I rarely post on this forum, but I do keep a close eye on it. But, I've been reading this thread, and need to say that my father has his head so far up his ass on Straight that I don't think he'll ever see the light of day.
I actually searched out this and Wes Fager's site after my father talked about how great he thought Straight was for me. That was last July 4th. On the drive home after a long silence, I said to my wife, "Dad's full of shit." And the weirdest sensation went over me. "Full of shit." A wave of memories from Straight. I had always retained some limited memory, but over the passing of 15 years I had put some things away, so to speak. They were all coming back. My wife drove, and I told her stories, intermitently crying and yelling. She just drove with tears streaming down her face.
July 5th rolled around, and she asked what I was going to do about all this. I did a Google search and found websites. My wife and I read through them, and she observed that they explained much, my insomnia, nightmares, temper, insecurity, paranoia, and (that totally fucked-up straightling word) "awfulizing." (My step-mother constantly uses that word. After I pointed out to my wife that it was straight-speak, we agreed to strike it from our collective vocabulary.)
My wife comes and hugs me now, when she notices that it's 3:00am and I'm not sleeping. She never had given it any thought before. If she notices that I'm having a nightmare, she wakes me, takes me to look at our kids sleeping, and whispers "they're what's real to you now." When I am assuming that things are going to turn out shitty, she reminds me to have faith saying, "they can't hurt you anymore." She lets me sleep with a light on. I couldn't be more blessed than to have her be understanding the way she has been.
My dad. I love him, but we're not close. My kids love him, but they sense my tension when we are around him. But fuck him. We have a surface relationship - my wife and I do the obligatory crap. He doesn't really know who I am anymore and hasn't for some time. I don't rely on him for identity or esteem anymore. That makes me sad - that I could really give less than a shit that we aren't close. I wish it were another way, but it's not and probably won't be. That reality predates my entering Straight, but the fact of the matter is, my being in Straight was one of his deepest abandonments of me, his son. Sadly, I doubt that I will ever reconcile that feeling. I was pissed off righteously for what seemed like an eternity, and now I just feel sad. Sad that I would just say "fuck him," but hey, "FUCK HIM."
I recently have really hurt his feelings. I'm about to graduate from seminary and be ordained as a minister in the Episcopal Church. Neither he nor his wife are getting one of the limited tickets to my graduation, nor am I asking him to present me for ordination. He told me that he felt "disappointed." Guess what I thought? That's right let's say it all together now - "FUCK HIM." I told him that the people who helped to put my life right were the ones I asked to participate in these huge events in my life. I guess I am still pissed-off, but mostly I am sad that my first response to my dad is ... well you know what it is.
Anyway. Thanks for being so patient with my rant.
I pray we all find peace somehow, someway.
your brother,
Michael Cadaret
