Uncomfortably numb

[Nonconformistlaw]

Less than two weeks ago dateline jolted me out of my comfortably numb state when it aired its piece on program restraints. And then I found this forum immediately...

I didn't know there were so many Straight and other program POW's out there....and so I read, and read and read....so many things that I have forgotten about....at times I had to stop reading because I couldn't handle it...way too much reality...

I always thought I was able to put Straight behind me...and after years of post-Straight stuggling in every way imaginable...I became, for lack of better words, an "over-acheiver." I guess you could say I drove myself to "sucess" out of sheer determination to forget Straight, forget the label of being a bad kid/druggie, and partly, to prove every last one of them how wrong they were about me.

I thought I finally silenced the Straight demons, calmed that uneasy haunnted feeling that never goes away, I though I had it under control...

Yes Ive always been very aware of the anger that I carried with me, knew perfectly well how much Straight damaged me, have felt resentful every day since my incarceration in Straight and the kidnapping incident. But since I knew there wasn't a damn thing I could do to change the horrors of Straight, I just refused to think much about the entire experience.

And now.....I read on the verge of tears everyone else's experiences in Straight, nodding, yeah I remember that. But yet I cant cry, I cant break down, cant even comprehend my own emotional turmoil that is just beneath the surface...nor can I reach it...BUT I know its there....

I feel shell-shocked, just like the day I was first sat down in group....I'm numb and its so damn uncomfortable...and at the same time, I feel as if I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown of sorts...

What the hell is this? After 20 years how is this possible???

Can somebody please explain this to me??

[Anonymous]

Fucking A, brother, welcome to the club.  It's damn weird encountering this shit for the first time, it blew me away.  Be careful here, this shit is powerful and can be addictive.  Take a deep breath, and try to stay calm.  Everybody here knows what it was like being in Straight and seeing these forums after 20 years.  It's a fucking freakout.  

We were subjected to some of the weirdest shit for anyone to encounter, and it was done to us during our formative years.  That place was extreemely fucked up, and damaged and killed a lot of people.

My advice would be to go slowly, take a deep breath, and maybe talk to a counselor or significant other if you need to.  This shit can get full-blown weird at times, and I would advise caution.  That said, I think it can be somewhat beneficial as far as figuring out how to unravel Straight's lies that we were forced to swallow, and can help you gain an understanding of what they did to us.  It is not pretty.

The real sick shit is that these places never went away--they keep cropping up under different names, and kids are getting abused in them as you read this.  There are a lot of people on these forums that do a lot to help to bring about the closure of these places, with some degrees of success.  Maybe you'll want to get involved with that, maybe not.

What you will definitely find here is a bunch of people who understand what you're experiencing and will believe you when you tell them about your time in Straight because they were there.  So many people can't or don't comprehend the shit we were subjected to.  

Glad you could make it.

[Nonconformistlaw]

Yeah, I've already notice that the forum is addicting...but I've also notice that the forum is oddly...well downright therapudic, because so many here have been there and there's no need to convince POW's how horrible it was...even if my life does feel like its been turned upside down all over again...I'm glad I found it.

And I have been thinking about counseling...but the fears crop up, what if they dont believe my story, you know..distrust of so called therapy...and if that happens I dont know what I'll do...but I think its worth trying because NOTHING can be as bad as Straight.

Yeah, between Dateline's story and this forum, I realize Straight never really went away (to my absolute horror)...and I have already been involved in my own way, through more indirect means...by mentoring kids. And I plan to devote some amount of my practice (I'm about to graduate law school) to juvenile law, even though Straight's influence is felt in the JJ system (drug courts). I hope to make some kind of contribution to finding real solutions, because I can't stand what kids in the system (or in copycat Straight programs)have to go through without a single adult on their side. Idealistic...yeah, I know.

[Anonymous]

hey, i hear you, nonconformistlaw. it means a whole lot to me when new people show up and say what you said. i get you about the counseling thing, too.

i knew that i needed to remember and really feel things, so i went into that, and it was crushing this past winter.

but it helped to me remember, it made me feel more real. i still can't believe what happened. there are things to face still. i am still trying to understand about brainwashing and what i turned into in Straight.

i sat alone in town for a while the other night, and i realized that i was so extremely conscious of possible predators. so then i told myself just to imagine that NO ONE was out to get me. i was safe. they were all decent people out on the town having fun. everything was okay. and i calmed down. having seen the dark side of people in Straight, i think i always expect that. i read that into people, and it is just not the truth. i have read that into many kind people that i have met, whom i never needed to fear, and it has kept me alone.

i have met some deeply close friends here, people who understand things that no one else in the world could understand, and people who love me even when i am being as disagreeable as possible. ::heart::

so welcome.

b from vt.

