"Natural consequence" to drunken teen?

[Anonymous]

My kid overall is trying to be a reasonable member of the family.  But, she also states I have no control over what she does and its my problem if I "choose to be upset" that she gets falling down drunk.  Currently she is "only" partying about once a week.  This weekend when I arrived at the prearranged time to pick her up from a beach party, she could hardly get into the car. She was falling into my lap as we drove home.  She staggered into the house and threw up all over my bathroom.  She of course was too wasted to clean it up. She's a pretty mean drunk, too.

She says this is "fun" and she's very happy with her life.  She says she's working on learning on how much she can drink without blacking out.  So far, she's not learning fast enough and I worry that she'll accidentally kill herself before she figures it out.  In my opinion a person can smoke a ton of weed and not be in as much danger as a fair amount of alcohol can do.  I'm actually tempted to bribe her with pot if she'll agree not to drink.  

She has met a lot of new people through one particular party friend and wants to transfer next year to the continuation high school that most of these kids go to, even though she admits her current high school is pretty tolerable.  She just has more "friends" now at the druggie continuation school.

So what I gather from what I've read here is that I'm not supposed to try and control her, but just "be there" for her until she finds something else "fun" to do?

[Truth Searcher]

On the off chance that you're not trolling:

So what I gather from what I've read here is that I'm not supposed to try and control her

Ummm. No offense, but why would you seek advise of total strangers ... on the web no less ... on how to parent your children?  

You leave out several vital items.  Like how old is your daughter?

Falling down drunk is no laughing matter.  She could be a few drinks away from alcohol poisoning.  Not to mention that she is putting herself in a precarious position for date rape.  For heavens sake if your worried about 'her accidentally killing herself' and if this is a justified fear ... then you need to find a solution.  Quickly.

If she feels the need to 'experiment' I'm of the opinion that you should encourage her to do so in the safe confines of your home.  If she is partying to this degree once a week ... then she probably learned 'how much she can drink without passing out'.

If my kid puked all over my bathroom ...  you can bet I'd have gotten her hungover butt out of bed the next morning to be scrubbing floors, bathrooms, washing windows.

[TheWho]

With the little information you gave us about the situation, I have the following comments:

Once a week can be considered fairly tame in highschool by some standards, the only part that would concern me is her mentioning that she wanted to see how much she could drink without blacking out.  This may be a test of some sort within her group to reach a certain amount of drinks to become accepted or a dare of some sort.  After she reaches her goal she will probably back off because drinking that much really stinks the next day and girls, especially, tend to not like to be out of control or forget what happened as much as guys do.  Throwing up isn’t much fun either even when you are young.

The other concern I would have is if there is a history of alcoholism in your family.  Then if this activity is prolonged  it could become an issue, but otherwise I would think this would burn itself out by itself over time.

Another suggestion is to try to persuade her “a little” to stay in the school she is at, especially since she seems to tolerate it presently.  You may be able to use the other school (with her new friends) as a trump card later on if things continue to get worse and allowing her to transfer could keep you in the communication loop later on and you won’t be viewed as controlling her life as much.
Good Luck, Liver.

Check back each day, you may get some different perspectives here and maybe find something that works well for you.

...

[Anonymous]

On the off chance that you're not trolling:


Ummm. No offense, but why would you seek advise of total strangers ... on the web no less ... on how to parent your children?

Because there seems to be a fair number of young people on this board who previously or currently have issues with substance abuse and other sorts of acting out and have opinions on how they could or could not have been helped.

Daughter is 15 1/2.

You leave out several vital items.  Like how old is your daughter?

For heavens sake if your worried about 'her accidentally killing herself' and if this is a justified fear ... then you need to find a solution.  Quickly.

What sorts of solutions would you recommend?

[Anonymous]

"I'm actually tempted to bribe her with pot if she'll agree not to drink. "

Ha Ha I wish my parents were that cool!  :rofl:
Are you serious?

If it did not set such a bad precedence ("here honey, if you behave like a big enough selfish shithead, I'll cave in and give you drugs") and was not so likely to get me in trouble especially once her friends spread the word to their parents that I was giving my kid pot, then I would more seriously consider it.  Alcohol is much worse than pot, agreed.

