Tony/Tania Merrette: Clone of Medusa

[Elan Reporter's Assistant]

Tony Merrette was born in 1959 to parents who GIed their floor all day long for fun.  At the age of 3, Tony was given his first verbal reprimand for breathing the wrong way.  This pattern of a verbal reprimand every 15 minutes led Tony to become obsessed with screaming at people.  

Legend has it that a naked Mongoloid Indian warrior transplanted the voice of the demon-possessed transsexual into Tony during a family vacation to Maine on the site of what would one day become Elan 7.  The Indian's face was so covered in buffalo feces that Tony mistook the shit on the Indian's face for a pirate's eyepatch.  Thus the legend of the Elan 7 Buccaneers was born.  And 10-year-old Tony knew what he wanted to be -- a concept the-rapist.

The trouble was that Tony hated himself as a male.  Late in the night, Tony would beat his genitals senseless with a baseball bat hoping they would come detached -- an activity he called "whacking off."  When this didn't work, he tried giving them a general meeting to go away.  That didn't work either, although the Merette neighbor's complained about a loud teenager's voice calling out, "Yeah fuck you!  Yeah why won't you leave?!!  Yeah, I wish I was a woman!!!"

At the age of 18, Tony got his wish.  After hounding his parents for two years, Tony finally got them to agree to pay for a sex-change operation.  Tony went under the knife.

The doctor first cut off Tony's penis and split it in two lengthwise.  He then injected collagen into the sides until they resembled pussy lips.  He then reattached the lips and drilled a whole in Tony's groin area, before installing pubic implants.

The doctor also gave Tony droopy breast lifts (firm tits cost too much for the family).  But something was missing.  Tony wasn't quite feminine enough.  Then the doctor got a great idea.

Next door to the hospital was a musical theatre where a production of "The Wizard of Oz" had just taken place.  The doctor met with the creative director and asked if he could have the wig of The Wicket Witch of the West.  The director agreed and the doctor cleaned the cobwebs (some of them anyway) from the wig before implanting the threads on Tony's head.  And at that moment: Tania Merette was born!  

For his services, the doctor received $10,000, 15 verbal reprimands, seven days in the corner and a smoking general meeting.

NEXT: Tania needs a job

[The Elan Reporter]

[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 07:09 ]

[evenitout]

Let me splice up this "genius, sophisticated, comedic, hillarious, ROTF, LOL," post that was just written For all of you that think this guy is the next Jim Carrey.
 




*naked

*Mongoloid

*Indian warrior

*demon-possessed transsexual

*Indian

*covered in buffalo feces

*shit on the Indian's face  

*rapist.

*beat his genitals senseless with a baseball bat  

*"whacking off."

*fuck you

*Yeah, I wish I was a woman!

*sex-change operation

*cut off Tony's penis

*pussy lips

*Tony's groin

*pubic implants.

*droopy breast lifts

*firm tits


Now that right there is the writing of a sophisticated talented writer. Correct? I mean that's what you guys keep claming? All of the best sellers make sure that all of the things listed above are installed in every paragrah that they produce. Whacking off, poop jokes and droopy tits? What could possibly be more funny that that! You guys are absoultly right! What was I possibly thinking! This is the work of a comedic GENIUS! There is just no other way to describe it! I will make sure that your slander is submitted to the great writers of America. Hell, maybe you could even be on the list of national best sellers! Bravo guys. You are talented! I don't know how I managed to not notice sooner. I mean this is almost as funny as "Dude Where's My Car?"

[evenitout]

And to the others that have been agreeing with me, why don't you also register under a name so that we obviously aren't the "same" person. Or They can at least stop accusing us of being the same person now. :wink:

[Anonymous]

Actually Dude Where's My Car was fucking hysterical.  AND THEEEEEENNNNNN?

[Anonymous]

Actually, I hate to break it to you,but as a freelance writer for a popular publication and one who hopes to finish my hilarious book sometime in the near future...
I must tell you that these stories...
Elan Reporter's, Elan Reporter's assistant's, Mark Rosenblow's...
Are all not only hilariously written but show the marks of  
actual good writers.
I hate to bust the bubble, but yes.
These rants have ME pissing my pants and are even wetting the pants of my FRIENDS who have never been to or really heard about Elan.
Funny is funny.
And these guys are a riot.

[Chrysta]

and if you really are a freelance writer, you still have more work to do. As part of a captive audience that takes the time to read some of these stories to find out what the hype is all about....THEY SUCK!!! And not because I have a biased opinion towards Elan or some of it's staff, but because the "writings" or "stories" are OLD! They are repetitive at the very least. Get some new material if you want to keep your readers interested. I think these so called talents would be better off used on maybe your OWN website, where people can go to them and read all about the your views and dislikes? Any of you guys interested in forking out the $ for your own website..... probably not!!!!

[Chrysta]

I do agree, and I ALWAYS use my name. I know there aren't many of us out there who don't care what these assholes think of us, but I am one of them. Kudos to you for not caring either.... :tup:

[The Elan Reporter]

[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 07:09 ]

[Leticia De Luna]

TANIA IS A STRONG WOMAN,,, WITH A STRONG PERSONALITY! SHE TAUGHT WOMAN @ ELAN HOW TO STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES... TO NOT PUT UP WITH BULLSHIT... KIND OF LIKE THESE CRAPPY STORIES!!  WHY ARE THESE STAFF RIDICULED FOR TRYING TO HELP TROUBLED TEENS, WHO OBVIOUSLY NEEDE SOME TYPE OF DIRECTION?!!

[Anonymous]

if you call what tania does help, you'd probably call michael jackson a good babysitter.

[Leticia De Luna]

NO,,, NOT REALLY,,, DON'T CARE (NOR NEED) TO THINK ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON THOUGH! I SIMPLY STATED MY OPINIONS ABOUT TANIA MERETTE 'CAUSE SHE IS SOMEONE WHO HAD AN INVOLVEMENT IN MY LIFE, WHEN I NEEDED TO CHANGE MY LIFE.... ALOT OF PEOPLE MAY NOT LIKE HER; THAT IS THEIR PEROGATIVE... WE ARE ALL ENTITLED TO OUR OPINIONS. I DON'T CARE TO GO BACK AND FORTH ON A FORUM SUCH AS THIS...  SO, RESPECT MY POSTED OPINION OF TANIA MERETTE, AS THAT IS WHAT THIS BOARD IS FOR....  OPINIONS!!

[Elan Reporter's Assistant]

WE ARE ALL ENTITLED TO OUR OPINIONS. I DON'T CARE TO GO BACK AND FORTH ON A FORUM SUCH AS THIS... SO, RESPECT MY POSTED OPINION OF TANIA MERETTE, AS THAT IS WHAT THIS BOARD IS FOR.... OPINIONS!!

Of course.  Now if you'll kindly tell that to Evenitout, everything will settle down.

I bid you hi-yuh hi-yuh.

[Mister Pink]

On 2005-08-18 07:32:00, Leticia De Luna wrote:

"TANIA IS A STRONG WOMAN!!"

I agree; its because she still has the facial structure and muscle mass of a man  :lol:

[Mister Pink]

I've seen her lift a VW Bug over her head while giving a really smoking 2-house general meeting.
I wish Id had a camera - something like that - you really need to see with your own eyes to get an accurate picture..

_________________
the art of the one-liner, perfected.[ This Message was edited by: Mister Pink on 2005-08-18 09:57 ]