[starry-eyed pirate]

What B from VT said.

[Nonconformistlaw]

I know what you mean...I KNOW I need to remember and really feel things...and I hate that I cant reach the pain...but KNOW it's there, and I am scared to death to really feel it...But, hey if I can survive Straight once I guess I can do it again when I force myself to relive it.

That is what its going to be like isn't it...like reliving the nightmare all over again :question:  :question:

Oh well...gotta do it...its bizarre how that I know Straight happened, but at times it seems like it happen to someone else or I just imagined how bad it really was...surreal or something. Probably denial.

You know when you mentioned how being concious of predators and how it has kept you alone...it got me thinking...Are my Straight created phobias & fears connected to why I am alone/single. I have never been able to maintain a long-term relationship...there always short.

One of my Straight created fears...fear of being falsely accused and imprisoned again...can't shake it.

[Nonconformistlaw]

Come to think of it....

If I'm falsely accused of anything in my life...I FREAK OUT, I'm hyper-sensitive that way....nobody ever understands why I have such a strong reaction. I always hear "if their wrong don't worry about it...you can't control what other people think" Stuff like that. But it always REALLY upsets when me when I have been misunderstood in any way.

Obviously being misunderstood by my parents and falsely accused of being a druggie by Straight became my worst nightmare.

Does this happen to anyone else? Overreacting to being misunderstood and/or falsely accused???

[Anonymous]

Yes, ALL the time! Now that I've 'been on top of it' for a while it has seemed to subside a little..

[Tampa survivor]

I am with you , friend.  I locked myself in my room for days when I first stumbled onto this forum like  3or 4 years ago.  
The broken marraige, the FREAK-OUTs, the overly disclosing temdency (gotta be honest), the lack of trust.
Been single now since for 4 years since my girlfriend couldn;t get me to commit.
Yeah, I am with you.  
I will never forget crying like a kid in front of my monitor after years of hardness.
You are not alone.
Bill H
St Pete & Atlanta
12/80- 12/82

[Nonconformistlaw]

Thanks Tampa Survivor.

Although I haven't locked myself in a room yet, I've still basically shut the world out since I stumbled on to this forum. Its all I can think about right now and I am barely functioning (as in taking care of daily responsibilities, much less productive at work, etc).

I noticed that I waver between the verge of a freak out and the numbness/state of shock.

The insidiousness of Straight's effect on people, including myself, so many years later is nothing less than a mind boggling mental and emotional bombshell.

I still haven't been able to completely break down and cry yet...A few tears slip out occassionally, but I can't seem to penatrate the fortress of numbness. Out of curiousity, have any tips on breaking through that fortress? Or as you call it hardness?

God I hate the overdisclosing tendancy/emotional vomiting...I think I've driven many commitment phobes away just because of that alone. Yeah, it seems like Straight, among many other things, damaged some of our ability to carry on normal/healthy relationships.

[Antigen]

I don't think I really locked myself away. But I definitely had a paradigm shift and a change in habit when I started looking into the historical facts of the matter.

Prior to that, when the newspeople spoke of things like a multijurisdictional counterdrug taskforce, I'd just shudder and change the channel. See, I thought I was just paranoid and overly affected and that explained my general anxiety over those familiar, authoritarian themes. I spent a good many months playing catch up wrt learning about what's going on. Instead of writing it off to paranoia, I started searching on relavent terms. I wasn't entirely correct in my original assumptions. But close enough so that it often pays to follow those hunches.

Check it out
Anonymity Anonymous
return undef() if /coercion/i;

[Anonymous]

On 2005-08-15 10:49:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:




I noticed that I waver between the verge of a freak out and the numbness/state of shock.

That's a pretty good description of my mental state most of the time.

The insidiousness of Straight's effect on people, including myself, so many years later is nothing less than a mind boggling mental and emotional bombshell.

Yeah, it freaks me out to think that the shit that went down over twenty years ago still has some kind of effect on me, it's really fucking weird....I feel really dissociated from the world a lot.

God I hate the overdisclosing tendancy/emotional vomiting...

That has got to be one of the worst effects of all.

Yeah, it seems like Straight, among many other things, damaged some of our ability to carry on normal/healthy relationships.



"

Without a doubt.  I wouldn't tell one g/f I loved her because of the connotations the word took on for me after Straight.  That particular quirk led to some awkward pauses in conversations between us.

[Anonymous]

Another great post by Animals, animals all of us, he, she, we, them, us. Thanks Animals. You are not fooling anyone by telling your story again. Man, get a life you silly sad strange little man you.

[Nonconformistlaw]

Who's "Animals"? I'm really confused. Which post are you referring to?

[Anonymous]

Doesn't really matter....it was a good post though.