You're right about how non parents treat the kids they are in custody of VS the way they treat their biological kids .
While my dad was not in Heaven, I was not in my dad's custody either.
Sorry for your loss Botched.
I ended up with my "favorite" Aunt for my 7th and 8th grade years. Part of the 9th too.
She and my Uncle took custody of me and I was living with them. Until the "problems" started everything was hunky dory.
Her son was a complete asshole when he was in his teens. We are talking a drunk, coke head, violent outbursts, screaming, stealing money from their purses/wallets, Etc. BUT because he had pals from the prep school he attended it was often downplayed by the school and the parents who think the "Boys will be boys" motto is a get out jail free card.
When she asked about her treatment of his problems VS the ways she handled my little ones, in comparison, she made excuses that people saw right through and she got mad when confronted on it. She claimed it was a different type of behavior that I showed VS his and that I needed "tough love" and that she would not allow me to wreak havoc on her life they way her biological son did. No matter the "damage" done to me and our relationship she was in the right about how to treat and punish me.
BUT it was ALL my fault and if I was a better kid no one would not have to punish me. Sound familiar anyone?
Over the 2 years I was there I told them about things that happened in my life that were seriously troubling me and I wanted to see a therapist or psychiatrist to get help for them.
Infact it was suggested to ALL of us to get group/family therapy. But like I said I was the "sicko" NOT them.
I finally got to see a good Dr. and she threw the script away he gave me.
When my worker showed up at their door my Aunt and Uncle were like "we don't want her in here" meaning me. My worker begged them to let me pack my stuff as it was October and all I had was 1 pair of shorts to wear. They refused. They said what they gave me was good enough to live in for now and as far as my personal non clothing items went they did not give them to me because they claimed they did not exsist. They were rotten to me and her. She even offered to pack it all for me. We almost called the police to supervise my packing. But decided to leave. THAT was stupid. I needed those clothes. They were mine actually. My dad's child support paid for them.
My worker was like this, they may live in a snooty neighborhood and they may have a house and a few nice cars but take that all away and what you got left is a woman with a dream to fit into a lifestyle that is not her nor will it ever be her. She went into the red credit wise to buy clothes and jewlery to impress the snooty McSnooty's that lived in our neighborhood. They met her and never asked her to go to the country club with them or asked her to dinner with them and that infuriated her to no end.
She was catered to and spoiled by my Uncle to keep her out of his hair and to keep her quiet.
She did not try to help me at all. I begged for help and all I heard was her on the phone talking shit about me. I was not even 14 yet. The things she said were rotten. SHe was also SO intrusive. She read my journals and was repeating the passages to my new friends parents, my other Aunt, my Nana, Etc. It was filled with seriously personal stuff about my dad's abuse of me and so on so forth.
A teacher in school, Mrs.Ruda who was in her late 30's or early 40's was unable to have kids. She was married and she and I bonded. She took me to see tennis matches (I met Michael Chang, Jimmy Connors, John Macenroe, Steffi Graph, Etc.) It was awesome!
She bought me clothes or items I expressed an interest in. She would say they were her old things but I knew they were brand new. My Aunt ruined all the clothing items and broke the non clothing items or threw them out and played dumb when I said they were lost. She told me I was crazy and that I never had that "junk" I claim is missing to begin with. Until I searched the garbage and her closet and unearthed all of my journals, letters, belongings, then she could NOT deny the obvious truth. She was trying to "protect" me she claimed. From what? The footless, lace trimmed tights that were ALL the rage back in the late, late 80's? My hairbows? My "Guess" jeans? My "Tiger Beat" magazine collection? My mascara? my curling iron?
My aunt HATED her and was jealous of her. Mrs.Ruda got a respect from me, my aunt never did and that burned her up to see me bond with this mother figure she was supposed to be to me. My mom left before I turned 2 and my aunt who always wanted a girl but got 2 boys thought she could be my mom. She tried to get my dad to give me to her when I was a baby! My dad raised me all alone instead. He got help from them and other trusted family friends.
I told her why me and Eileen Ruda were close and she could not fathom it. She ruined the relationship by calling the school and Eileen's husband to complain. She called multiple times. Mrs.Ruda eventually left on her own. She was saddened by my situation and the lack of seriousness the school was taking with my problems.
Auntie dearest called ALL of my friends parents and told them a lot of shit about me and what I had been through. She told them I was "sick in the head" and would "drag their kids down". I was "damaged" goods and to not let their daughters bother with me because I was uncapable of forming a friendship bond. I guess all the "Best Friend" knecklaces I was given the other halfs to meant nothing to her or anyone else. I had 6 of the freakin things!
Needless to say I lost ALL of my friends in less than 1 month. Following a betrayal by my ex BFF I ended up leaving the school. I just never went back and hid in the woods by my house all day until school was out. That lasted a few weeks then I was put in a school for delinquents. I made "bad" new friends and began my "Fuck you and I am sick of your treatment of me" campaign.
I never drank, got high, had sex, stolen anything, Etc. I talked on the phone a lot and kept a messy room. I back talked too and had bad grades. I needed help learning certain things, like math. I was easily distracted in class. I liked to go out on Fridays with my pals and watch a movie or walk around. That was the thing to do on Friday nights in my town. Everyone hung out in downtown. It was safe and there was a police presence due to the nice and fancy schmancy stores.
Even my pals (up until she ruined the friendships) were good kids.
I do not know to this day what went wrong and when it went wrong. It just all smashed me in the face out of the clear blue sky. I was confused and depressed and livid when the sadness eventually wore off.
My Aunt is VERY ill now. Has been for years.She ended up with some type of organic degenerative brain disorder. We all thought it was Alzheimers but the symptoms were not consistent. They were consistent with advanced "Lyme Disease" however. I wish her no pain or harm. I love her as a blood relative should.
When she passes away my family is "extinct". All there will be left of us is a few cousins born to my dad's 2 sisters. There are 4 of us total. All of my cousins are older than I. I am in my early 30's and they are late 40's. Maybe early 50's.
NONE of us are close nor do we remain in contact despite the fact we all live within a 1/2 hour drive of one another.
So you see a lot of us went through similar shit when we were young un's.
It is sad to see so many with big families take them for granted. Then you get people like us with next to nothing for a family. We would "kill" to have a nice place to go on the holidays.
It is nice to be with your significant others family on the holidays or your friends family but they do not "beat" having your own large, warm family to go to on Christmas.
I remember the smells of yummy Thanksgiving Day dinners being cooked at Nana's. I loved the rolls with real butter melting on them, the special stuffing my auntie made was so yummy, the turkey (white meat) with hot gravy and yummy potatoes (sweet and mashed), the cranberry sauce (smooth NOT chunky) , the greenbean casserole recipe taken off of the "Campbells Soup Can" was so yummy and it was amazing how those things mixed together would be THAT tempting and pleasing to the pallet. LOL.... Herbie (step-grandpa) made this salad dressing that was extrodinary, it was a vinagrette type dressing. Homemade and the recipe IS guarded. LOL...
I try to remember the good times when it comes to my family. It makes life a little less bitter.
No matter my feeling towards their actions or how they treated (or mistreated me) I still love them and hope for the best in the future for all of us. It's all I can do right about now.
Family issues like these are hard. If they were NOT blood related it would be easier to walk away and say "fuck you very much". We may stray from the pasture but eventually make it home when push comes to shove. When we get word that one of ours is hurting or in trouble we do go to their side and all of the past hurts are momentarily forgotten about.
