I was given trazadone which is sleeping help medication and boy did I have the craziest dreams in my life. One of the side effects of that medication is night terrors. That was some freaky shit. So I hope you don't think I meant to belittle your dream story by saying people don't deal with that and I Completely understand about having re-occuring dreams about this stuff. I could easily classify my dreams every night as nightmares, but by this point I am so used to them I just call them dreams. What I don't like is how violent my dreams are. Everyone is trying to kill me and they force me to try and kill them. Just now I am remembering my dream from last night in which I had to stab this person with one of those circular weed hoes I think they are called the claw. That was just the last minute or so before I woke up. I don't think my mind ever rests because I wake up most mornings and have to seriously think about what just occured and try to purge the emotions from it and tell myself they aren't real so don't carry them around. I am trying to think back when I was a kid if I had good dream or not but I think I've always had fairly scary, violent and just flat out weird dreams for as long as I can remember. Anyways that was v ery long winded stoner rant take it for what it's worth, absolutely nothing. Have a nice day and I hope you are doing well whoever read this . Pleasant dreams.

I think I'd stay hammered for about a week after having a dream like that.

[Rachael]

Dreams... Before AARC, I didn't dream very much. My life was very full, and I was very busy. I fell asleep each night and woke up new the next morning. But in AARC I started dreaming for the first time since I was a kid. I would have these crazy vivid dreams. Most of the time there wasn't much of a plot, I just dreamt of colour. I remember this dream where everything was brilliant green - lush, alive and healthy green. I was in a rain forest way up in the trees. I couldn't see the ground and I was walking along these planks that made up walk-ways between the trees. I was alone - no one else at all. It was dead silent. I just drank up the colour. It made me feel stronger. If any of you ever played Riven (after Myst), it was kind of like parts of that, except higher and greener - but that same feeling of complete solitude and it wasn't negative in the slightest. It kept me alive a bit longer.

Another dream I had was this apocalyptic red dream. Everything was this crimson red. Deep, full and powerfully ominous. I was the only person left - all around me was wreckage and the remnants of humans. I was in a hospital-type setting about 20 stories up but with the walls blown open, so I was looking out into this destroyed landscape. I could see for miles in every direction, and everything was ruined. But, again, it wasn't at all negative. I was alone and everything else was dead. But I didn't mind - I felt peaceful and awed.

Finally, I had this bizarre dream where my mother and I were in a vast concert hall. We were on stage and we were alone. She had a glass violin and I had a glass piano. We played such beautiful music, but we weren't able to talk to or look at each other. I remember how the music felt and the sadness of it. But I couldn't remember how exactly it went when I woke up. Everything was in high contrast black and white - I'd never had a black and white dream before. It was terribly sad and lonely.

[Che Gookin]

Every now and then I have a real humdinger of a dream. I was standing in my nightly site with my group doing a stage advancement ceremony. Our nightly site was special in the sense that we jazzed it up a little extra special. Meaning we hauled a huge rock slab out of the woods and used it to make a small altar in the middle that we painted red and built the ceremony fires on.

Anyway in the dream I was standing there frozen and I couldn't move. One by one each of the kids was snatched away by some big assed thing from the woods. Still not sure what was doing the grabbing, but I imagine it wasn't taking the kids out for a cup of tea. I base this assumption on the fact that I can hear them screaming for help in my dream. The fear, anger, and desperation builds through out the dream as one by one the thing that does the snatching works its way around the circle towards me.

The ceremony site is surrounded by a mist to I can only see glimpses of a what appears to be a charnel house like motif sorta thing going on here and there. Little pieces of flesh and blood splattered all over the place.

Apparently I've woken my neighbors up yelling and screaming from this dream before. I'm hoping one day I'll have the dream and I'll be armed with a 12 gauge shotgun with a box or two of double o buckshot.

[Rachael]

Here's another one from AARC:

I was sick in some way, and I knew I was going to die. I felt myself dying, it was kind of like when you get so hungry that the feeling of hunger goes away - that emptiness. I became emptier and... more clean, if that makes sense. Eventually, I felt myself leave my body, and I felt the way my body fought to hold on and then reluctantly let go. I watched my body still and lifeless, and I felt nothing. I was all alone up till this point in the dream and I had died lonely. I then wanted to tell someone that I was dead. So I went out to try to find someone who cared about me and let them know. I found several of my closest friends and tried to make them know, but no one paid any attention, and they never even mentioned my name. Weeks passed, and my body started to turn into dust. Still, no one noticed, and no one did anything. I just followed people around who no longer thought of me and simply didn't care. It was an odd feeling, but I was too distant to feel sad. Then the part of me that was left still thinking, conscious and moving around started to disappear. I watched first my legs, then my arms and torso and finally my head just vanished. Then I was no more. And the world was an empty stage.

[Rachael]

Btw, anonymous guest poster. I've seen a bunch of what you've been writing lately and you've been making me think lots about stuff I spend a lot of time trying to forget. If you ever want to talk, PM me or message me or something.

Gmail and yahoo IM: asymptote.friday