Thoughts about John's Underwood?s post.
I am not sure I ever came in contact with you. I have some vague memory that you may have come up to Cleveland just before I graduated in 77.
You said you have little tolerance for immature, disruptive behavior. What constitutes immature behavior for a twelve year old?
I was twelve when I came into the program
You stated an opinion that people here are whining about little things but I suggest that the definition of a big thing that really hurts a person and a small thing that can be shrugged off varies by age and experience. A twelve year old girl who hates herself, don't get along with your parents, and got one to many detentions is going to be much easier to terrorize than a twenty five year old heroin addict who's determined to not go back to prison.
No one had to beat me in order to abuse me. I was an easy target.
I believed everything I was told, from the seed saved me from eminent death to the stated fact that the staff could read my mind. I never felt confident that I was straight enough despite the fact that I vigilantly tried to do everything right- constantly monitoring my every thought, feeling, and action to be sure it fit seed doctrine. Still I lived in constant fear that staff or some seedling, straighter than I, would smell unacceptable thoughts and feelings on me like shit on my shoes, scream at me for hours and start me over.
Nine months of this made me a very anxious girl with virtually no idea how I actually felt about anything.
Does that sound like health to you?
I haven't needed drug treatment as an adult. Thank God cause the little bits of AA the seed used ruined that option for me. I wouldn?t be able to sit next to posters listing the three steps without hyperventilating; the serenity prayer makes my queasy. I struggle to support friends who have found help in AA with out projecting all my fears on them and it's to bad because as I understand AA is a program where people come and go when their ready and make there own decisions unlike the seed where anyone who tried to leave was hunted down and dragged back while they were told that they were so full of shit they weren't worth saving. I have, however, needed treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder, and expense for which I once considered suing the seed.
I few years ago I talked to a woman who was made staff when I was in the program. ?Yes,? she said she had noticed and was concerned when a twelve year old was admitted into the program. It was nice to know someone cared but I wonder why hadn?t she said something at the time; she was staff, beyond question, trusted. Then I realized no one was really safe there-- no one was ever beyond question.
Not all argument or disagreement is disruption, but it was seen so at the seed. The people who had the age and maturity to think their own thoughts seemed to know they had to keep those thoughts to themselves.
Look at your story. You disagreed. You were out
Let me be clear. I don?t blame anyone, not my parents who were told the seed was the best thing to do with me, not the staff members who were once on the front row them selves. But I think it is flippant and deflecting to judge the validity of other people?s pain. It?s just to damned easy cause-- there?s nothing so bad that it couldn?t be worse.
Thank you for having the guts to join this dialog. It can?t be easy to be the only x-staff member on board. It?s really appreciated.
