Thanks for sharing what you did Clevland. I know exactly what you are saying. I never knew who I was a 17yrs old in the seed. I had to cover up all my pain with drugs and drinking. While in the seed, I felt so much fear, humiliation, shame and guilt. Yet I had no outside substance to hide with. I also had a lot of anger- towards my parents for putting me in there, and for all the staff and old commers whom I lived with for 30 days, always telling me what to do. When it came time to write my "moral inventories" every night, I didn't know what the heck to even write. Since the Female staff was right there, I just winged it. I had no idea what feelings were. It wasn't until I went to therapy, and then AA (found out I am not an alcholic), did I begin to feel for the first time in my life. Sure I knew what love, happiness, and sadness felt like, but I had to learn that I was an adult with a childs emotions. I had a wonderful sponsor, and a great group of women who loved me unconditionally. I soak the "real" steps up like a sponge, and grew very fast. Doing all the steps I was very honest with myself and my sponsor. Ya know, the seed came up one time, and my sponsor reminded me that the seed was a part of my past. Not my today, and not my tomorrow. So I learned that "I let go a very long time ago." As I learned, "I let go and let God." I had a spiritual awakening because of the steps, and that is what my life is all about now. How best can I serve God? What is His will, not mine. I now know that living in the past ruins what blessing I may receive today. Even if it is just a smile from a stranger, or the sound of the birds singing. I'm sure you know the saying "keep it simple". That is the best way to live , for me!!