You obviously want to vent on MGDP, not his(?)work. Post your own literary efforts for the Fornits crew to critique. If this is the first attempt at an extended work of fiction, props to him. I've scanned over a good bit of this, so let me address your slaggings, albeit a bit late.
More endlessly long sentences (with really long parenthetical phrases oh my god just stuck in there anywhere you feel like, no kidding) than you can shake a stick at, even if it was a really light stick, you know the kind that you could shake for a really long time because it's not too heavy!
It's literary technique, used a lot to maintain a stream of consciousness first-person narrative. Kerouac relied heavily upon "run-on" sentences, cataloging, etc. to maintain his flow. Celine did the same, skipping formal punctuation and using only the ellipsis, his beloved "three dots", to keep a manic pace and it fucking worked.
Billy and Howard comes off as being in the same vein stylistically as
Me and Kev by Simon Black. Everything revolves around some batshit craziness.
It opens with Metallica lyrics.
Tristan Egolf's
Kornwulf opened with Slayer lyrics. Denis Johnson quoted the Velvet Underground and lifted the title
Jesus' Son from VU's "Heroin".
The characters are causing you problems as well, huh? It's fiction. I've seen on other threads where
someone accused the author of
Billy and Howard of promoting pedophilia.
Again: it's fiction, and you were forewarned of the content.
Naked Lunch has it's share of red-haired and freckle-faced adolescent males engaging in sexual activity.
You've got a right to criticize someone's work, but separate the author from the work. Why don't you send the guy enough money to print some hardbacks, you can order a batch and spark a Nazi book burning party.