INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased
the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately on unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER.
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped
with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can
master only a few basic human phrases with this
apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make
barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in
some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have
him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your
nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't
hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers
have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners
also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours,
mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is
strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why
this is not done on the boat
HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You
should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their
way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the
light fades.
ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include:
1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal
its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing.
2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.
Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one).
3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit.
4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out
in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood.
5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans.
WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.
DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might
say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most
people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours
dies, report the license number of the car that did
the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will
collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.
COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS.
MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE.
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?
MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER BLACK HOES.
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so
it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any
white women who might go near it.
WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even
then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully
overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their
own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were
nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
MY NIGGER KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR.
WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or
less transparent. That brown color you can see is the
shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models
of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".
MY NIGGER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger".
WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR VALUABLE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of
them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger.
However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it.
MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD.
And you were expecting what?
MY NIGGER DISPLAYS A MASSIVE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT.
This is normal.
SHOULD I ALLOW MY NIGGER TO FORNICATE WITH OTHER NIGGERS?
Where are we, Wonderland? You'll have a lot of trouble getting it to fornicate with *other* niggers.
WHERE CAN I BUY MYSELF A BETTER QUALITY OF NIGGER?
I don't really understand the question ("better quality of nigger"...?WTF?)
