Validation

[Woof-a-Doof]

Being new to the board here, I can only assume the flood of frustrating memories are more or less typical. The memories are riddled with lack of detail. I can guess that a large reason for this is the time seperating me from the experiences of that time period. Another guess would be that consumption of copiuos quantities of cannabis may also be a factor. A third possible reason would be that my brain is simply refusing to cooperate with my desire to take a look at significant chunk of my adolesence, which of course I know bled into my early adulthood and no doubt into my present mindset. I recall a saying/cliche that used to be said...."Thats OLD behavior" and I used to think to myself..."Well, if I am NOW doing what ever it is that is being called OLD behaviour, then it would be CURRENT behaviour"...Even early on in the game, I was all caught up in the semantics. I digress.

In the brief time I have been frequenting this board I have experienced a surge of what I will call "Up and coming memories". That is to say, that most of the experience has been purely emotional with glimpses of faces and circumstances. Steering these emotions, these fragmented memories has been an intense desire to purge. I had mentioned in a previous post (here or another site) that I had hoped not to be opening Pandoras Box. But as fate would have it, I do believe this has been the case. First line of defense has been to tell myself, "Fuck this, why would I wanna do this to myself...there is no clear outcome in dredging all this up...To hell with all this, this website, these people, blah blah blah etc etc etc"

On the other hand, I have never experienced such a sense of validation. Validation? But why would I need to be validated for my experience? I don't need to be reminded of the time spent in...hell. I don't need to be reminded of the sense of insecurity, a feeling of being "less-than" those who surround me. I don't need to have the enormious sense of loss brought up again, and again, and again. If this is the reality of the situation, fantasy and denial seems most comforting, thank you very much!

But what of this "validation" thing? This sense of "validation" is tangable, as evidenced by the countless hours I have spent reading and reading the accounts of the members of this board. The results of reading your experiences have have effected me in such a way that I can not fully begin to explain as of yet. But I will try to do so.

First of all, I must apologize for the word, "Validation". It conjours up the mental image of a parking gargage. Park, leave, pay for that time in the garage, recieve the receit and hand that receit to someone and  then be reembursed for that payment. It may not be the word I am looking for, but it points to the experience.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have worked in several facilities (Detox, Crisis Units and various psyhic units) since my time in Straight. From time to time it seemed appropriate to mention my time in Straight, both with patients and fellow professionals. Perhaps in my own passive/aggressive manner, this was my way of saying..."Please understand!". The responces from people never taught me that this was a good idea. The vast range of reactions went from silence to placated lip service, but never, NEVER did anyone say to me "Yeah, I know, I was there, I feel/felt the same way".

Sadly, in the Mental Health field my peers often not only privately viewed me differently, but also treated me differently. As if...'he is really no better than our patients'. How infuriating! Of course I am no better than the patients we served, that wasn't what it was all about...or was it? Wasn't it about assuring the heroin addict that I wouldn't allow his/her head to sink to the bottom of the toilet while they hurled thier guts out? Wasn't it about making sure the alcholic detoxing didn't have thier blood pressure blow a hole in the sides of an artery? Didn't helping people mean making sure the detoxing alcoholic's seizure was addressed immediately to assure the didnt' crack thier coconut on the concrete? Or was it more important to focus on the fact I was in Straight for almost 3 years? Was it important to negate my efforts in working with people because I was in Straight?

The stigma of once being in Straight while I worked in the Mental Health field was not short lived. The faces changed and the surroundings changed, the milleu changed...but the responce/reaction was always the same. Sometimes the responce/reaction was immediate, other times it came on more slowly, not unlike a malignate cancer growing and spreading. Because of my experience in Straight there would forever be eyebrows raised by powers that be in the Mental Health field...Those that knew what Straight was, hated and despised Straight, but had no real understanding of what myself and countless others endured. No one ever said, 'Wow, and you survived" and then tossed me a cookie. In my experience it was just the opposite.

Any logical individual that would hear & or read this might say: "Hey, why don't you just keep your mouth shut about it and play the game?" But then again I wasn't taught to be logical now was I. I was taught to be "honest". Yes, be as "honest" as I am capable of being and then search for how I could be more and more "honest" lest I suffer the wrath of....being confronted?

I believe my internal landscape is damaged beyond repair and I have no real hope that recovery is possible. I think that during THAT time my mind was like freshly poured concrete. The Straight experience was not unlike a bunch of children playing in that fresh cement. Craving initials and various symbols into the cement as it cured. Now hardened, the cement is impassable and a general eyesore (it certainly aint pretty). Not being a contractor, I don't know if this can be repaired or not. If my time during and after Straight has taught me anything, it would be that I am capable of enduring enourmous amount of pain for an incredible amount of time. Now thats something to be proud of huh? Yeah, right.