To be honest, if she suspected I'd called the cops, I'm afraid she'd run away and this scares me.  One of her friend's mom has openly threatened to call the cops, and I hope one day very soon she does.

[exhausted]

15 1/2 - yipes i remember me and my mates scraping together our pennies to buy a bottle of 'white lightning' cider, we used to get rat arsed

i don't take drugs, neither am I an alcoholic, I just did it cos I was a teen who wanted to get drunk, I thought I was so cool

My kids have done it too, except for one, it has passed and they're not interested anymore

i agree with the making her scrub the mess and not lying about with the hangover the next day

[hanzomon4]

Do what my mom threatened to do buy handcuffs and you two spend some time "together". But really have you two set down and had an open talk about her drinking? I think everybody goes through this weird stage every major life cycle/change, I guess the teens look so bad because mommy is still responsible for baby...

[Truth Searcher]

What sorts of solutions would you recommend?

Well let me pose a question to you.  

If your daughter was using the family car in a very reckless manner, what would your response be?  Most parents might consider taking the privilege of the family car away for a designated period of time.  

I might suggest that if your daughter is coming home falling down drunk ... is a 'mean drunk' (I'm not sure what that implies) ... if you're truly afraid that she may accidentally kill herself ... then I would not allow her to go to parties.  Or at very least ... I would take the privilege away until she can make better choices.  Grounding sounds like a fair consequence.  Set down the limits ... and the consequences ahead of time.  And then follow through.  

A little recreational drinking is normal.  An occasional lapse of judgment toward over drinking resulting in 'falling down drunk' happens on occassion.   But this type of behavior on a weekly basis sounds likes possible trouble.

[psy]

When I started drinking I was 18 (legal in the country I ws in).  I experimented to see how much was too much.  One day, i drank too much. I threw up, it was embarrassing.  The migraine was not pleasant... I felt like total shit the next day.  I told myself I would never drink that much again, and I didn't.  I hardly drink at all.

She might just be finding her limits.  Make sure you drive her, and that she knows the dangers of drinking too much.  Explain to her that it takes a while for alcohol to kick in once you drink it, it depends you whether you have eaten, etc etc...  

The next time she is really drunk (almost getting sick), take her somewhere public with a lot of people (like starbucks, or something)...  Buy her a strong coffee.  Preferably espresso... a couple shots.  the high doses of caffeine with the alcohol will make her nauseous.  When she vomits all over the place, people stare at her, and the management make her clean it up, she'll reconsider doing it again.  (I speak from that one time experience)  Don't leave her to clean it up alone or she will blame you for embarrassing her.  Help her, and she will blame herself for drinking too much, and she will learn the natural consequences of drinking too much.

A friend of mine had a similar experience.. He used to drink a lot, and one day got a little too drunk and threw up all over this girl who was asking her for his phone number in the bar.  He no longer drinks so much.

[Covergaard]

Well, I come from Denmark where people can buy all sorts of alcohol without parental approval when they are 16. So we train them a little before - aged 14 or aged 15. A bottle of vodka works different than a bottle of beer. If the parent can not tell them the difference by letting them taste and experience the effects, who can?

It is a good idea with a young legal age because people can obtain drivers licence when they are 18, so they learn the dangers of combining drinking and traffic, before they are given the keys to something that can kill other people. That should save some lives.

So no drivers licence to her before she can show a sober behavior. Of course getting drunk once in a while is another story, but drinking to a limit where they hardly can walk is too much.

Then there is the risk of rape. There is a old fasion solution and it is not a joke. The company with the solution is called neosteel and they manifactors belts made of steel / neophrene. Tell her to show responsibility by taking it on herself and wearing the belt while she is testing her limit or not go at all.

You can take her for a drive with family to a remote place (pack for a picnic). Onve arrived, then present the hard facts and your worries. Show her pictures of the belts from the homepage and ask her to think about the dangers she is exposing her self to. Discuss drinking habbits and tell her about your own youth.

