Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > World Wide Association of Specialty Programs and Schools (WWASPS)

guilty feelings

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Anonymous:
SO I was talking to an old freind from CCM who graduated a while after me and she reminded me of what a horrible person I became there. I put together a "process" for her where I shoved needles and old drug paraphanalia her parents sent our therapist in her face and screamed at her and said the most sickening and awful stuff to her. I had totally forgotten about that and I keep remembering what a sadistic mean judgemntal holier than thou person I was then. I feel so sick to my stomach about it and so guilty. Does anyone else feel that way? I cant seem to stop thinking about it, and if anything it makes me more bitter and angry about being forced to go there. I feel like there is little I can do Karmicly speaking to make up for how horrible I was to not only the people there, but my family and friends when I went home. I searched one of my cousins rooms and found a baggie with some seeds in it and told his parents. Needless to say even after numerous apologies and reasurances and five years, our relationship has never been the same. I told on one of my friends from the program who relapsed when she came home to her mom. I avoided a "D" friend I saw on the street by walking across the street and passing her and then crossing again right in front of her. I feel like CCM took so much away from me, not only the time I spent there, but the years I spent afterwards being an obsessive, fearful, judgemental person pushing people away from me and missing out on SO MUCH! Anyway, Im sorry to ramble on, I just needed to get that off my chest.

Fr. Cassian:
You were only doing what was needed to keep those people Straight...there is NOTHING whatsoever to feel the least bit guilty about!

Fr. Cassian:
You were only doing what was needed to keep those people Straight...there is NOTHING whatsoever to feel the least bit guilty about!

Anonymous:
You were just a kid. I am sure you were told that you were saving them from themselves. I am sure some other kid was as mean to you in the "therapy" sessions as you became.
At the end of the day some of these people may forgive you, you friend obviously did, as she came to see you. Those that don't don't. I want you to forgive yourself. You no longer do these things to people as you now are able to see things differently.

Deborah:
One of the wonderful services Fornits provides for survivors is a place to get it off their chest. Sorry they wasted so much of your precious time.

As for your guilt, what would need to happen for you to feel resovled? Can you make it happen?
Have you talked to any of the people you mentioned? Do they hold resentment?

If you're up for it... you might contact them and give them the opportunity to 'get it off their chests'. You'd be wise to be prepared for some harsh words, probably equivalent to the degree of guilt (shame?) you feel. Given that you were the 'perptrator' so to speak, they probably won't have ears to hear about your guilt/shame, for a while anyway.

Realizing my relationship with my younger sister had hit a log jam due to her long-standing resentments (that eeked out as jokes), I offered to listen to all her resentments about the past. She was reluctant at first. It was uncomfortable, but we both learned a lot in the process. In the end, there was no 'forgiving' to do. Many hours later, we both realized that we were kids and each reacted differently to the same environment. We better understood what motivated the other at the time. We were kids, doin the best we could. Childhood- The proving ground. We survived!!!

Guilt can work in a positive way.
Shame kills.  :skull:

The truth is, many people would do the same thing under the same circumstances. Kudos, for figuring it out!!

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