On 2004-03-28 15:45:00, confused wrote:
"I'm a mother with a 17 yr son (18 in August). He will be "graduating" from Wilderness in Utah in 2 weeks. We still don't have a school for him to go to! His therapist says he has improved so much and he thinks to continue improving that he needs to be in 12mo. emot.growth school. I have a school consultant. We were steered to NWA because it fit his niche agewise and needing to graduate in 2005, etc. Only after talking to them for half hour did we finally get it that he wasn't leaving their sides until he was done. We can only visit on campus, every 3mos or so and if he's good eventually he could leave campus with us. She said kids don't want to leave even when 18 because they are so happy there. Really worries me a lot. Then we were told about Summit Preparatory School in Montana. Apparently family can visit more often and more flexible. Does anybody have any experience with this school?"
If he's doing so much better, have you considered trying him back at home with a good family therapist on an outpatient basis?
Or does he *want* to go?
You really should ask, since he'll be 18 in August. This close to majority, if he doesn't want to go and you send him, you could lose him.
If he doesn't want to go and you don't want him home, have you considered whether he could live with friends or other family members?
Teens have natural conflicts with their parents, some of which there's good reason to believe are biologically hardwired. He may function better living with friends or family.
If he doesn't want to go and wants to pursue the option of early emancipation as a minor, you might consider letting him get a job in something like construction where he can make good summer money starting off with youthful vigor and not much initial skill---you may be able to help him find an apartment or room for rent that's in a major city, with construction work, on a busline.
You could help with therapy expenses or tuition and books for higher ed---get him started on independence with some limited assistance to ease him out onto his own.
Work in the real world has tremendous powers towards maturing a young adult, beyond those of any program.
I'm not saying don't send him to a boarding school he wants to go to. I'm saying if he doesn't want to go, if you want to keep your relationship with him, you really need to explore other options with him.
Five months from now, he's not just going to forget all about it if you make a decision for him, now, that isn't the one he as an adult would have made for himself.
Adults remember how they were treated as kids. Most of the time, the things a teenager was upset about you deciding for them, they *don't* "thank you for it later."
When I've seen parents make major life choices for their teens the teen didn't agree with (beyond not giving the teen as much money or stuff as he/she wanted), at least 90% of the time the former teen as an adult has disagreed with that decision for life and it has had major permanent negative effects on the relationship between the parent and the grown child.
"You'll thank me for this later," in the absolute best better judgement of the parent, works for dealing with two year olds----it is almost *never* true of dealings with a teen.
"You'll still hate me for this forty years from now, although you may still maintain at least a guarded relationship with me" is usually far, far more accurate.
At seventeen and a half, if he'd rather move out than go to boarding school, you will regret it for the rest of your life, bitterly, if you don't let him.
