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damaged beyond repair

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Anonymous:
I just returned from a trip to see my family where dynamics and a conversation about the seed, in which I struggled to get my mom to hear me say that I do indeed know that she didn't know what to do with me, so she might possibly hear what a scam the seed was, did me in.

I never mean to talk about that stuff. I know it's pointless but sometimes it just happens like a sore I can't stop picking at.  On the car ride home I became increasingly sensitive, irritable and couldn't stop obsessing on the conversation. Now that I am home I feel worthless and hopeless.  I  know I'll feel better in a few days but I have to keep thousands of miles away from my family to feel I am whole.  And that in itself makes me feel weak, hollow, broken.


Will this ever be over for good?

NOT12NOW:
Oops, didn't mean to post anon.

GregFL:
Gosh, I just don't know.  This subject divides many families to the point they dont get along, hence my statement that the seed tears families apart.

I think, for me, it was very important that my family understood my position, and that I can back up my position way beyond any of their naked assertions such as "however you would be dead..we saved your life" or shit like that.

However, once they understand that you arent with the program anymore and that you aren't intimidated by their statements about you as a 12 year old and that you won't be bullied into accepting the warped premises they present as justification, it is probably time to let the topic die a natural death.  Don't force them to agree with you or you will just build resentment.  Don't let them do the same to you. State your case as unemotionally and as intellectually as you can, and smile and move off the topic.  Only discuss it from then on out when they challenge your closely held beliefs about what happened, and do it again..unemotionally as you can.

This works for me.

GregFL:
And my dear friend, you are neither worthless or hopeless. Nor are you alone in this difficulty. It is common with adults who went thru these programs.  The experience becomes a dividing point in the family.  Don't beat yourself up over it, and try not to beat your mom up for not seeing your side.

shanlea:
It's interesting you bring this up.  I came to this site over a year ago in an attempt to make sense of that part of my life (I went to CEDU).  It validated everything I ever felt about CEDU, and I was happy I found people who could relate.  (I split the program, so I was cut off from former peers and could not discuss it with "civilians"--they simply could not understand.)  I am a very sensitive person, so even though I knew CEDU was fucked, it affected me deeply.  And it was the one topic I could never address with my parents. In fact, my CEDU experience was made worse by the fact I could never talk about it.

I am extremely close to my Mom and consider her my favorite person, bar none, to be around. I can also talk to her about anything... except CEDU.   One night last summer, we went out to dinner and I told her exactly what happened there. I didn't blame her at all--she had no idea, but I told her everything.  And she resented the hell out of it.  She was pissed. She didn't dispute anything I said, but she resented the messenger and not the school.   It was years ago, and since we are so close, I think she resented that I had to remove any illusion she had about the place. It was another way she felt she failed me. And I think she just wished I would just shut the hell up about something that can't be changed, since it occurred over 15 years ago. we weren't close in any ways, I would be angry.

But also, I think there is only so much guilt a person can take.  She already felt extremely guilty for many things, like not protecting me better, and to find out the place she sent me to in order to help me only exacerbated my sense of isolation made it worse. So I forgive her for it, and know it's one of those things in life you just can't understand unless you've been through it--like depression, rape, or heck, even parenthood.  

Being older and having gone through a lot, and now, being a mother of two small boys, I can only hope I can give them what they need to feel safe and loved in this world.  That I never have an overriding sense of guilt, like my mothers', that I didn't protect them enough. I remember when I had boys being grateful that I didn't have to worry about protecting a little girl from some of the things I went through. Though logically I know this doesn't make much sense.  All children are vulnerable.

At any rate, I know that pain of guilt is  powerful and your family may be better equipped to deal with denial than guilt.  Most of us are.

What happened happened, and there are ways to cope better, but it will always be woven into your psyche.

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