I Want To Be On The Oprah Show
Dear Oprah,
After watching your show on "Relationships", I felt I had to write to you about my own experience with relationships, and how I had to really take a look at myself. People were always impatient with me. I thought they should have more fun, but I didn't realize they were busy and had things to worry about. I had to stop and take a good look at myself and how I was contributing to the problems in my relationships with people.
The first thing I realized, out of the blue, as though an angel had alighted upon my shoulder in a miracle (consider me for you show on miracles, too, please) is that I am obsessed with tennis balls. I guess it all came clear to me one day, that my owner was actually disgusted with the saliva on the tennis ball, and bored with the game, and really didn't want to play anymore. It is a little embarrassing to admit to this, but it was a real blind spot. I have since learned to wipe the ball off on the grass a little bit in between fetches. I have learned to take responsibility for my contributions to the fun. Now I mix it up a little, and fetch other things, like babies' hats. My owner gets really excited about that, it seems to be a source of a lot of fun in our relationship.
Another thing I realized when I took a good long look in the mirror, is that I am really self-centered. I pull on the leash a lot, for example. As a dog, I realized I should really take a look at myself. Just because somebody has me on a leash so I can never run free doesn't mean it's my right to practically yank their arm out of their socket when I see a squirrel and am led helplessly by instinctive pleasure to make a mad dash for it. I can't help it! I love squirrels! The way they twitch their tails, and squeak at me from up in the trees, it's enought to drive anyone mad!
I realized, thanks to my angel, who visited me several times in the form of a sadistic animal experimenter and controller who put a zap collar on me, that it is really me who is straining the relationship. There are certain ways dogs should act, and certain ways they shouldn't act. I for one, can freely admit that I have no boundaries. I like to chew on my itchy spots a lot, never listening to or noticing the disgusting sound that makes. Well maybe I have realized that I should have healthier boundaries. Some people get a kick out of it when I sniff between their legs, and some people want me to get away. I am a little confused sometimes about the rules, but that's just probably me being a dumb dog. Again, my fault.
I thought I could get by on fuzziness and the major cute factor of how much I love everybody and/or piss wherever I damn well please - you gotta admit, humans love that - but really i see that I will never be in a long-term, committed relationship until I get my nose out of people's asses and quit eating shit.
Signed,
Fido
