Does anyone here hate the fact they are too damn sensitive from being in straight? I feel like an emotional basket case at the moment. I hate having feelings about everything. I cry easily to this day. I thought I did a pretty good job of having a hard outer shell and not crying before I was locked away.
I was "ripped" by a former staff member today because I used the word empathy and was called brainwashed. Funny I was never brainwashed to join staff. But hey, I really can't fault anyone for what they did in that place as we were all kids just trying to cope the best way we could figure out. The brainwashing comment hurts still though and my stomach is in knotts just like it used to be everyday as soon as I entered the building.
I let some things keep me in straight after copping out twice and deciding to "work my program". I'm sick of all the brainwashing insults thrown around by lots of people as if somehow they are more superior because they may have done something different. I even felt like I deserved to be punished back then and somehow being in that place was my repentance for all the horrible things I did.
I had some host parents that I felt truly loved me and I could actually communicate with them. My father threw me away like yesterday's trash before I went there. For years I had been mentally abused my this man and physically and mentally abused by my step mom. My father and step mom were shitty parents and I had anxiety issues because I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells and one wrong move could get me an ass beating at any moment. My mom worked all the time and went to school so the days I was to live at her house I spent at childcare. The person that "took care of me" was neglectful and mentally and physically abusive as well. I should also mention I was forced to be outside everyday until it was dark, fed the bare minimum and was not allowed to sit on her precious furniture. I started stealing from stores in the first grade because I was so hungry all the time.
Eating at my dad's house was not much better. The first week of each month was when the food stamps came and we would get some snacks. Other than that me and my 5 siblings ate just meals which many times consisted of beans. There was always money for my parents to get high and drunk though.
I would later bounce from relatives to friends, to group home and then full time with my father. At this time my father became a religous zealot and kept me prisoner in the house.I was sent to an abusive school run by Baptists. My dad decided we were not allowed to have junk food anymore but didn't buy any healthy snacks so I was still left hungry all the time. Where those food stamps were going was beyond me. We had financial aid to attend this shitty private school. We were probably the only family on welfare and we were coldly embraced yet my father was so wrapped up in that place.
I finally got to move back home with my mom only to soon be sent to a psychiatric hospital and straight directly after. Why? Because my mom caught me having sex at my "druggie b/f's" house high and drunk and beat my ass and sent me away.
So my dirty and lost soul sought comfort in some things at straight. I had 2 parent host homes. I had 2 host parents that loved me. I had someone to be my dad that didn't tell me I was no longer his daughter and didn't cut me off. I got to eat good meals in my host homes. My host parents weren't beating each other up, breaking things, and throwing furniture around like my real parental homes.
For the first time ever I lived in suburbs and attended 2 excellent schools. I made lots of friends at school and my teachers believed in me. Before straight I was the kid all the parents forbade their kids to hang around with. They would call or send notes to the school telling the teacher and principal to keep their kids away from me. My teachers and principals before straight are evil bitches. They taunted me, shook me, hit me, pushed me and made me a scapegoat for anything that went wrong. It was no wonder I attended school maybe 30 days all together in 8th grade.
So yeah maybe I was brainwashed to some degree, but I was already hurting and all alone before I got to straight. My stomach would always hurt in group, but I actually looked forward to going home to my host parents, going to school, and going to my job. I focused on what things were good for me and that's what kept me going. My mom has since apologized for things in my childhood, but I can't help but be haunted from all this shit.