Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Benchmark Young Adult School / Benchmark Transitions
remebering myself
psy:
--- Quote from: ""Guest"" ---i went to CEDU and i totally agree of 12 group member we have only 5 left the rest killed themselves after graduationg CEDU. CEDU is hell
--- End quote ---
CEDU (and it's clones) have a special talent for that. Without the mind, the body dies... Every day, attacked... Told you weren't being real until you believed it... If you wanted to succeed in program, you had to pretend... After a while, it wasn't pretend anymore. You couldn't confide in anybody... You didn't know who was pretending and who really believed program was god. That is what makes it a cult. Program is established as the saviour: "[generic saviour figure] saved my life... without [generic saviour figure] i would be dead. I was headed down the wrong path... [generic saviour figure] helped me find out who I really am"
When you realize what was done... How do you feel... Somebody raped your mind. Alternating rage, pain, and weakness. Self doubt (were they really right)... because once you believed something 100%, it's always in the back of your mind, making you question... You question reality, who you were, what is love, what is friendship... because it was all redefined. Somewhere, you believe you can't make it without program... You are programmed to fulfill that prophecy (and you will) unless you realize what was done. These feeling, these thoughts, these memories, this torment... it's permanent. Is there any hope to feel better? For me, it involves facing the past, rather than "moving on" and ignoring it. I feel better after speaking about what happened to me... I found release in the form of helping others, introspection, and research. I knew who I was before program, they made me forget, I waited too long to think about it, I didn't want to, and now I can't remember... but i'm trying... and as I try, the more I remember, the more I feel alive once again. Others would rather forget (who wants to remember... it's easier to "move on"). Others find release in anything from heroin to suicide. It helps to forget. I can understand that... When you have nothing to lose, when there is no hope, when you feel it can't get any worse...
How many others feel like this?
nimdA:
Believe it or not I do.
Though I found my redemption through helping others. Same process different direction. Hard to explain.
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: ""psy"" ---
--- Quote from: ""Guest"" ---i went to CEDU and i totally agree of 12 group member we have only 5 left the rest killed themselves after graduationg CEDU. CEDU is hell
--- End quote ---
CEDU (and it's clones) have a special talent for that. Without the mind, the body dies... Every day, attacked... Told you weren't being real until you believed it... If you wanted to succeed in program, you had to pretend... After a while, it wasn't pretend anymore. You couldn't confide in anybody... You didn't know who was pretending and who really believed program was god. That is what makes it a cult. Program is established as the saviour: "[generic saviour figure] saved my life... without [generic saviour figure] i would be dead. I was headed down the wrong path... [generic saviour figure] helped me find out who I really am"
When you realize what was done... How do you feel... Somebody raped your mind. Alternating rage, pain, and weakness. Self doubt (were they really right)... because once you believed something 100%, it's always in the back of your mind, making you question... You question reality, who you were, what is love, what is friendship... because it was all redefined. Somewhere, you believe you can't make it without program... You are programmed to fulfill that prophecy (and you will) unless you realize what was done. These feeling, these thoughts, these memories, this torment... it's permanent. Is there any hope to feel better? For me, it involves facing the past, rather than "moving on" and ignoring it. I feel better after speaking about what happened to me... I found release in the form of helping others, introspection, and research. I knew who I was before program, they made me forget, I waited too long to think about it, I didn't want to, and now I can't remember... but i'm trying... and as I try, the more I remember, the more I feel alive once again. Others would rather forget (who wants to remember... it's easier to "move on"). Others find release in anything from heroin to suicide. It helps to forget. I can understand that... When you have nothing to lose, when there is no hope, when you feel it can't get any worse...
How many others feel like this?
--- End quote ---
Yeah, I feel ya. There was some people who might have helped me before, a long time ago, early after I got out. But all the ways the program ingrained in me to doubt anything I said, anything at all, and the effects of the kind of emotional abuse that was huge and constant in the cult: that anything you said WAS used against you, it made it hard to even get comfort and counseling. I couldn't stand to be misinterpreted and defined anymore, I was just really sensitive to that, and I didn't trust people, and I didn't have the skills to simply stand up for myself and my own truth. If someone abused me they were only echoing the self-abusive voices in my own head. I couldn't get through to people, or the other way around. It DOES hurt that much to be destroyed like we were destroyed. It's really real, like Van Morrison says. So are you. If you suffer, suffer well, don't leave your soul in hell.
Oz girl:
Perhaps there needs to be a specialist counselling service for those who have come out of this system
Antigen:
http://wellspringretreat.org/
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