The only thing I can say, is that there are people that I have hurt in my lifetime that didn't deserve it. I think what I'm going to say might be a complete shock to people, but I think it's important that I say it.
My parents for their own reasons made the decision to send me away at the age of 12. By the time I was 16 I was so burnt out on placements, that I was on the verge of ending my own life. I actually had attempted it a few times. Anyway, Bob Lichfield was one of the few people that tried to make life better for me. He went out of his way to give me more privelages then the other girls such as having staff take me to ride his horses in my freetime. I think he did so because he actually felt bad for me. He even took time out of his hectic life to talk to me about my situation, and he didn't have to. It wasn't his job. I had a therapist. But, he felt sorry for me.
Well, it was never enough for me. What I wanted was complete freedom, and release. He couldn't make that happen, only my parents could. I even went as far as to try and blackmail him. I told him if he didn't get my parents to let me go that I would tell them he was molesting me. I took it way too far. I literally convinced myself of this because I had to come across as the victim. I needed to play the part, and win an award for it. Because, if I didn't it meant I had to stay in placements until I was 18. BTW, that part came easy to me since I had been abused by men since the day I entered this world.
I hadn't revisted any of these memories till 2 years ago when I came across Fornits. I looked back at those times, and remembered being the victim. I told the same story as I did back then. In every other part of my life I had come so far, except for my memories of CCM. I never really took a good look at what happened to me there, and seperated the fact from fiction until about a year ago. That's when you started to see a complete change in my posts.
I find it a little bizarre, as I am sure you do too! How I could be the person I have been for the last 10 years atleast, the type of person who is honest, and does not hurt people as she once did. But, not come out and be a 100% honest about my relationship with Bob Lichfield? I couldn't tell you why. I think it's because I forced myself at that young age to believe my own lies and then never took the time to correct my brain until now.
If you think I am the only one who did such things you are wrong. But, I may be one of only a few that has the strength to come out, and set things straight, and admit I was wrong. I'm not saying that all kids who claim they were abused are liars. I am absolutely not saying that whatsover. But, there are kids who were in similiar situations such as myself that made false accusations to try and gain freedom.
I think I was nervous to come out and admit to people what I did, especially being this is such an open public forum. So I started becoming more sympathetic to people such as Narvin. I was more open to hearing both sides of the story, and NOT judging them until then.
I realize that if Bob wanted to come after me for the things I have said about him, he could. But, I highly doubt he will. Bigger fish to fry, and the fact he probably understandsand and forgives me for what I did. He's been in this business a long time, I wasn't the first to say such things, I will not be the last.
It's pretty safe to assume that by setting the record straight here, that I will be attacked, called a bunch of names, and told what I horrible person I am blah, blah, blah!!!! But, I really could care less. I know what I'm doing is the right thing.