When does it stop?
When people stop relying on a pill or a book or a person to save them. Life coaching is a bunch of Newage bullshit. People are looking for an answer from outside themselves. They won't find it.
There is a lot of truth in what you say. But, if you break your leg you go to the doctor for help. If you can't contol your child, for WHATever reason, or they are abusive, you are smarter to ask for help than to keep doing the same crap over that doesn't work. Parents who don't ask for help end up abusing their kids. Parenting does not come with a manual. It's not a cookie cutter job. somone posted about the lack of family support. Look at our society today. What's that old saying about how it takes a village to raise a child. We don't have that today. it takes 2 incomes to pay the rent. Families are fractured, the impact of having an extended family around is a luxury for most. People don't know their neighbors. Kids are exposed to a lot of bad crap, parents do their best to counteract this, but it' not as easy as it looks. Really.
Anne, I forgot to say this, and I did not mean to demean what you said at all. You are right on target. People have to look inwards to solve their own problems and not make it someone else's fault or problem, and if you are doing this, kudos to you. I tried to teach my son this, when he was obsessed with revenge for his bulliers. Some of us have more or less fortitude than others and need differeing amounts of help. I applaud you for taking responsibility for your self instead of relying on a pill or a book or another person, and sticking up for your opinion. I have to work through my own grief, there is no magic pill or book to make it all better. At times I reach out for help. A couple of weeks ago, I truly wanted to die, I was overwhelmed with grief about my son and could see no hope for the future. Seeing other people going on with their lives as if nothing happened was torturing me. Having to respond to friendly conversation with a nice clerk at the grocery store would make me burst into tears, and I'm normally not that emotional. Life without my son seemed seemed so unfair that I did not want to go on. I figured out a plan to kill myself so that my daughter would think it was not a suicide, but an accident. I knew it was wrong, but I felt hopelessly overwhelmed with grief. I called a friend and my grief counselor, and worked through it. I've had 2 weeks of feeling reallly strong emotionally and physically, and I know this will not happen again. Without reaching out for help and getting some coaching, I'd be dead, and my daughter would have lost her only remaining family. Usually I'm way tougher than that, but sometimes we just need that connection to another person. One day, I was feeling really low, and out of the blue, Cathy Sutton called me to see how I was doing. Just hearing her voice, having that connection with another mom with the same sense of loss, and knowing that someone cared turned my whole day around.
Of course. I wouldn't ever suggest not seeking help. It's the type of help that I question (not necessarily you PBMom). Taking what you say at face value regarding the dangers of the situation, CPS threatening you with abuse of your other child if you did not remove your son, I can understand how you felt hopeless and backed into a corner.
The type of help you reached out for and received is what I'm talking about. I'm reading Deb's postings on the 'wrap around' therapy with cautious optimism. It's forced incarceration, coerced or forced 'therapy', unproven methods, unqualified staff and the rest that goes with it. I'm also talking about this burgeoning field called 'life coaching'. What a bunch of bullshit that is. People who need help, need
real help, not quacks charging to be you or your child's friend.
Raising kids aint' for sissies. It sucks sometimes. They terrify us. They push boundaries, are dangerously impulsive. They're angry, defiant, moody, rebellious and bullheaded. That's their job, quite literally. It is a huge part of their development and parents are freaking out when Janie gets a body and a mind of her own. (Again, not you PBMom, there are a few Stepcraft parents around) I've lived what happens when you interrupt that process when I was snatched up 20 some years ago. I've also lived through being terrified that I'd end up identifying my daughter's body in the morgue. Now, I've lived through seeing her learn for herself, realize things on her own. I relish when she tells me, 'damn Mom, I shoulda listened to you in the first place'. The reason I get that, the reason why she and her sister come to me with things most kids wouldn't dream of talking to their parents about is because I don't expect them to follow some plan I've made for them. I've always treated them with respect for their individuality and their own thoughts. That doesn't mean I don't speak my mind, but I understand my limitations. I understand that if I force something on her before she's ready it won't do any good and I'll lose her trust.
Kids aren't supposed to grow up to be miniature versions of us. They're not supposed to grow up according to what we want. They're supposed to find their own way, with guidance and support, not control and force.
There are other options for parents who invest enough time and $$ to be creative, to find a unique solution for their unique family. If these parents have enough money to spend on programs, they could take a few months off work and go on an RV road trip with the whole family. Deb said in a thread somewehre else that we used to have extended family to help with raising kids. Lean on them if you ahve them. See if Janie can go and stay with Aunt Denise two states away.
That's what I mean when I say people are looking for someone else to fix their problems. I would never tell someone not to reach out for help if they need it.
