OK. What is it I'm tryin ta get at here. Not sure if I can articulate the subtlety of my thoughts clearly, 'cause right now my neck hairs are up and I can feel my lip curlin back so my teeth show.
I really do appreciate all the insightful discussion goin on here. It helps me to understand better.
I went in when I was 16, almost 17. I, like you, knew right away, what I was dealin with. I mean after the intake, the strip search and the introduction to group, it's pretty obvious your rights are bein violated and you know that God knows and you know you must escape. I played along for the first 17 or so hours, even refusing to answer the other kid who came in right after me when he looked down the front row at me and asked me to run for the door with him. I was intensely studyin the situation and figured I'd have a better opportunity later. Sorry Harry.
So I observed where I was and looked for weaknesses in the wall.
That night I was locked into a small room in suburban VA, with 4 other boys. They explained the rules to me as I constantly broke them. One kid insanely discussed shovin a screwdriver up his ass and how he felt about it. Fuck! I was a virgin. I was horrified.
I ran the next mornin and if I could find the thread I could link you to a whole story of just that particular cop-out attempt.
It was a Sun mornin and I had played it cool all the way...the oldcomer had me by the back of the pants, his middle finger through my beltloop and then twisted so that his hand firmly gripped the back of my jeans and what am I supposed to think 'a' that. No way! I was bein threatened. My life was in danger. As soon as we got out of the garage I just flew. He couldn't hold on. I looked back once and he was on the ground with his arm outstretched after me, his fingers reachin. I ran through the woods, toward Burke Lake, but I was slowed when I ran through a freshly plowed field and I also was completely amazed at their determination to catch me. After about a half mile I was nauseous and sick. I stopped to catch my breath. Then my oldcomer caught up to me and he was bigger than me and he sat on top of me and threatened to beat me up and told him to go 'head and try.
Then his dad even showed up and together they put me in a double head-lock and dragged me back to the car, which was still in the driveway. I was confronted all the way to the building and then once at the building I was put into an intake room where I was forced to sit up $tr8 in a chair while I was confronted half the day by all the staff, especially Ingrid. Then I was re-introduced to group with full cop-out honors, 'Who remembers starry-eyed pirate
'
Anyway, I already wrote that whole thread before, and I'd pull it up if this site was as navigable as the last one.
So I was stuck. I was in crisis. I put in a withdraw and sat with my hand down. 3 days later I was called on and I stood up and some staff member told me my parents would not come to see me and would not speak to me. I had no recourse at all. I was cast into $tr8 Inc.
So I played it cool again and waited and bided my time. I kept marks on my shoe, which I never mentioned to anyone, which were the days I'd been there. Every night when I wrote my MI I also made a line on my shoe.
I kept puttin in for T & R. I just wanted to advance so I could run. But they didn't trust me and so finally on day 64 of first phase I ran from my oldcomer. As we were gettin out of the van I jumped and ran out into the darkness. I took him by surprise and there is a whole very interesting thread about this incident as well, which I would link you to if it were not so hard to find. Anyway I got away but was captured and returned with full cop-out honors again and started over.
In all I copped out 4 different times. That first one, I don't even count, cause I didn't actually get away. Once off 1st phase and 3 times off 'a' 3rd.
My whole program(23 months) I was never set back or started over, except for cop-outs and cop-out attempts. Even though it was completely predictable that I would run, they could never tell when I was 'F.o.S' They wanted me on staff when I graduated but I told 'em no. See they finally arrested me for grand theft auto, cause I helped my host-bro steal that work truck on my last cop-out, so I got court-ordered.
I was in group with Steve Mathews. I knew him. He was a friend. I've posted a whole thread about how they pulled me out of group to give me the news. 2 staff members took me into the carpet room where we were alone to tell me he was dead. They asked me how I felt about that, but I was in shock. I shrugged and they took me back to group, where I sat unable to speak or move. I grieved alone.
I came out 'a' there kinda like RTP said with what I thought was the truth of our society. All those things that I heard were so awful about 'ol communist Russia actually happened to me, here in America. Where is America ?? She does not exist in the way I was conditioned to believe. She didn't protect me at all. What I lost is just what I had to give up in order to know the truth, and be strong in my understanding. All authority is false. God is in you.
Havin finally got out from such a violent and invasive place, I had a nervous breakdown and spent the following decade wanderin around. All my refernces gone. Nothing.
I have traded a lot for what I know. Patterns give themselves away.
