Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Benchmark Young Adult School / Benchmark Transitions

Identity Overwritten

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psy:
This was the ending to my life's story (a writing assignment at Benchmark)


--- Quote from: ""Michael Crawford 1/22/02"" ---Somehow I think my parents knew that Benchmark was not really that much of a school but that is in the past and I don't know if I really care anymore.  I'm here and I know that I need this place.  I'm not entirely sure if for any ?one? reason alone but I do now that the way I have been living my life hasn't been working and I need to be shown a better way.
--- End quote ---


I have been typing up my journals from benchmark, which I have not read since written.  No emphasis added.  The underlines were there in the original.

Now can anybody say "mind fuck"!

This was written just after they first broke me.

I truly believed that shit when i wrote it....  ::bangin::  :silly:  ::puke::

psy:
This is part of an assignment entitled "Five year letter" in which i am supposed to write to myself as if i am writing from five years in the future:


--- Quote ---In the best of circumstances I'm living on my own, have a job that pays decently, and have some type of companionship.  I graduated Benchmark and got a job working for a software company.  I really can't be writing all this.  I feel like I'm blowing optimism out my ass.  In a more realistic future I'm even more screwed than now.  I'm probably in Jail for something really stupid or at best working at McDonalds for ninimum wage, living in low-income housing and having terrible trouble with crack-houses for neighbors.
--- End quote ---

From the assignment "Who Am I" from the same date:

--- Quote ---I don't even know anymore what I am really like Inside.  From as far as I can remember, everything has been a complete act
...
I am nobody and everybody.  I am nobody.  I am Unknown even to myself.
--- End quote ---

psy:
I was asked to write about a picture on the wall.  You know those corporate motivational posters with "teamwork" and "excellence"  etc.  I chose excellence.

--- Quote ---I strive for what in my mind is excellence and it has gotten me nowhere.  Perfecting my talents in manipulation.  I've tried so hard all these years to fool others that I've forgotton who I really am inside.
--- End quote ---

When they tell you you're lying and you just don't even know it... eventually you believe it after enough coersion.  The truth becomes a lie, and only the staff can help you find out who you really are.

I was asked to write about "What Identity Do I present to myself + others"


--- Quote ---I hide everything true if there is any of my true self left.
...
Right now I am trying to jam an emotional crowbar into my head in an attempt to recover what little actual self/individuality I have left.
--- End quote ---

journal entry


--- Quote ---I think I am starting to discover myself through this writing but I don't know what I am discovering or If I want to discover whatever I am.  In any case i think I've just scratched the surface of "nobody"
--- End quote ---


Yes.  I was referring to myself as "nobody" a blank identity the staff could help me figure out.

psy:

--- Quote from: ""TS Waygookin"" ---You worry to much. As staff I order you to get laid.
--- End quote ---


But mister staff sir?!?  That's against the no-sex aggreement...

blownawaytheidahoway:
It seems like Benchmark (isn't that where you are watching your team play but have rumbleseat and it gets a little out of hand before you get to stand up?)
is similar to my experience at CEDU. hang in there, it takes a little time. When I first found this forum I didn't fuck my girlfriend for weeks. I was really really shaken thinking about this shit again. I got some of the same advice that TSW gave...what's hard to keep in mind is how much touch and lack of touch or forced touch, or even the level of intimicy are all ingredients in creating wierdness afterwards. I could and probably do on other threads or in that fucking book, go on for volumes about the fallout from forced intimicy, and in my case having to SMOOSH with people who had been blowing me away in raps. I fucking wanted their hair balled up in my palm as I present the trophy to the house at morning light- the head of the last person that said some stupid out of touch shit to me in a rap.
In a dream of what reality should have been...that's NORMAL feelings...but then having to actually smoosh and hug them and tell them I love them...shit i hardly say to the people for whom I feel that- and then smooshing with them for over two years? Now that is the CEDU way?
 Did you have a lot of hugs and tears at benchmark?
-blownaway

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