I was never in a program so I can't say I know what it's like but I spent the entire last year of my life trying to help a girl like you get out. In the process I learned about this heinous industry inside and out, including the effects it has on survivors. I've read at least a couple hundred personal accounts. It is absolutely understandable that you'd feel this way.
You've been through a hell that people seem not to want to know about. I am a recently retired therapist and prior to my experience with my young friend I'd never heard about these places, except for one account from a client who'd been through Straights, but never mentioned the name to me. I thought I understood her then, but I didn't fully. However, to the degree I understood and supported her, I know I helped. Her traumatic experience moved from foreground to background. She's doing well. We both know she'll never forget.
My young friend has recently been released, just a few weeks and I can't reach her directly because she's been brainwashed to believe I'm bad and that she could be sent back if she contacts me. I'm confident that I'll reach her but I've been thinking about how best to deal with the aftermath of this.
One thing I discovered is that there are a few groups of young adult survivors who are collecting stories written by other survivors. I believe that this could be very healing not only to know that people might finally understand this Orwellian experience but your stories, together, will be part of what will force this industry to massive reform.
Not sure if html is working but here's an address for one site. The site is mostly focussed on bipolar disorder however you'll see on the discussion board areas devoted to institutional abuse such as you've been through. The people I wrote to about this seem very intelligent and motivated.
http://www.icarusproject.net Check their discussion board.
I, too, feel like throwing up when I have to explain why I'm so upset about what's happened to my friend and, again, I wasn't even there.
It's a horrific entry into the adult world. Yes, you did get a dose of reality - evil does exist. It's the closest I've come to evil in my 40 odd years. However, this isn't a full picture of reality, grace also exists. Pieces of this awful industry have crumbled and most of us here are working in one form or another to bring it down. These are heartful, good, kind people.
I know that there is so much b.s. all around us. Finding the truth takes effort usually, but I've found pockets of people who do speak the truth and they are a great comfort to me.
I hope you'll join our effort in whatever fashion is appropriate, to bring that 99% of those that don't/won't hear down a whole lot. I've devoted the last year to it and made a dent. I'm exhausted, enraged but glad that I made some difference.
Please feel free to leave me a private message if you'd like.
I wish you healing and hope you find loving people to connect with.
