It?s odd to me. Straight had me convinced I would be dead by 24-30. I am 44?.Now What?
Those are the words on everyone's lips. I had a suicide planned a couple of years ago, but a change in brain chemistry altered that. It was weird, I was sitting on a junked couch in the woods behind a Wal Mart, hanging out, waiting for my buddy to get done fucking some chick he picked up at a bar. It was a small apt and I was crashing on his couch so I went to the woods to kill time and give them privacy. Anyway, I had enough pills in my pocket to kill me ( a powerful barbiturate that I will not give the name of here) and was just waiting to tie up some loose ends before I did it. Then my brain chemistry changed. It was likie a fog had lifted. I no longer felt the depression and hopelessness that made me decide that suicide was a reasonable alternantive. Nothing had changed in my life or my thinkiing, my situation still sucked, but for some reason I no longer was depressed. My theory is that my brain was being drowned in "bad chemicals" and , when a critical level was reached, it kicked in "good chemicals" as a survival function. No mystical explanantion required. FOr a long time, I believed I would be dead by thirty. I'm almost 41 now, and I know the feeliing, the
"Now What?". I don't have any family or dependents in my life, it's just me, and I think I am lucky that way. I don't really have any goals or ambitions but to stay out of jail and be left alone. Sometimes I like to write shit on websites like these but I don't consider myself an artist or a writer. At one time I did, and spent hours rewriting and editing manuscripts, even got drunk and read a short story at an open mic night at the local pinko alternative media center, and got a good response. but wnen I reread it a month or so ago, showing it to a girl I knew (it had gotten me laid a couple of times before, mainly artsy types) , it struck me as bullshit, self-centered, and trite. I don't think I have a hell of a lot to say, so I don't consider myself a writer. I'd kinda like to be a beach bum. I'm getting bored with doing nothing here where I am, I'd like to do nothing elsewhere. I've heard you can get paid to grow pot in California, that people put up ads on craig's with houses already set up. I like to garden, so maybe that would be cool. Like I said, I'm not very ambitious anymore. I was at one time, but I am not now. "I just" want a few bowls of weed, maybe a beer or two, some pills now and then are OK, too. I really don't give a damn any more about much, but I like to smoke some weed and ignore everything else. Some tunes are nice, too. I used to sing for a band but that is over nowadays. It was fun and I am glad I did it, but it was a real pain in the ass and stopped being fun. I don't really play an instrument, I know a few guitar chords, but I'm really lazy and don't give that much of a damn. Particularly when there are so many other more talented people I could listen to.
I never could talk to my parents about Straight, either. They are dead now, so I can't talk about anything with them now, but that's not too different from when they were alive. After Straight, we mainly talked about the weather, or the local sports teams, or how my car was running. Occasionally Straight would come up in conversation, invariably leading to yelling and accusations and other unpleasantness that I guess we just decided to avoid. Since that was never resolved, I never got an apology more than "I'm sorry I put you in there because you won't let it go now" so we were never able to communicatre in other than shallow surface conversations. When I was at the point in my life when I needed somone older's experience and knowledge, ten years later than most of my pre-Straight peers, they died, and I did a lot of shit that has in many ways, sealed my fate on certain levels. I'm pretty far removed from the mainstream, and I am OK with that. I like how you put that, being OK with who you are. I think I am pretty damaged, from self-and Straight-inflicted wounds, but I am finally OK with who I am. Maybe the wounds will heal with time, I don't know. I do know that I fucked myself up after Straight, maybe because of what happened to me in Straight. WHo the fuck knows, or cares. It's my life now, and I'm OK with it. I don't really give a good goddamn one way or the other. Life ain't pretty and it ain't that sweet. It just is. Enjoy it while it lasts. Wow, I think I may have found my new ambition---to be a beach bum Maybe I can find a grow house in San Diego and move there. I like Ocean BEach when I was there in the 90s, in between selling acid to the Dead Head kids (someone once called me an "enemy Captain in the War On Drugs", well, I guess Straight picked my side for me.) The beach was nice there, I liked it OK.
Anyway, W-a-D, "I just" wanted to let ya know that I like d your post, and I'd even tell yopu "I can relate" but that would sound too much like that Straightling bullshit that I try to avoid.
Take care, dude. I'll drop you a PM if I'm ever in St. Pete, we can burn some herb and think about the good things, like being free from Straight.
RTP2k3