dirty joke thread

[Fire Swamp]

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

[Fire Swamp]

Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."

[Fire Swamp]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".  :lol:

[Fire Swamp]

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We?ll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"  :rofl:

[Fire Swamp]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

[Fire Swamp]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.  :lol:  :lol:

[Anonymous]

Flat Tummy
>
> A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his
mom on top of
his
> dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and
quickly dismounts,
> worried about what her son has seen. She dresses
quickly and goes to
find
> him.
>
> The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and
Dad doing?"
>
> The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big
tummy and
sometimes
> I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
>
> "You're wasting your time," said the boy.
>
> "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
>
> "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes
over and gets on
her
> knees and blows it right back up."
>

[Jeff_Berryman]

A New York City Bartender develops an allergy to city smog and his doctor tells him to move west for his health.  He gets on a train and rides west until he runs out of money and gets out in a sleepy little town in New Mexico.  He walks into the saloon and gets hired on the spot.  

Then about ten minutes later a guy comes riding into town as hard as he can ride, almost killing his horse right out from under him.  He stands up in his stirrups and yells ?BIG JOE?S COMIN?!?  All up and down the street people start screaming ?BIG JOE?S COMIN?!?   The owner of the saloon yells ?BIG JOE?S COMIN?!? and the place is empty in a heartbeat.  The entire population of the town jump into their cars, jump on their horses, and ride and drive for dear life.

The owner turns to the newly arrived bartender and says ?I gotta get out of here, but you, DON?T LEAVE THE BAR!?  And he jumps into his pickup and heads out, leaving the bartender alone in an abandoned town.

A few minutes the bartender hears STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! Coming closer and closer.   The ground shakes, the building shakes, and someone kicks the saloon door to splinters and walks in.  He?s nine feet tall and five feet wide and he weighs at least three thousand pounds.  He walks up to the bar and smashes it with a fist the size of a keg.

?GIMME A GALLON O? GRAIN ALCOHOL!? he demands.  

The bartender puts the jug on the wreckage of the bar and the giant upends it.  He gulps down a gallon of 200 proof in one go, then crushes the jug, tosses the glass in his mouth, chews it up and swallows it.

?HOW MUCH?? he inquires.

?Oh, it?s on the house,? the bartender assures him.  Want another one??

?HELL NO.  I GOTTA RUN.  BIG JOE?S COMIN?!?

[Jeff_Berryman]

A French Foreign Legion unit in Africa gets a new commanding office, a young Captain just out of the Academy with no field experience.  The Sergeant is an old veteran of forty years in the Legion.  The first thing the young firebrand does is announce that the unit is too soft, and that they are going on six weeks of maneuvers in the desert.

?We will do this under wartime conditions,? he tells the Sergeant.  ?We will take nothing with us that we can not carry on our backs.?

?Well sir,? The Sergeant says, ?In my experience it?s always best to take at least one camel.?  

?A camel?  Absolutely not!  No unnecessary baggage!? The Captain raps.

The Sergeant replies, ?Ah, sir, it?s not for baggage.  It?s for morale purposes.  It?s - ah - so the men can get some sex.?

?WHAT?  That?s the most disgusting thing I?ve ever heard in my life!  How dare you make such a suggestion!  GET OUT OF MY TENT THIS INSTANT!?  

So the unit goes on maneuvers and camps in the desert for about a month.  Then the Captain calls the Sergeant to his tent.  ?I?ve noticed something,? he says.   ?The men aren?t fighting.  Morale is good. At the academy they told me the men would be at each other?s throats by now, and we?d have to add saltpeter t their food to prevent mutiny.   Admit it Sergeant, you brought a camel, didn?t you??

The Sergeant sighed.  ?Sir, I?ve been in the legion for forty years, and I?ve learned that there are some things that they just don?t teach in classrooms.  It was for the good of the outfit.  

The Captain says, ?Well, I?m beginning to understand what you mean.  It?s been a long time for me too.  Where is this camel??

?The oasis about a quarter of a mile down the road, sir.?

So they walk down to a little copse of palm trees with a water hole and enough grass to keep a camel alive.  The camel is there, staked out on a long rope so that it can graze.  

?It has been a long time,? the Captain says.  ?Turn your back, Sergeant.?  And he proceeds to have carnal knowledge of the camel.  When he gets finished, the Sergeant is staring at him bug-eyed.  ?YOU PEEKED!?  The Captain cries.

The Sergeant says,  ?Sir, in forty years of service from Indochina to Algeria, I have NEVER seen anything like that.?

?What, didn?t I do it like the other men??

?I really couldn?t say sir.  All the other men rode it into town.?

[ex-prisoner]

Two old men walked into a bar. In the middle of the floor, a woman was being raped. Surprised, they looked around. Forty or so patrons at the bar were ignoring the rape and were engaged in conversation with each other.

