Not sure if I'm commin' or goin'...

[starry-eyed pirate]

I'm beginning to wonder...if I can continue to hang here...

...I kinda feel like str8 is all around me again.  I mean 7 months ago, before I found this forum I only knew one survivor and he had been a good friend of mine since our time together in the program.  But we live 800 miles apart and didn't talk all that often, occasionally writing letters and such.  Now I communicate with people from str8 every day.  I wonder if this is good for me or not.

I mean this forum has been really great for me in some ways and I think I've been able to contribute something worthwhile here but I just have a sort of an uncomfortable feeling that I really won't be able to continue to heal until I get some distance from str8.  In the past I went years without talkin' to another survivor.  I don't live near any of the ol' str8 sites.  I don't want to forget about str8 or leave the struggle but I am feeling that every time I turn around there is someone with a connection to str8 who wants to talk to me or talk about str8.  Str8 is once again becoming the main influence in my life and I don't think I want to live like that.  I don't know... I feel kinda torn down the middle.

I'm not sayin goodbye, there are issues and people I care too much about to just walk away, but I think I may need to lay low for a while, get some distance 'n' all.  I haven't read a book since I discovered this site and I used to read every day.

I don't know how to heal these wounds.  I need people who understand and I want to help others by providing my own understanding but right now I feel kinda boxed in and I gotta breathe. Not sure if I'm commin' or goin'

My heart is with all of you.

[Anonymous]

::rainbow::  ::rainbow::  ::hatter::

[Anonymous]

I think we all feel that way to some degree or another.  That's why you'll see people float in and out of here.  We seem to need the break for a while and then can come back.  

You have contributed many worthwhile posts here.  You also make killer coffee tables and great dinners and even better company.  Still loving the Fiestaware!   :smile:

[fedelta_a_verita]

[ This Message was edited by: fedelta_a_verita on 2006-01-03 07:47 ]

[infanalyst]

Hey TE,

I know exactly what you mean. Although, I think having the opportunity to sit back, have a beer (or two), and twist one up with people we knew back then was rather therapeutic. Most likely more therapeutic than coming to this site several times a day!

I found this site back about 3+ years ago, and was a wreck at the time. I had to take off from the site for around a year just to help me remember that $traight was something which happened a long time ago to me and is NOT a current part of my life. Not to mention there are many people here who are still angry/rageful after all of these years, and then of course you have the trolls.

Personally, I prefer to be a happy person, so I had to remember that I am the one who chooses where my life goes, at least for now. $traight may have had a tremendous influence on my life and on my behavior patterns, but ultimately it is me who decides where I am going to go in life. Nobody else. I think people in general don't want to take responsibility for their own lives. It's much easier to lay the blame on someone else and forget that most things which happen to us are a result of our own actions.

I want you to know that I am supportive of you and wish for you to experience some of the happiness which you greatly deserve. Regardless of whether you choose to stick around here or not, I'm sure most people here understand your "feelings" and wish you only the best.

Thanks again for all of your postings and I do hope your $traight memories will start to become just that, memories. Perhaps if you just force yourself to start reading again everyday like you used to and get into your old routine you won't feel like $traight is all around you any longer. Just my two cents. Hope you feel better soon.

Aloha to you bro,

[starry-eyed pirate]

"Mr Pirate"...??  That's funny...no-one's ever called me Mr. Pirate before...

On 2005-12-28 13:21:00, fedelta_a_verita wrote:

"Mr. Pirate:    ...we are forever linked by our incarceration.... No matter where you go or how old you get or how far in the past you are able to put the program we are all of us connected. Liking the other people, or having to have the same reactions are not  requirements for membership, we are automatically in the club by virtue of our shared experience.
   
...we are lucky to have this outlet."

I agree

[fedelta_a_verita]

[ This Message was edited by: fedelta_a_verita on 2006-01-03 07:48 ]

[starry-eyed pirate]

Thanks anon a couple of posts up, I know who you are. :smile:  

Thanx(mahalla, is that the correct word for thank-you in Hawaiian ??) Brent too.  I was just thinkin' I hadn't seen you around in a while. I hope ever't'in is cool with you on those beautiful islands out in the middle of the great Pacific Ocean.

Peace.

[starry-eyed pirate]

On 2005-12-28 13:51:00, fedelta_a_verita wrote:

"Ms. Pirate did not seem appropriate. "

Aah ha ha ha  :lol:

[dragonfly]

[Antigen]

Man, I hope so! I see "Jesus is coming!" and "Jesus Loves You" around here so much I think maybe Jesus is stalking me! So I sure hope he wraps that raskal in case I can't beat him down or outrun him! The cops will be no help at all, I'm sure. "Please help me, Jesus is chasing me [click]..... hello..... hello....."

"One commentator pointed out that when the mafia commits violence, no
one suggests we bomb Sicily.  Today it seems we are, in a symbolic way, not only bombing "Sicily," but are thinking about bombing "Athens" (Iraq)."

http://www.house.gov/paul/congrec/congrec2001/cr112901.htm' target='_new'>Ron Paul, 11/29/01 Speech before Congress

[Anonymous]

On 2005-12-28 16:16:00, Antigen wrote:

"Man, I hope so! I see "Jesus is coming!" and "Jesus Loves You" around here so much I think maybe Jesus is stalking me! So I sure hope he wraps that raskal in case I can't beat him down or outrun him! The cops will be no help at all, I'm sure. "Please help me, Jesus is chasing me [click]..... hello..... hello....."
<

 :lol:  :lol:

[Woof-a-Doof]

I'm not sayin goodbye, there are issues and people I care too much about to just walk away, but I think I may need to lay low for a while, get some distance 'n' all.  I haven't read a book since I discovered this site and I used to read every day.

I think I understand exactly how you feel. Before I started coming here, I used to create 20-25 hours a week. I would paint, carve, sculpt, just about anything to satisfy this urge to create. I used to volunter in our neighborhood famuly center and do many other things.

I am not fully convinced that fornits, or rumaging thru my past has anything to do with my less than creative state of late. As far as my art is concerned I know there is a cycle of create->rest->create->rest...Now sometimes these rest periods can last as long as 2 months. But this last "rest" period has lasted longer than any other time that I can recall...And it just so happens it has been from about thte time I started freqenting this forum.

Now when I sit to create, I find myself just going thru the motions...kind of just maintaing the skill level, but nothing is really free flowing.

The following image is one of my recent attempts at trying to jump start my creative juices...too me it is just flat...without conviction. I wonder if I spend less time thinking about the past and people who experienced the same atrocity as I, is as good for me as I once suspected.

[dragonfly]

[Antigen]

Hey, Pirate. Just think of this as your favorite biker bar.

"Come in the evening, or come in the morning; Come when you're looked for, or come without warning."
-- Thomas O. Davis (1814-1845): The Welcome.

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
--Editor of the Limerick Times
(Limerick, Ireland)