This past week has taught me, my experiences are no longer my own. To be sure, my exact experiences may not be like those of any other. Yet, the under current, the pulse, the nature of the experiences are not unlike any other here. I have always reserved the word "survivor" for victims of the Holocaust, Hiroshama, Natural Disastors, the sinking of the Titanic and September 11th 2001. I am now rethinking my definition of the word. I am now considering myself a "survivor". Certainly not discounting the experience of other types of "survivors", merely adding myself to thier ranks.

My experiences have been "validated", after all this time I am understood and I can say with 100% certainty, I understand.

These words, this writting and those to come are....

In Peace

(now it's time to curl up with the PS2 and a good first person shooter game and blow the shit out of something/someone...a very cathartic experience)

[85 Day Jerk]

Remember when Scott T. you and me and some others saw the Blues Brothers?  The part where the Penguin nun throws them down the stairs and says, "It saddens and hurts me to see the two boys I raised to believe in the 10 Commandments come back to me as Thieves, with filthy mouths and Bad Attitudes.........get out!!" "And do not return until you have REDEEMED yourselves!!!"

You are now more or less redeemed Mr. D and it seems only natural to seek out others who have been redeemed of the Straight experience.  All it took for me was to learn of the Conference (missed the first one by 3 days) and look up the websites.  There was a virtual flood of memories and some of my first posts had things a little scrambled in the time line.  Lo and behold not even 2 weeks went by and an old girl staffer came onto the board.  She gave Ginger Warbis some old photos and they were turned into a separate web page with music from Twin Peaks (my idea) and an area to leave comments.  I cried my eyes out the first time I logged onto it.  It was a moving experience, but the site got shut down awhile ago.  Maybe Ginger can dig it back up and run it for some of the late-comers.  You had to be provided with a password to get in, so the site was treated with a lot of reverence and respect.

Also, if you want to know how various people we knew are doing, just drop me a line and a list of names and I can tell you who and what I know.  As far as my own family goes, there is nothing to tell, I do not have anything to do with them.  If you wanna give me a call, feel free to do so.  My number is not in the book yet, but you can look up the number for Star Booty clothing shop and subtract 5 from the very last digit and that's my number.  Also, I would like to have a reunion in St. Pete if at all possible and have approached the owner of the State Theatre and he gave me a pretty decent price.  There are still an awful lot of ex-Straightlings in the Tampa Bay area and they have not stepped out from the shadows because no one has really given them any reason to.    I have to go, someone just yelled out for Guys Medication........ ::bigsmilebounce::  ::bangin::  :rofl:  :rofl:

[Woof-a-Doof]

I remember going to the Blues Brothers yeah, but I can't recall all who were there. I do remember Scott and I convincing my Mother and Father to go see the movie.

Redeemed/Validate, yeah i quess they are both about synominious (sp)...neither of them quite fitting the bill but they point in the right direction.

How does the "conference" thing work? I can only imagine it, at this particular point in time as being an extremely emotional event.

I was thinking about your writtings and then when you mentioned a website getting "shut down". Have you thought about a blog? A blog is cheap (free), simple and virtually perminate. In fact I have a blog set up for archiving my artwork. My own website tends to gwet swollen with images and I try and cull it...but at the same time dont want to remove the images from the web. The blogs can be set up for a single person to maintain it (images included) or set up for multiple people to contribute, very similar (although not exactly) like this or any other message board/list.

My blog as I have said serves as an archive, here is the address ( http://woof-a-doof.blogspot.com/ ) just to give ya an idea.

Not sure that I am up for discussion right now, but please don't remove your post...with it's triginometry instructions on decyphering your phone number (that just struck me as very funny)

[PerfectStraightling]

On 2004-09-25 08:26:00, Woof-a-Doof wrote:

"Any logical individual that would hear & or read this might say: "Hey, why don't you just keep your mouth shut about it and play the game?" But then again I wasn't taught to be logical now was I. I was taught to be "honest". Yes, be as "honest" as I am capable of being and then search for how I could be more and more "honest" lest I suffer the wrath of....being confronted?"

I know exactly what you are talking about. I have these same impulses, I should be honest etc..., but then when I think about it, I don't know why I even feel that way. Probably you are right, so I won't get confronted. That is some scary ass shit. What about (slowly) getting to know people? What about the fear of revealing too much to people  you don't know? Maybe that is what you have been learning through experiences like this. I have always been completely incapable of "playing the game" like what you were talking about. But what does "playing the game" even mean? Is it being phony, or is it self-protection? Or a little of both? As insane as straight was, it wasn't complex enough to deal with all the complexities of life.[ This Message was edited by: jane on 2004-09-28 08:46 ]