Regarding school. Tell her that people grow up, they move along in life, perhaps her friend would not even be there, when she changes school some time in the present.

Last thing: Get rid of all alcohol in your home and show her that it is not something you need to have in your life in order to survive. Sometime parenting is showing off your own behavior.

[psy]

Chasitity belts?!??!?

http://www.neosteel.de/Nsepcbf.htm

Holy crap folks.  That's just about the oddest thing I've ever heard suggested on this forum...  That site has everything.  They even have remote-controlled versions, like your car keys...  vroom vroom..  :rofl:  :rofl:

[Covergaard]

Drug rape is a real thing and many girls are exposed to the threat of it regardless how well they protect their glasses.

In one case it was the waiter, who "prepped" the glasses behind the bar. The drug is often so fast out of the system, that it is hard to prove that drug has been there at all. The result is that the victim often is blamed as a cheap girl. (In real bad cases it is a wwasp "therapist" or junior staff member, who is shouting the victim in the face regardless how young the victim was at the time of the rape.)

Yes, they have toys on the page for what I would call odd habbits, but it is not why most women buy these belts (It is not their husbands creditcard, which is used. It is their own. Take it from a former IT-consultant, who has sold computers and network to a company called latexa before they moved their production to Poland). They use it as protection in a yet more cruel world.

[Rachael]

One of the things I strongly resent from my time spent in the program is that I never had the opportunity to experiment with alcohol when I was a teenager. I had never been drunk before the program and for several years afterwards I was too terrified of ending up "deadinsaneorinjail" that I wouldn't touch alcohol. As a result, I didn't know my limits or even how alcohol really affects you. So, I was totally unequipped to deal with it in a social setting. When I finally did start experimenting with alcohol (very lightly and only a few times), I was already working on a career and in a very important relationship. I had several painful episodes before I learned how to drink responsibly - nothing horrible, just my partner probably didn't need to see me make out with our roommate's girlfriend one New Years , and my boss had a really good laugh at my expense at an open bar office party. It would have been so much easier to have had that as a teenager when the consequences aren't so immense.

Also, in my opinion, most parents don't give their kids as much credit as they deserve with respect to their friends - especially in the case of girls. Chances are that at least some of the people your daughter hangs out and drinks with are genuinely caring people who have no malicious intent towards her. Her instincts will keep her away from those who may be predatory and dangerous. When her thinking is impaired by alcohol or drugs, those she's chosen to spend time with will likely keep an eye out for her. That's the way friends work - even silly teenage girls.

What I would do (and what I did with my younger sister while she was in my care) is to provide a safe place to come back to. That is, calmly educate her about the real dangers of alcohol poisoning and signs to watch out for in herself and the people she parties with. Talk to her about date rape and how to keep herself safe (always stay with friends she trusts, guard her drinks, etc.). And above all, always make it possible for her to feel safe asking you for help. Let her know that she can always call you if she needs a ride home or feels unsafe. If she does ask for help or confide in you in any way, never, ever punish her for it. Make sure that she understands that you are there for her when she needs help, no matter how much she has disappointed you.

A lot of that is extremely difficult to do. It may get worse before it gets better. She is going to make mistakes, make very stupid decisions and scare the shit out of you. That is how we all learn. As parent it's our job to be mature, responsive and loving - even (especially) when they are not. In the end, all of your patience will reward you with a lively, independent daughter who respects and trusts you.

Best of luck!

Rachael




BTW, here's a student produced PSA that actually has some very valid advice regarding date rape (ignore the lame dancing ): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvOpN-QQs_U.

[hanzomon4]

The "belts" are scary, let no program find out about these things.

Another suggestion for breaching the subject of alcohol in general could be making mixed drinks together. It would be like trying out a cooking recipe but it would also allow you to talk about the dangers/realities of alcohol in a non-accusatory manner. You really do get a kids attention when you truly show your concern in a respectful and even-leveled way(no power-plays). With teens it's important that you learn when to give guidance and leave them to make the right choice, however at times you do have to be "the parent". The two compliment each other and serve as a bridge between Teen and adult children.

My .02