I especially like the way this "step" was twisted and manipulated so that we could cut away all those persons from our lives who, in the Seed's twisted philosophy, had somehow managed to lead us down the path where we end up at the seed. I serously doubt anyone was physically held down and forced to consume drugs or adopt the fearsome druggie attitude. Perhaps that are some who were victims of abuse, but by and large, that was not the general experience. Meanwhile, at the Seed, people actually were held down and forced to adopt the seed attitude.
I just think it's really weird how we could all stand up and recite this shit and yet be such hurtful, vengeful people to everyone we knew BEFORE The Seed. That was perfectly okay and was reinforced by the group. God, I was such an asshole when I was in the Seed.
Who out there EVER went back an apologized to their old friends for anything you ever did to them before you were in The Seed while you were on the program? I never did. I'll bet there's very few who did - afterall, that would mean, god forbid, having to actually speak to your old friends.
I remember having this dilemma very well and I believe I was able to convice myself not to make the amends - I think I knew that would be too dangerous, not in terms of my "sobriety" but in terms of being stoodup and yelled at for having contact with druggies.
Yeah, as if you would NOT have been stood up in group for going back to your old friends and saying "I'm sorry I was an asshole to you when I did .... " I can see that (c)rap running over the poor innocent kid who made that admission like a big fucking tank.
Does anyone ever recall someone actually making a public admission about making amends to old friends during one of these rule raps? What was the result? What was the group response? Rap leader response?
What I recall most about this "STEP" was the emphasis on NOT making amends because it would be hurtful or would not be safe for my "straightness," and (continuing the justifications) I had to put myself first and be selfish and do the right thing for myself and then the right things would happen and the world would be better because my old druggie friends would see I was living a better life and then they would want a better life, too and they would come to The Seed and blah, blah, blah.
We told each other in the rap lingo that it would be hurtful to "them" and ourselves, but in reality, I think it would have been much more hurtful to my psyche to experience the rage of the group for making the contact in the first place. That's what guided me when I was navigating the steps. What a fucking mental mine field.