After the family dinner and presents scene, My Mom was helping put stuff away and pack-up a "to go" bag, for me of turkey/ham etc...So I started talking matter-of-factly about Straight, just a little.. For the first time in 20 years, she atleast pretended to listen and she musta heard some of it, because she finally said, "I guess you blame me". I said, "no, I don't blame you for the abuse and treatment of us all there, and I realize true information was not readily available then. And I know you didn't intend on placing me in the hands of brain-washers and abusers. But you did make an ill-informed choice to put me there and now I am dealing with a whole host of after effects, I just want you to be aware of this and be patient with me when we disagree on things, or when I am not living up to your expectations. I want you to understand there are thousands of people just like me out there, all suffering from this "after-Straight Dis-ease". I had a horrific time while I was there."
We talked about what "Day Zero" meant (she did say she knew I was on something called day-zero all that time, but never really knew what that meant for me, she just knew I wouldnt be comming home till I was off that). We touched on being restrained almost everyday and how many children are still dying in these places from those types of restraint. We talked about laws and how they could change to protect kids and their parents. I asked if she had any intake- information or old documents, would she please give them to us. She says she will look in the old files-she keeps. And she agrees, she didn't investigate too much into Straight before leaving me there. She assumed it was safe (she saw it on TV, Princess Dianne had just been there, The president was behind it.."People she believed in")-->> since they shoved all the propaganda at her. She agrees, she could have done a more through check on the program, but says she just didn't know to be cautious. She had no idea there were people like that who would do these things to children. She did admitt the no communication with anyone outside the program seemed a little odd/cultish. But,She says she didn't know what else to do, and admitted she only sent me there because I didn't come home much and she worried about me. She suspected drugs(because that is what school tried to say it must be), but realizes now that was not the problem (But yet again Straight lied to her, and said I must be a drug addict and just hiding it well or I was a "dry druggie", but certianly w/o the program I would die from drugs, soon). She agrees now, looking back, a "drug rehab" of any sort was not the best choice. She was lied to and mis-led.
All in all it was a very non-emotional, non-blaming talk. It was brief 30 minutes or so, but a huge relief for me. It was the first time we have ever discussed it, except the few times we have had Family-war over it. It was a decent discussion. The most important part is, I don't feel like I have all this stuff to tell them all at once now. I have opened the door, allowed her to see this can be an adult conversation and without hate or blame. Which means she will hear more of what I have to say, and more often. And I learned I don't have to slam it all in her face at once, I can say the parts I need her to hear- a little at a time. In the end, we will both be better off.
My next talk with her will be, How did I get out! Why did they come pick me up that night, with out giving me a reason all these years. I am going to just come out and ask, in a non threatening way. I think I will tell her some of what happened to me there each time we talk about it. I've tried to tell my family this stuff before, but it always ended extremely baddly and my specific experiences (Stuff I went through while in Straight) always got lost in the arguement. The few times I tried to tell them and we ended in a fight, We didn't speak for months and once for over 3 years. SO this was a big breakthrough. And you know, I bet my Mom is relieved I don't blame her. That may have been the best gift I could have given her. Maybe she has been wanting to tell me how she was mis-led after all these years.
I still can't believe she listened, atleast some! That's a huge step for me and my parents. And no one got angry and left or kicked the other out or yelled and screamed blame. No one called the police! It was nice.
