Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Seed Discussion Forum

damaged beyond repair

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GregFL:
I think, Shanlea, that something you said rings very true with some parents, and that is they are much better equipped to deal with denial then guilt.

Sometimes however, for our own good, our own validation, and to define our own boundaries, the topic must be broached with our parents. It is NOT healthy to let them perpetuate the lie that we were worthless dying fuckups that deserved a brain washing in order to save us.

The problem arises when we get stuck in the conflict of it.

I believe we MUST state our case to our parents if we want this dealt with effectively, but  when do we need to  deal with the issues in a way where we don't confront them mostly emotionally, but instead we confront them mostly intellectually, and then once the case is stated and the boundary is set, we hold the boundary only when necessary.  Your parents do not need to hear about this everytime you talk to them or at every family gathering.  It will only further divide you and them.

Also, don't go to them seeking emotional comfort over what happened, do it in order to validate what you know is true and to set the record straight (so to speak). Chances are they will betray you again emotionally if you ask for complete understanding. They, as Shanlea pointed out, are embracing denial in order to protect themselves from the horrifying reality that they may be responsible for   a defining negative event in your life.  Countless people, including me, have elicited apologies only to have our parents quip behind our backs that they needed to do commit us to save our lives and then to further justify what happened by denying any knowledge of abuse.  I know better but guess what?  I really don't care.  I have gained the upper hand in the conversation because I have prepared myself with logical arguments and facts and mostly abandoned the emotional teenage argument that ALWAYS failed when I brought it to my father.  He is stuck in the emotional argument and we have an understanding now that would never have been possible had I remained stuck there as well.

 
The urban legends don't just fall over and die when confronted with the truth, they tend to perpetuate in that environment of guilt and denial your parents have embraced.

So, I think if you don't want to feel betrayed again, or over and over again, I want you to prepare yourself to approach the topic with your parents without accusing them, without being overly emotional, and be prepared to argue your points with calm facts, not from the perspective of a teenager.


Also, prepare yourself for the possible train wreck that may ensue.  They may get pissed, they may refuse to discuss, they may do any number of things that you don't expect or appreciate.  

Remember, the real reason  you should  do this is to set the boundary....no longer will you let them define who you were in negative terms before they commmitted you to the program..no longer will you let them say they  saved or helped you, that you were doomed and needed that "therapy".  You know the truth, and you want them to understand exactly how you feel, and more importantly, why.

Good luck to any and all that go down this path.

shanlea:
Yes, I absolutely concur that you should not deny what happened or you may feel powerless over what happened to you.  When I discussed this with my Mom, I told her logically, factually, and assertively what happened.  I did not over emote.  I did not blame.  (Really, she thought she was sending me to a bucolic boarding school that would give me all the self esteem I didn't have.  The brochure looked good, and she was referred by a kindly pastor/counselor who never visited the place.)  She was the one who had an emotional reaction, but to her credit, she did not deny my experience. In fact, she admitted she sent me there because SHE was unequipped to parent--at that time, she just needed me gone. It did set a tense tone for the remainder of her visit, but I got it out and said what I always wanted to say, and I don't have to pretend the place did any good at all anymore. And I'm okay with the fact she had trouble coping with the info, so I don't need to shove it down her throat.  Having said that, I would be right pissed if she denied my experience and said it saved me. But she didn't.  

But what Greg said about keeping calm and stating the facts, not letting anyone bulldoze you, but also maintaining emotional control is true.  It's just that it takes time to do that--it's hard to discuss what happened intellectually when it fucked you over so bad emotionally.

GregFL:
:tup:

NOT12NOW:
Damn,  I just spent a half hour writing a reply only to have it lost in cyberspace and now I am all rung out.

Thank you both of you for your comments I'll reply a bit later when I have time again.

Stripe:
Here's how I did it...and am still doing it...

Prefacing the conversation with an acknowledgment that their decision was based only on the information made available to them in 1973, I kept my statements factually oriented as to the experience then tried to keep the focus of the conversation in the present.  Doing this helped me to explain to my parents how hurtful, in the longterm, the seed experience was for me - because I could give them present-life examples of where application and use of the seed philosopy had damaged me.  I was in there in 1973 and I did not have this conversation with them until December of 2004.  That's a long time to keep trying to embrace a lie, but try like hell I did.

Of course, over this past year I have dealt with a flood of emotions as a result of confronting the seed experience.  These have included fear, anger, and shame - as well as joy.  It was hard to confront my life choices and see where it went wrong: I was angry about the lies I was told about myself (that I was worthless, addicted, would never amount to anything etc., etc>).  Until just recently, I had felt such a sense of shame over the entire event.  Shame for accepting the punishment, shame for hurting others, and shame for hurting myself trying to believe and embrace the lies foisted on me by the seed as my own personal truth.  

Forgivenss is not easy, but I found it easier to think rationally and less emotionally about the experience only after I forgave myself for my participation in it> I had to forgive myself for not speaking up about the lies that were perpetuated about me by the program and the lies that were perpetrated by me by my own words - I never did the things I admitted to, but I had to say those things to be left alone, to be able to sit down, to move to the next phase and to get out.

Sure, it's fine for a drug addict to premise their life on powerlessness and addiction, but if you are not powerless and are not an addict, it's a false premise.  As I have found out, no matter what I did in life, so long as I believed I was powerless, I never ever felt I was deserving of the success or rewards that were the result of all my hard work. All that I acheived I have felt was a sham - at least up until this past year.  This past year has been harder and better than any year of my life.

It's definitely hard when you change the way you look at the world - when you switch the paradigm.  It's easier said than done. And it's harder still when your family and those closest to you still have you type-cast as something else and your change screws up their world. That sounds like what you have expericenced.  But they will eventually, come to accept you.  They may not believe what you tell them about your experience, but they will see the results in your life that come from speaking your truth.  Just try as best as you can to stay true to your heart.  It will not be easy, but your heart will be lighter than it has ever been before - I'm pretty sure of that.

PM me if you have more questions. I'd be glad to share some of my personal experience with you but not in the public fourm discussion.

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