What's really freaky to come to realize is: Not everyone is fully aware of themselves, others, and the enviroment. I mean, I am, I always have been(since Straight). I honestly thought ALL people were that way, and I have expectations on them to be so. So, especially in relationships, I am kinda so hyper-sensitive, it's difficult to function natrually. I am constantly saying things like; "you are so oblivious." Which usually they respond with something like; "So? Is there something wrong with that?"
Well HELL YES, in my world it is wrong. You should be fully focused on everything - all the time. And if you aren't, you are sub-par, Multi-task damn it! Be aware! Of Everything! Then I try to explain why they should be super-aware and start to investigate for emotions they are "hiding". Then encourage them to search themselves for residual thoughts or feelings. So it turns into an investigation into their brain. Bleh~! I don't wanna read minds!
Now, to realize all people aren't as compulsive as I am about awareness of self especially, is very traumatic. See I have been wasting so much energy just staying aware of the whole entire world around me, I have not been able to be free and just live. This is where my depressive episodes begin, The awareness affliction we all have. I am so gawd damn tired of Having to constantly be aware of every single little thing. I want it to stop! I just wanna live, with good understanding of the world and awareness enough to protect myself. That's it! I don't want to analyze everything inside my brain or everything other people say or do or type. I just don't wanna, anymore.
So, I have been tuning out! Taking breaks from thinking, and just re-learning to trust my instincts and the universe will take care of the rest.
