Sharing Feelings

[Anonymous]

One of my friends in the program graduated and I saw him outside. I had graduated months before him. He said to me something amusing:

"Sharing Feelings is bullshit."

"What do you mean, Josh?"

"It has absolutely nothing to do with recovery."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

I had to think about it for a minute. I hadn't quite figured this out yet and it was news to me.

I finally realized that he was right. If you've frequented AA or NA, they don't give a crap about feelings at all! If someone there shares feelings they get straightened out pretty quick and are told what to DO. Work the steps. Don't drink. Go to Meetings.

Because we were young, I think they just wanted to use emotions as manipulation. I rarely had any times in my past that I had much regret for doing drugs. I enjoyed it usually. So, through constant lying about my past, I rewrote it and eventually accepted a new take on the past, which was filled with intense heartache. But I never did really believe that it was so bad. I just told myself that it was time to "move on" more or less.

I don't think I genuinely cried over a time in my past. If I ever cried, it was because I was in Straight in the present.

"Sharing feelings is bullshit."

How enlightening.

[Carmel]

Yeah, looking back now....I think staff knew that we were having to really push hard and try to put on a good show of pain and regret about our past.  I can envision them laughing in the back of group about how full of shit some 1st phaser was standing up there whining about how bad his acid trip was.  

The very last time I shared about my past, I was talking about some time when I had gotten really trashed and ended up sleeping on the floor of this guy's apartment with him screaming at me to get out.  It really was kinda shitty, and all of a sudden...I did actually get really upset about the whole thing.  I cried a river, and it was genuinely unexpected.  Some fifth phase girl got called on and proceeded to rip me a new asshole up one side and down the other for not being ashamed ENOUGH, and regretful ENOUGH....blah blah blah.....after she sat down you could have heard a pin drop in the group room.  No one understood why she had gotten so hateful at me, I dont even think staff knew what to think....past raps werent traditionally rip raps, and this girl was from the LA group....I suppose that was common for them, but we were all stunned.  The Executive leading the rap just gaped at her and then told me to sit down.  Next story please, do not pass go, no bucks.

I never shared about my past again.[ This Message was edited by: Carmel on 2004-08-03 07:31 ]

[Anonymous]

Most of what the girls in Atlanta did was cry about sexual times in their past whether or not it was drug related. The "purist" 5th phasers acted pissed about this saying "you got here because you used drugs, could you share about a time in your past you did DRUGS?" (As if they really hated to hear about girls sexual pasts~whatever). But the staff often didn't care as long as there was pain and anguish over the past generally. If that was all they could cry about, then it was better than nothing. But that further illustrates my point about manipulation. We were in a drug rehab, not a shame rehab...or were we. Wow, I just had a revelation. It wasn't about drugs, Straight was about SHAME over ANYTHING AT ALL! Just cry, you druggies and whores, cry, cry, cry. Do this and you will live a healthy and full life eventually!

Yeah, it was pure manipulation and the foundation of their entire "program" of recovery. When I attended AA, they didn't get all into emotions. Why? Because, they wouldn't have gone for it. They would rather stay drunk than share times in their pasts as grown men! But we were just young enough to be manipulated. Sick. Let's see, where is my vomit bowl...here it is...Ralph!