I was the last one to stop running. I had to be restrained. I was going to run until I was dead. i was clear on their aim after two hours had passed. Almost all of us were still going.
Here is some shit straight outta my I an ME notebook.
If you don't like it, get the fuck out.
I graduated. All the bells and whistles and contracts, and fuzz in my teeth a few months before: here check it out: I AM working on those workshops. embarassing but 100% authentic:
The I and Me Workshop
I= Thinking
Me=Feeling
GIVE ME A VOICE!
We did an exercise today on the chairs. I worked a lot on feelings Crazy and Me went really deep into it. Me also feels really proud to make it to this point. I went third so it was really neat to watch other people work. I know Me is ready.
I think Rea is a great man he really touched me. He just did the exercise with himself and me was glad to be a part of it.
I did not think Me would feel good, but he does. He is also very sad about what I did to him.
Me just got back from spending the night on the floor. Me talked to a buch of people. It was a good time. Me spent time on the floor with REDACTED.
I am laying down the commitment right Now to go for broke in there. Also to really take advantage of this notebook. I will write a lot. I am not going to give it a number or anything but I will write. I will remember this workshop.
Anyway me is really sad me is just looking at the imagine picture and how innocent me really is a lot of the time I thinks me is bad and Always has been that way.
Me knows I wants to take over and tell me that Nobody loves me. Me knows this isn?t true. ----good night REDACTED
Me is in class right now and everyone is going so fast. Me wants to smoosh. He feels sensitive and playful.
I wish I didn?t have to be in class, I makes Me feel stupid in classes.
Me is in Gopmetry now studying angles and line segments. Me misses smooshing and going slow. I says speed up. Run, run run. Well me says FUCK I. YAY ME!
Well I am in my next math class and yes I mean I. Me feels fucking dumb. Me dislikes this class. I tells me he can?t do this and to give up. Sometimes Me believes I. Me feels for other people. Me really understands people too,
I hopes people struggle and don?t feel good. I tells Me that he doesn?t care. Me does care.
Dirt List
Give me a voice!
1. I made me make cracks in music with REDACTED and REDACTED.
2. I made me take too much coffee.
3. I listened to too much music on home visit.
4. I listened to 2 grageful dead songs and did not turn it off right away.
5. I did not talk to Randy or Nils on Home Visit.
6. I learned how to play beginning of unaccepable and play it. Make that crack with REDACTED.
7. I talked and passed notes in class with REDACTED. Geometry.
8. I remembers that he set off alarm in Challenge and died not get in trouble for it. Me know this is not true.
9. I wore sunglasses and knew it was wrong.
10. I?s Dorm had lights out late.
2nd I & Me session
Well,
I me we just did the I want to live fight againsht the pillows on a deeper level. Me feels like SHIT. I WON
or at least I tells Me that I won.
I tells me that I is bigger than me. Right Now Me believes it.
I is telling Me to run away.
I is telling Me BE alone.
Me down?t think.
I tells me Me doesn?t know what to do. Me quit.
Or at least I told me he quit.
Me needs to talk to another Me.
I tells me I has BEEN THERE LONGER THAN ME!
I am finishing eating brunch with REDACTED. I is in control there is nothing me can do. I think.
Me is scared. Me doesn?t know kwhat dto do. He is alone. I tells me he is alone. Tells me he is confused. I tells me to be scared. I or Me wants to talk to someone but noone is here that I know. I am even thinking of going to Caroline. Me knows she understands but thinks she doens?t trust or like me.
God I would like to call REDACTED and talk to her. Me knows __would help me. Maybe I would I would be allowed to call.
Me Really sees Rock Bottom and loves what he sees in others But I tells him that it is not inside of him
Randy is here maybe I or ame can go talk to him. I tells me that still NO one can understand.
I says I have always been here been here since you were a little fetus. Your mother made I you were I when mom found out she was pregnant you were a mistake. You should be a girl. You were supposed to be retarded. There is no Me you are I. AND there is not a damn thing you can do. Why do you think Ma did drugs while she was expecting you? Why do you think she wrote that book?
All these people keep going by and touchingme. I says me wishes they would leave me alone. That?s all I want LEAVE me in I. I is all thereI tells me that he doesn?t know what to do.
I tells me that there isn?t anything but I. Me believes it. It is holidays and me is miserable.
Me wonders if anyone understands this. Me feels so alone. I feel like I need a huge enema. {(talk for emotional release)}
-in the living room. (House)
Me still feels like shit. I AM ME I says.
I almost didn?t write. I says me needs help.
Fuck the lingo for a second. I feel so fucked. I don?t know what to do.
I says leave the school, get stoned, you suck at sports, you don?t write neat enough. You won?tbe able to graduate because ou don?t deserve it because you are a fruitcake you can?t be at this school because this is for Me?es. You don?t have a ME. Me DEAD. Me never lived and Me never will.
I has control. He says I?m numb so I am or Me is. I says DON?T look at your Imagine picture so Me doesn?t. NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND THIS.
That is about the first twenty pages of my IandMe journal. I did it all. and the summit I don't know if i'll include in the book. PM me about that.
Funny you're the second person to indicate to me today that I musnt've graduated. I did. I'm just pissed for DIFFERENT reasons.
One of the funniest things was that my main counselor at the time used to comment: Blown, you are fifteen years old and you hold a grudge longer than anyone I've ever known."
They had fair warning, in all fairness. Even as an older student I did NOT stop bitching about being there, the perceived injustices, and the wrongs that had been done to me there. I ran my anger at Caroline. Frequently. I stayed in agreement, mindfucked myself into the program while resisting it the whole time.
Hadn't you ever noticed that they school always shook up the older students A LOT before the IandME and summit. Kids left under unusal and unexpected circumstances during those periods. It was always mysterious when one of your older brothers got kicked out during an experience you just knew you were going to go through in a year. I mean if you've made it that far, it's gotta be pretty bad.
Fear not Castle, the Iandme is half done, and the John lennon songs play frequently in my head, now, as a result.
That part during "god" when he says "I was the walrus, but now I'm John" makes me moan every time. I'm already in tears at this point, usually. Yes. I did it all, my friend, and I want it all to be as truthful, and accurate as the rest of my bullshit that I've written is. Stick around for a while this time you geek.
one
-blownaway
