I was refering to my older son who spent 6 months with some very sadistic human beings in a military facility.
Three years later, I was dealing with a terribly hurt young man at home and my younger son was sent to do 9 months at a different, religious, military facility; followed by 20 months at a therapeutic facility. Not ONE crisis, not ONE mess to clean up, but two happening simultaneously. There were days that I didn't think I'd get through it. I did so with not 'a little help' but a whole lot of help from friends and family.
All three facilities were similar and different in distinct ways. My older son did endure more physical abuse. The emotional abuse was fairly equal at all three.
The marine academy my older son attended settled with 50 some plantiffs last year. My younger son's dorm officer is serving 95 years for molesting the boys in his care. The facility had another molestation case recently. We've taken no action against the third. But, that's three stikes. How can it be possible that out of three placements, three seperate facilties, they were all horrendously bad experiences? My conclusion is that they're all abusive, in different and varying degrees. Most parents just never hear about it.
And then there was my neighbor's son who died in a wilderness program, after ample warning of the dangers. And a business associate's grandson who was molested at a baptist boarding school. And my best friend who was shipped off to Roloff gulag, ran and was raped by a trucker- she swears it was less traumatic. And I used to feel sorry for my friends whose wealthy parents sent them away to traditional boarding schools. Little did I know what that industry was being morphed into. I got all the education would could possibly desire.
The marine military academy used all the same rhetoric, "they're lying manipulators'. I never bought it but the others did, UNTIL a young man's throat was cut in the night. Parents then took notice and listened to what their kids were saying. Calls weren't monitored at either military facility, btw. They all attempted to prevent visitation. The military facilities relented when I sent them a letter reminding them (I'm sure they knew), that my court ordered rights superceeded their policies.
None of us ever 'came to terms' with it. We endured the very best we could, and kept our focus on the future, which was damned hard at time. Sometimes there was nothing else to do but cry. I fought it and supported them the best I could, realizing that the real work would begin when they returned.
Because I'd always had a close and open relationship with the boys, they knew I was not party to the decision. They also knew that none of their extended family supported it. I think that's what they hung on to- the assurance that they had one reasonable parent. I do think that makes a difference. And I can only imagine how it must feel to have both parents supporting the abuse.
There aren't words to describe how I felt when my younger son was placed four states away, over a weekend. I assumed he was at the military school and I'd see him on the weekend. I got a call on a Monday morning from a perfect stranger, laying out the 'way it would be' for the next 20 months. It was the closest I'd ever come to wanting to hurt someone. My first thought was, "The f*** you say. Where is my son? I'm on my way". Given the nature of the beast, I decided it was in my best interest to try to reason with the arrogant ***. It didn't work. Dealing with PhD psych 'professionals' was very different than the military boys. The psychs were unrelenting, unreasonable, manipulating, arrogant, shameless liars. A very real threat. Despite my best efforts to contain the rage I felt, their head shrinkydink did eventually label me 'adversarial'- not supportive of the 'treatment' my son 'needed', and falsely accused me of 'disrupting the ENTIRE campus', and threatened my with a lawsuit.
It was the most frustrating and humiliating experience- like living in a nightmare that lasted 6 years. One I could never have imagined possible. I'm sure I am in a small percentage of parents, in that I did not support any of the placements.
Having taken some psych/counseling courses the whole setup of the 'program' was confusing beyond comprehension. They claimed to be a therapeutic facility, yet their behavior was no better, and in some instances far worse, than either of the military facilities. Their 'counseling' or 'therapy' was like noting I'd ever experienced or read about- except for the misuse of BM. It didn't take long to realize that these folks were in it for the money. They had no vested interest in my son. They diagnosed him on the spot- unetical. Never asked me for MY perception of my child or what OUR relationship was like. (I wasn't writing the check) They may as well have been holding my son hostage for $5000 a month ransom.
My ex is pretty out-to-lunch on these kind of matters. He has lots of money and connections, and not a lick of common sense. After the grief I put the first two facilities through, I imagine he hoped I'd support the later placement. Afterall, I was in a counseling program. He has declined to read my older son's evaluation, which was a necessary evil, required by his attorney for the lawsuit. Other than disagreeing with some of their treatment recommendations, I completely concurred with the analysis.
The boys don't talk to their dad about their experiences. They both know it is pointless, he just can't go there. I know that if he'd show any interest, it would go along way toward them 'coming to terms with it', as you say. They are much stronger and wiser than he, and know it. I can rest assured, their children will never be sent away. The cycle of 'families of origin scattering like pool balls', to use Ginger's analogy, will end with their generation. To my ex's defense, he wasn't raised in a close family. We view the world very differently, and he is not fully to blame for his lack of connection.
I appreciated this comment: "I escaped CEDU after 6 months and was still (unconsciously) trying to live "in agreement." Worse, I judged everyone else by that same code which only isolated me."
That's a good summary statement of what happens to kids in programs. Those few words speak volumes. It's equivalent to, or perhaps worse than, living with a religious fanatic parent who instills the fear of god- the all knowing one who is watching and judging your every thought and action. It's like a monkey on your back, until you figure out you can knock the SOB off. One is conditioned to abuse themselves. That's the way oppression works. When you oppress someone long enough, they internalize it and begin to treat themselves badly. External control is no longer necessary. Sick, I say, sick. And they pride themselves in being "HELPERS". The question is, whose helpers?
