(different topic)
Lon
Getting Oriented
Lon
Loc: Bonners Ferry, Idaho
Reg: 07-21-07
08-28-07 12:34 PM - Post#2353
How about some sharing some of our outstanding memorable moments from having a child in a wilderness or TBS?
The one that stands out to me the most was when my wife and I attended a Super Bowl party one year. Just as the first quarter was well under way, we got a call from our daughter she was in a crisis and was going to walk away from the school. Needless to say, with phone calls and being on pins and needles, we saw very little of the game. Fortunately, her mother was very firm, and the staff convinced her they really did care about her, so she stayed to graduate and create a successful life after school. I think this was the real deciding point between the placement succeeding or failing. If we had given in and allowed her to come home, we would have sooner or later gone back to the intolerable behaviors that caused us to place her in the first place.
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Keisha
Getting Oriented
Reg: 08-19-07
08-28-07 10:02 PM - Post#2359
In response to Lon
Our daughter graduated on a beautiful June day with a backdrop of the Mission Mountains. It was the most beautiful graduation I had ever seen and focused on each of the graduates. It inspired our daughter so much that she wrote a song for her dad which she sang for him the day after graduation (which happened to be Father's Day)at Lake McDonald in Glacier Park. This from a girl who was barely speaking to either of us when we took her to the program.
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goldenguru
Getting Oriented
Reg: 08-18-07
09-01-07 02:30 PM - Post#2390
In response to Keisha
I'll be honest. Most moments associated with our daughters placement I would rather not remember.
It was so incredibly difficult for her. For our entire family.
I hated the whole experience.
The therapeutic weekends were emotionally exhausting. Weekly phone calls were the basis for my entire week. If she was good ... I was good. If she was distraught ... I had a horrible week.
I do realize now that I was totally enmeshed in her life. I had to learn some detachment skills.
My husband and I are very polarized on this issue. He credits her placement with 'saving her life' and contributing to who she is today. I'm not convinced.
No. Some things are better left unvisited.
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birdfeeder
Getting Oriented
Reg: 08-21-07
09-02-07 05:48 PM - Post#2399
In response to goldenguru
Thank you for that: "I needed to learn some detachment skills." I think that's exactly where I am and I appreciate your forming the words for me. While I certainly don't know the details of your circumstances and I can sympathize with the polarized parent positions (gratefully, that's one of the few problems I don't have), I can say that it is our belief that if our daughter had remained at home, she would have destroyed our family and probably our marriage. The only reason she and her brother have a civil and tentatively affectionate relationship is because she hasn't been at home.
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goldenguru
Getting Oriented
Reg: 08-18-07
09-03-07 07:30 AM - Post#2400
In response to birdfeeder
Hi Birdfeeder~
Don't get me wrong ... I haven't mastered the detachment thing. I am a work in progress. But, recognizing that we are too controlled by our children is the first step.
My children are out of the house now. One lives about 9 hours away and is a senior in college. My daughter married this summer and lives about 20 miles away. Having them out of the house has made detaching easier and more difficult at the same time.
Because they aren't 'under my roof' I tend to worry less because I don't see everything. Because they aren't 'under my roof' I tend to worry more because I have not control. *gasp* LOL
Check out this great web site that I frequent. I have it on speed dial on my bookmarks. LOL.
Here's the link:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htmIt's really very helpful.
So, what is your daughter doing currently? Is she still in a program?
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birdfeeder
Getting Oriented
Reg: 08-21-07
09-03-07 03:25 PM - Post#2401
In response to goldenguru
Thank you so much for that excellent site; I'm in the process of printing 10 pages right now...will read every word and have already passed it along to one of my support groups. Sticking with boundaries is a really, really hard thing for loving moms!!! Yes, my daughter is still "in a program"...a "life skills" boarding school (she was manipulating therapists)modeled on the 12 step concept. She will be 16 in six weeks. She's been doing very well for the last six months but is currently in a bit of a "relapse" so your detachment concepts are very helpful to me right now. Our son will be a senior in high school and is at home and doing fine; just the sort of "regular" annoying that all teens can be.Back to our daughter, we visit monthly, talk weekly, had our first off campus overnight, took her brother to see her three times this summer and had HOPED that she'd be home for Thanksgiving but she may be in the process of sabotaging that. We'll just have to take one step at a time. And, not to be maudlin, but running errands today, I stopped by the cemetery to visit the grave of the son of a dear friend who was killed in an auto accident 18 months ago after a very difficult year...sometimes it gives me some weird strength to reflect on doing what we must do just to keep our daughter alive to grow out of whatever stage she's in.
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Dadrod
Getting Oriented
Reg: 08-25-07
09-04-07 04:37 PM - Post#2414
In response to birdfeeder
There are several things I'll remember, but the most striking was our son's last night in wilderness. He prepared our campsite. He prepared our meals. HE took care of US! And, the environment was spectacular in a way that only nature can be, far removed from our everyday world.
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Lon
Getting Oriented
Lon
Loc: Bonners Ferry, Idaho
Reg: 07-21-07
09-04-07 10:15 PM - Post#2423
In response to Dadrod
Hi Dadrod:
Welcome back. And your statement was almost poetic. Or at least good prose.
Lon
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Keisha
Getting Oriented
Reg: 08-19-07
09-05-07 12:39 PM - Post#2429
In response to Lon
Our daughter wanted to show us some of the skills she had learned in the wilderness and started to show us how the bow drill worked. Just as the smoke started rising, I noticed that she was directly under the smoke alarm and she got it outside just in time to avoid setting off the alarm. She learned a new lesson--don't use the bow drill inside!!
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Liz V
Getting Oriented
Reg: 08-24-07
09-05-07 08:12 PM - Post#2445
In response to Keisha
I remember our first on-campus visit with our son at his RTC. This formerly sullen, silent, city kid took us for a long walk through the hills and desert scrub, stopping to point out plants, bugs and tracks (things he never would have noticed before, let alone talked to us about).
I also remember how he hugged his little brother on a later visit, then turned and whispered to me "He's so small!". Up to that point my older son had always treated his younger brother as a peer, threat, or competitor. Something changed for him while living in a dorm of much older boys. In that moment he became a real big brother. That part has carried over still, and its really good.
