I for one was in AARC. Lately, I've been talking about it a lot; with my sisters who were there on the sibling side and with my S/O Paul who was not. Thinking about it so much is taking its toll. I've felt panicky most of the time and I've kind of regressed back to this small, meek, terrified little girl that I used to be when I was 15. It's like all the years between just fell away, and I'm just as helpless as I was then.
Last night, I'd been speaking with one of my sisters about AARC. Just little things like the jargon they used, what open meetings were like, how Christmas and Thanksgiving were, songs they played at homecomings -- really, nothing especially painful. But what we were talking about, I've been pushing away for years. Describing all the little details of AARC essentially recreated the environment in my mind, I was back there again.
After I went to bed, I couldn't forget, couldn't push it out of my head. I was back there. It's like I always have two realities - the present: the life I'm living, my partner and daughter, and myself, confident, intelligent, compassionate and strong; but on top of that reality is the past where I am still there and it never stopped happening. For the past year or two, reality number two has been weak and far away. It doesn't bother me most of the time, except for when I'm sleeping. But last night, reality number one lost and I was almost completely back there. I curled up in a little ball and hid under my duvet. I took Paul's ipod and tried to drown out my head with Kid koala. But I couldn't make it go away. I was clutching so hard to stay here and believe that it was over and long ago, but I couldn't. I didn't see my room around me anymore.
I don't know how long I was like that, but Paul came in to go to bed and found me tightly curled up, shaking, crying and generally freaking out. He was talking to me for some time and I remember nothing of it. He managed to get me up and dressed and put our daughter in my arms. I started to come back to here and be able to at least see what was going on around me. I was still seeing images, scenes from the past in front of me as if they were real. We went outside and walked along the river, and I came back. Things I was seeing went back to being passive memories that I could control. But I felt so weak, not scared or anything else. Emotionally, I'm just blank. But it feels like there is nothing left in me.
So Guest... I have a right to criticize.
