God what a good description.
I haven't thought about this in a while. I remember going in and talking to a lady I always figured was the lady named "Mrs Meanes" although I really wasn't sure. I just learned her name on the COC and decided that was the fucking bitch lady that did my intake. Somehow made me feel better that was her name. She asked me what I thought was a ridiculously long list of drugs which seemed especially bizarre for her to keep going all the way down the list. Surely she would not want to waste more of her time seeing as how I already told her that I never did pot, mushrooms, inhalants, oh I can't remember what they all were. I think I remember starting to laugh at one point because it seemed so ridiculous. At the end though, she just looked up at me and told me that she thought I was lying and would be staying there for a little while. I started screaming at my mother. I had grown up with my father, and had just moved in with her a few months before because my dad was abusive. All he did was scream at me constantly and tell me how stupid I was. My mother repayed me for moving in with her by putting me in straight. You see, I wasn't quite the sweet, innocent FIVE YEAR OLD she remembered me being before she lost custody of me (by the way for being addicted to valium). So she wanted her little girl back. What she got instead is that I still think about her locking me up in that hell hole every day.
I remember being in a room with two girls for the whole day. They asked me a lot of weird questions about sex and I think one of them told me I should just go ahead and clear it up then so I wouldnt' have to admit it later in front of the whole group. I think she was trying to be nice. The other girl said something to her about just to let me say what I wanted.
So then finally I was put in some ridiculous looking clothes, and brought into the group. I remember the chanting, singing, the motivating, how everyone seemed so gung ho about being there and so completely...involved with being there. EVERYONE was dying to stand up and talk about how they were a drug addict and selfish and self-centered. It's like they couldn't get enough of it. What lunatics I thought. I had never done drugs except I smoked pot one time a year before. I thought for sure I would be getting out in 2 weeks.
Finally, I remember in this van on the way to some host home that night, I said to everyone that I thought I would be leaving in two weeks. I was told that would NEVER happen. I started crying. Actually, that was probably a real blessing since I didn't have to spend the whole freaking time waiting to get taken out, although of course I still hoped.
I was so happy when that night it iced over and we were stuck in that host home for a week because of it. I just thought every day how glad I was we didn't have to go to the building. But we still followed all the rules, bathing in groups in the bathroom all in front of each other, going to the restroom in front of each other, no talking, wearing strange clothes, eating raman noodles every night for dinner (which I ordinarily liked but that was all we had to eat plus I think oatmeal for breakfast). The windows in the bedroom were alarmed, although by the time I got to bed each night, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. This wasnt even while in group yet!
Finally, the day came that we were allowed to go back to the building. That started the confrontations and hysteria surrounding my supposed drug addiction, that I refused to admit cause I was so full of shit. I refused to admit it for maybe 3 months, until I finally decided to lie and made a whole list of stuff to clear up that I never really did. I had reached some sort of breaking point. Three months though!!!