"Excuse me," one of the old men said to the patron next to him, "why isn't anyone doing anything to help this woman?"

"Oh, that's not the way things go here, only the owner of the bar can stop the rapes and get rid of the rapists," said the patron.

"Oh, I see. Can you direct us to the owner?"

The patron waved the bar owner over, a striking woman obviously in command of her domain.

"What can i do for you fellows tonight?" she said.

The second old man spoke up. "Well we walked into your bar, saw this rape, and we heard only you can do anything about it."

"Oh yeah, that," said the bar owner, and waved her hand dismissively. "It's a real free for all around here, buncha crazy patrons."

"So why don't you stop the rape?"

"Like I said, it's a free for all. I am not their mommy or their babysitter. I don't have anything to do with that rape, it is up to the rapist to stop."

The two old men looked at each other and grinned, and then the first old man said to the bar owner, "Ma'am, we had no idea you were running a franchise of our original business. I'm afraid you owe us back payments in royalties."

The bar owner bit her lip nervously. "But you see," she said, "I don't charge anybody who comes here."

"I'm sure you can arrange something," said the second old man.

The bar owner thought for a minute and then her face lit up. "Hey, how much would it be worth to you boys if I advertised for the franchise?"

The old men laughed and shook her hand. They all toasted their business arrangement.

"And to think, Newton," said the first old man, wiping a tear of high emotion from his eye --

"Say no more, Sembler," said the second old man. "Our work will carry on after we are gone."

[Antigen]

What would or could the bar owner do? Call the cops on the rapists? Is that what you want me to do? Call the cops on Brian? Turn him out? Sit back and laugh (or cry) as they Baker Act him yet again?

Sorry, that would be a violation of my personal ethics.

Forgive, O Lord, my little joke on Thee and I'll  forgive Thy great big one on me.
--Robert Frost, American poet

[Anonymous]

So then the solution for the guy upset about the rape (not Newton and Sembler, a bystander watching) is to join in and rape her in an even MORE brutal fashion than what she had already suffered through?  That's exactly what was done by the person asking for Ginger to censor the board.

[Anonymous]

Along with deciding it would be a good idea to rape a couple of other people that happened to be there.

[Antigen]

Ok, one step further into the allegory. What these folks are really asking me to do is to throw the bums out. I suppose a bartender might do that, just sic the bouncer on `em and he'll toss `em to the curb. Then we can all go back to our merry making in our own little therapeutic coffee shop and pretend it's not happening.

The difference, of course, is that in physical space, the victim would stay safe and warm inside, seperated by brick and mortar from their attackers. In Cyberia, the assholes just set up another website or dozen and go on with their favorite flavor of merry-making.

You're operating from the false premis that I, or anybody, has the effective ability to stop one party saying nasty things to and about another.

The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist, poet, philosopher

[webcrawler]

On 2006-01-07 09:06:00, ex-prisoner wrote:

"Two old men walked into a bar. In the middle of the floor, a woman was being raped. Surprised, they looked around. Forty or so patrons at the bar were ignoring the rape and were engaged in conversation with each other.



"Excuse me," one of the old men said to the patron next to him, "why isn't anyone doing anything to help this woman?"



"Oh, that's not the way things go here, only the owner of the bar can stop the rapes and get rid of the rapists," said the patron.



"Oh, I see. Can you direct us to the owner?"



The patron waved the bar owner over, a striking woman obviously in command of her domain.



"What can i do for you fellows tonight?" she said.



The second old man spoke up. "Well we walked into your bar, saw this rape, and we heard only you can do anything about it."



"Oh yeah, that," said the bar owner, and waved her hand dismissively. "It's a real free for all around here, buncha crazy patrons."



"So why don't you stop the rape?"



"Like I said, it's a free for all. I am not their mommy or their babysitter. I don't have anything to do with that rape, it is up to the rapist to stop."



The two old men looked at each other and grinned, and then the first old man said to the bar owner, "Ma'am, we had no idea you were running a franchise of our original business. I'm afraid you owe us back payments in royalties."



The bar owner bit her lip nervously. "But you see," she said, "I don't charge anybody who comes here."



"I'm sure you can arrange something," said the second old man.



The bar owner thought for a minute and then her face lit up. "Hey, how much would it be worth to you boys if I advertised for the franchise?"



The old men laughed and shook her hand. They all toasted their business arrangement.



"And to think, Newton," said the first old man, wiping a tear of high emotion from his eye --



"Say no more, Sembler," said the second old man. "Our work will carry on after we are gone.""

Why must you always bring your sour apples to threads that have nothing to do with what your posting?

This was a good joke thread minus the racist jokes and all but I still didn't cry censorship.

Always have to be at the center of attention at other's expense I see. You ruined a good thread on Let it Bleed and succeded in having it deleted and now you fucked up the joke thread.  :rofl:

Ahhh the world of freedom of speech!  :lol: