Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Benchmark Young Adult School / Benchmark Transitions
Identity Overwritten
blownawaytheidahoway:
hell no, dude. did you read this?
I particularly remember one of the girls getting yelled at and it seemed quite cruel the things they were saying.
?Umm, listen?. I began. ?I know y?all will get mad at me for this but can we let her ?sit in her shit? and move on? I think she?s upset?. I never would have said anything?I mean I really had learned my lesson, and I NEVER would have tried something like this in Caroline?s raps, I didn?t know the facilitator at all. I had seen him with his sinister looking mustache and nice blue eyes, and he sounded even more bumbling than Richard Armstrong had my first day. XXXX?s voice had such a twang I was immediately alerted to a possible affectation.
?What?s your name, XXXX Is that right?? I nodded and we locked eyes. This girl has sucked cock for cocaine?What?dya think about that??
?I heard that already?.
?Well, here in this school, you?ll learn that the work that XXXXXXXhere is doing is important, but I suppose a little druggie like you wouldn?t know that. You like cocaine, son??
I hadn?t realized that this was one of those rhetorical questions and I started to reject his claims and defend myself but before I had a chance, XXXX raised his voice a few notches and cut me off.
?Come on XXXXXXX, he?s right here in this room just tell him. I was with you in the "I Want To Live" and I know the work you did! You want to be a whore the rest of your life? He?s sitting right across from you!?
The girl lifted herself a little and locked a shaky finger in my direction, when her head raised up so I could see her face. She screamed for like ten or fifteen seconds and tears squirted off of her cheeks. ?YOU MADE ME SUCK YOUR COCK! I HATE YOU, DUMB COKEHEAD MOTHER FUCKERRRRRRRRR!?
I was terrified for the girl at first, and; as they reamed her for another twenty or thirty minutes, I began to think poorly of her too. I didn?t necessarily believe everything the four or six people were saying but if they insisted for an hour, it must have some merit.
After a while the tone stopped bothering me but the words didn't. I never saw XXXXXXXX the way I saw her when we walked into that rap that day.
?and by the time this rap was over, I had NO respect or desire left for this girl. Some part of me hated her for having to watch her be treated like that. There was ?something? she could do to make it stop. She had said as much, and even though I didn?t know what that ?something? was, I hated her for making me witness that series of ?indictments?.
also I remember some staff (caroline wolfe, in particular) asking girls and boys in her raps who they wanted to fuck and particulary when the question was "who do you wanna fuck in THIS rap". that was a nast game, with a nasty result, not the type of nasty you're thinking. Raps actually ruin normal sexual relations and CEDU created an aura of shame around sex, homosexuality in particular in the upper schools where the pull the rug out from under you after all that "love bombing" smoosh cirles.
ergo: RAPS= UN- FUCK YOU!
try another castle:
--- Quote from: ""TS Waygookin"" ---Hmmm...... raps blows.
--- End quote ---
There you go, talking about raps and sex again.
Hey, blownaway, was that one of Bruce's raps? (I wasn't there, I'm just guessing based on your description of the facilitator.)
psy:
--- Quote from: ""blownawaytheidahoway"" ---It seems like Benchmark (isn't that where you are watching your team play but have rumbleseat and it gets a little out of hand before you get to stand up?)
is similar to my experience at CEDU.
--- End quote ---
It's a CEDU clone started by an ex director of CEDU: Hilltop in Running Springs, CA. It's every bit as CEDU as CEDU ever was.
--- Quote ---hang in there, it takes a little time. When I first found this forum I didn't fuck my girlfriend for weeks. I was really really shaken thinking about this shit again.
--- End quote ---
it's been really nasty for me too. I tried to ignore it for the past five years really... If you read my Intro on my website it explains what "sparked" this.
I'm quite determined now to annihilate the place (no that was not a threat of violence Jayne. go put your lawyer away)
--- Quote ---I got some of the same advice that TSW gave...what's hard to keep in mind is how much touch and lack of touch or forced touch, or even the level of intimicy are all ingredients in creating wierdness afterwards. I could and probably do on other threads or in that fucking book, go on for volumes about the fallout from forced intimicy, and in my case having to SMOOSH with people who had been blowing me away in raps. I fucking wanted their hair balled up in my palm as I present the trophy to the house at morning light- the head of the last person that said some stupid out of touch shit to me in a rap.
--- End quote ---
When benchmark was first started they used to call raps "raps"... after CEDU started getting bad press they started calling em "groups". A piece of shit by any other name... I refer to them as raps on fornits becuase that's what they really are. They never changed the name "rap sheet" though. I don't think they're creative enough to figure out a euphemism for that.
--- Quote ---In a dream of what reality should have been...that's NORMAL feelings...but then having to actually smoosh and hug them and tell them I love them...shit i hardly say to the people for whom I feel that- and then smooshing with them for over two years? Now that is the CEDU way?
Did you have a lot of hugs and tears at benchmark?
-blownaway
--- End quote ---
Hugs and tears and pile-ups. The first Friendship Workshop (propheets) i went through was named the "pilky pilers" after this pileup. It had the same exercises as propheets, most of the same music even. Some songs i just really can't listen to anymore... Good think i never liked most of the shit... "tell it all brother" creeps me out so so much... (disclosure circle song)
Friendship workshop was the biggest mind-fuck of the whole bmark experience. I remember very little of the details, and i don't think it was because of the sleep deprivation. The things i remember... I'd rather not really.
exhausted:
--- Quote from: ""blownawaytheidahoway"" ---
?and by the time this rap was over, I had NO respect or desire left for this girl. Some part of me hated her for having to watch her be treated like that. There was ?something? she could do to make it stop. She had said as much, and even though I didn?t know what that ?something? was, I hated her for making me witness that series of ?indictments?.
--- End quote ---
This particular part stood out for me, i haven't been in a program btw, but I'm wondering why you hated her for the way she was being abused.....did you not hate her abusers for bringing her to that point where she'd say anything? This is not an attack on you as I can't possibly understand how it was for either of you at that moment, it is out of interest I am asking
If this is how therapy 'works' I hate to think what they did when they were into abuse - how did they think that turning you all against each other was going to help any of you 'heal'? You would have thought getting kids to help each other through their struggles would be far more productive as each one is in the same boat and feeling the same way about being sent away.
try another castle:
exhausted: you basically answered your own question. They turned us against each other. Kids enforced the rules with other kids. They could be just as cruel in raps as the faculty, even if they were your supposed friend. We judged others because of their weaknesses, and disclosures, and past. (or fictitious past.) and especially, if they didn't "get with the program." Granted, in any social gang, especially with teens, there is a pecking order, and there will always be omega dogs, and there were pecking orders in the peer groups for certain, but the program exploits this. Peer group raps were some of the worst for me, since I was the omega. I was terrified of them. Raps and the program exploit and nurture peer cruelty.
Ironically, the Brothers Keeper (Benchmark's Friendship propheet) exploits this the worst. We were literally turned on each other. Shoving exercises, the dreaded exclusion circle, humiliating "lugs" where we have to perform an embarrassing act that mocks our personal flaws, and do it repeatedly, while the rest of our peer group laughs at us. It was about anything BUT friendship.
I'm still amazed when I hear survivors say "Yeah, that place was fucked up, but I made some of the best friends of my life there." Are you fucking kidding me? What planet are you from? I would HOPE that your adult relationships are FAR more functional and fulfilling than the ones you had there.
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