My first few days were filled with fantasies of escaping but it was clear I couldn't get away, I had no where to go and it wasn't long till I saw kids who had run, caught--right back in group.
In addition I had fantasies about my parents accepting and loving me again. Really, I would stare out the window fantasizing about busting through the screen and running away forever followed by fantasizing that my parents were in the courtyard outside the window arms exstended to me like I was a toddler taking her first steps. So I guess, despite what I saw, I had hopes, at first, that the program would make everything ok in my family again. But after a couple weeks it didn't matter anymore cause the system won, it didn't take long to overpower a desperate young girl. After that I was so busy looking for signs of fucked-up-ness in myself that my awareness that the program was fucked was disabled. Any time anything happened in group which brought that to my attention I turning it around on myself asap--they weren't fucked up I was fucked up for thinking that and if I didn't stop I would be caught, screamed at or even started over.
All in all, given my powerless position at the time I think my unconscious did me a big favor by giving in enough to get through as fast as possible.