So the preliminaries are a fog. I have no friggin' clue when my intake was. Don't really care. It was a long time ago. I'm thinking 88 or 89 in Stoughton, MA. All I really know is this THING happened to me... and life has never been the same since.
When I left Straight, I dropped off my newcommers (I'm SO SORRY) and walked on out the door. Hitchhiked back to New Hampshire. Hid out for a few days and for whatever insanely stupid reason, let my mom talk me into comming back to "sign out the right way". It's a bit foggy there. I can't remember if I had the caring loving exit interview.. I think I did, but all I really remember was being in the parking lot and having Executive Staff try and pull the "we love you so much, come back and we can work this all out" pep talk. I turned my back and walked away.
Of course at this point, my mom excommunicated me from the family. My house was still a Straight house. She was brainwashed hardcore. She got more from that program than me. Had to deal with Alanon crap for years. I was homeless for awhile.. Managed to swing a job when I got to a homeless shelter after wearing out the welcome of all my friends parents. I stayed sober for all of a year (including my 9 months incarceration) and finally woke up to the fact that what I had become was not working for me. I started making choices for myself again. A little LSD here.. alot of alcohol there, copious amounts of dope. Life was less painful again.
My parents ended up getting divorced because of Straight. Thank god.. they were miserable together. Lived with my dad for a bit... and then somehow a few foggy months later I was married to a girl that rented a room from my dad. She seriously played us both. She wanted out of her parents house so badly and found a way to do it.
I wish I knew what the fuck I was thinking then. Wish I had the foresight to see through the Straight programming there. Everyone I knew kept asking me if I knew what I was doing.. And all I could hear was staff telling me my thoughts and choices were wrong. I mostly got married out of spite; To prove to everyone else that *I* was in control of MY life.. not anyone else. Tell me THAT'S not fucked up?
So along comes my first kid. Now I'm a dad.. Oh goody.. an opportunity to destroy someone elses life. Like I was remotely prepared to be a dad. Shit.. I'm still not now.
All this time I'm getting progressively angry. Something new for me. Anger turns to rage.. rage turns to hatred. I hate everything.. the world, society, government, people.. but heres the kicker.. I'm a social creature. I NEED to be around people. I can play the hermit game for awhile.. but eventually I find my way back to people. And they actually like me.. want to be around me.. want to "know all about me"... EXCUSE ME? Get the fuck away from me you fucking vampire... go sap someone else's energy.. I need all mine just to make it through the day. WHY on earth would anyone want to know me? Don't they know that I've become a force of chaos? That everyone that gets involved with me will get hurt? No no... they all want my advice.. I'm so wise.. how did I get where I was? How can I be so confident.. the lone wolf.. we wanna be like you... "Let me tell you.. go south young man.. go to Stoughton, MA and click your heels 3 times. Close your eyes and step through the doors of an old UPS building. And buckle the fuck up.. it's gonna rock your world"
I have a Straight staff member living in my head. Somewhere the programming has manifested as a separate nasty critical voice that questions EVERYTHING I do. Sanity begins to slip away. I can't make a decision. I'm afraid I'll make the wrong one. Hell, I'm afraid I'll make the right one, and life might get better. Then there will be something in my life that can be taken away again. I can't afford to care about anything. Only hatred is real.. Only *I* am real. But I don't know what *I* am. I define myself by my failures.. and limited successes. I define myself by my intelligence.. and having all the answers. My biggest fear is the judgement that will follow my saying "I don't know". I never commit to anything that will encourage that. I never try new things unless I have a better than 95% guarantee that it will work to my favor. I sit on the outside watching life go by.. Like a predator.. or more aptly.. an opportunistic predator.. like the spider that ambushes from the shadows and retreats with its prize. Not the proud lion that lets the world's worries slide off it's pride. No fear.
Even now.. re-reading this spew... Staff central in my head says "Have a seat!" Quit whining.. can't change the past.. Well no fucking shit... So what do you do with that? Buy a gun? Declare open season in Florida? Or maybe just turn it on that staff member in my head? What DO you do with it?
Rage is a wonderful curse. Alot like an LSD trip.. its all fun and games.. until you don't want to be like that anymore.. hour 5 of a good trip rolls around.. and you're feeling pretty done.. and you suddenly walk through the gates of hell and the smile on your face isn't quite so smiley anymore.
There used to be a time when I would wish no harm on anyone. Now... Now I think I'd be a good candidate for a WMD. Just drop me off in a place that we want to cause to most possible damage to and let me go.
So I'm left here with a better life and a shitty history. I freed myself from a hellish marriage. Actually I'm friends with her. Re-married. Have 2 more wonderful children and a great wife. But.. I'm still not the greatest Dad. I struggle with Bi-polar type 2 daily, weekly, monthly.. you name it.. fucked up manic depression. I still hate everything. I question it all... The fundamental all of it.. the actual nature of reality. My interests have turned to entheobotany and shamanism. Cuz the answers sure as shit are NOT in this culture. and if its really all about American life.. if this is the culmination of human history.. stop the fucking bus.. I want off now.
Hows this for fucked up.. Family to me are possessions.. Fuck with mine and I'll kill you.. slow and painfully if possible. All my evil layed on thick like a Straight PB&J. But... My ability to be close.. to get involved in their lives.. to ask how their day was and actually fucking care what their answer is? (This is on a bad day mind you.. I have my manic swings as well) All except my daughter. I'll drop everything for her. But oh the horrid fantasies. The fears of every dad. I've had horrible fantasies of harm coming to her.. and I swear my skull will split. The rage and vengence I unleash in my head is astronomical. I should probably see someone about that.
Blah.. I'm done for now. Again.. my head hurts.. and I don't really feel any better about my life.
And for those that may choose to offer kind happy words...Save it. It WON'T get any better. Entropy is at work. Things don't get better in life.. they break down into chaos. If you want something better, you have to make it.. and I'm tired of trying. Just sooo very tired.
Thom
