Author Topic: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???  (Read 13984 times)

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Offline Samara

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #30 on: February 21, 2011, 02:58:02 AM »
OK -  I did not get a chance to read your last post before sending my last post. This issue is more complex. I still would not send him to Hyde.  I highly recommend The Defiant Child for his anger/frustration/defiance with Delivered for ADD skills.  In fact, the doctor who wrote The Defiant Child is very compassionate. If you email him from the site, I would not be surprised if he e-mails you back with some ideas.

Are you the only target for your child's violent anger? It's not uncommon for Moms to get the brunt because they know Moms are unconditional. The reason I ask is because I am wonder if your spouse and another caretaker can take over for a few days. It might help you need to get away for a few days to rest, and then a few more days to research, make calls, go to the library, etc. AWAY from the turmoil. You might need a mental vacation to give yourself the emotional space to cope and strategize.

The problem with reaching a crisis point where you no longer feel safe is that it is easy to make rash decisions. I am sure your son is going through emotional hell as well - it never feels good to be out of control.We all want our children to develop good coping skills for emotional resilience and practical living.  It is just very tricky terrain.  Try The Defiant Child.I sincerely wish you and your son the best of luck; I know there are options and there are smart, thoughtful people on this board who may have some good ideas.

Ideas, anyone?
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Offline molly

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #31 on: February 21, 2011, 03:04:48 AM »
Hi Samara,

My husband and I have both read Driven by Distraction and we gained a lot of understanding from it.  We have not read The Defiant Child but I am going to order it from Amazon now.  Thank you so much for the suggestion.

Molly
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Offline Samara

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #32 on: February 21, 2011, 03:28:28 AM »
I think that Delivered from Distraction is better than his first book Driven because it offers more solutions.  One of my kids is younger but not really easy. He has improved a lot in the past few years, but The Defiant Child helped me not to treat him as a problem, and to think of us all on the same team. It takes a lot of personal discipline on my part to maintain a level of calm as a stressed single Mother, but it has helped with consistent use. I read it after my son punched me in the arm. He did it once and hasn't done it again, but I do notice the book helped me to deal with him more effectively and not fall into an adversarial trap.  I've done other things too to help him, but the book was instrumental in helping me change my approach and perspective, and realizing that certain response  patterns were not working so why cling to them?

Lots and lots of kids deal with these issues, and most don't go to programs.  Many eventually come out of it, and it may be a rough ride for awhile.  I can't tell you how many kids have loving relationships with their parents after some hellish years, so, don't get attached to negative future outcomes. Just say, today is a challenge. How can I meet it best?
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Offline none-ya

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #33 on: February 21, 2011, 04:00:30 AM »
Molly wrote:
"I stumbled upon a forum here that is primarily for people who have been terribly hurt by their educational experiences".

I don't think any of the survivors here consider their program an "educational experience". No more than jail or a mental hospital is an "educational experience". If you put him in a program you might not have him back at home until He's 18.
Remember these places reserve the right to "start" over or "shoot down"anyone at any time for any reason. You need to find survivors from Hyde, who are no longer afiliated with the program, whom the place can't hurt anymore and ask them.
Anybody who is still in the program and badmouths it ,is sure to be punished. Surely your not so nieve that you can't see that. Again, does He know what your'e planning? I guarantee He will hate you for it.

molly wrote:
"My husband and I have both read Driven by Distraction and we gained a lot of understanding from it."

You two should read Help at any cost by Maia Szalavits. Or rent Over the GW.
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Offline molly

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #34 on: February 21, 2011, 10:08:20 AM »
I've never heard of Delivered From Distraction but I'll find it and read it.  I have read a number of books by Ned Hallowell including When You Worry About the Child You Love and Positively ADD.

My son does know that we have been considering Hyde.  He, in fact, completed part of the application.  The only thing that has upset him about the place is the dress code and the fact that he would not be allowed to dye his hair.
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Offline none-ya

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #35 on: February 21, 2011, 10:16:29 AM »
Quote from: "molly"
Hi Samara,

My husband and I have both read Driven by Distraction and we gained a lot of understanding from it.  We have not read The Defiant Child but I am going to order it from Amazon now.  Thank you so much for the suggestion.

Molly

First you did and now you didn't?
????
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Offline Samara

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #36 on: February 21, 2011, 10:28:12 AM »
Maia's book is a great place to start if you are still considering programs.  Maia's background is journalism and she has stellar credentials.  She takes an objective, investigative approach. It's just that it didn't lead to a promising place for programs. I read the book awhile ago and loaned it to someone else before I completed it,and hopefully, she included alternative solutions.  I know she clearly addresses program cons and deficiencies. If you are still thinking of programs, this is the book to read. The author is not a crackpot, alarmist sensationalist. I believe she also has compassion for parents who feel their families are in crisis. Guys - I'm trying to remember if Maia has a list of other resources to pursue at the end of the book.  For some reason, I think she does.

There are a million ways to do that without a program, but it is hard to keep your head together in the midst of chaos. That is why you have to let go of fear and control while also meeting issues head on.  All I know is that power struggles do NOT work.  It is hard to let your ego go as a parent, because frankly, when your kid is acting like a pain in the ass brat, you want to pull the authority card, but the one book illustrates very clearly that your kid will never be on board with this approach.  I've just had some good results with it.  It's gotten to the point will my kid can evaluate his own actions and choices and take responsibility and even make difficult choices because he knows it is better for him - but I also work hard not to invalidate his feelings even when I am making parental choices he doesn't love. But if you ask him, he'll tell you that my expectations are reasonable and fair.

The thing about parenting is there is no cure-all. It's just progress, not perfection, and progress is not a straight trajectory. It dips and climbs.

The dress code and dying your hair is NOTHING. That will be the least of his concerns if he is sent there.  Please read Maia's book if you can. At least do this.the younger the kid is that goes to these places, the harder it is fro them to sort out the kool aid later.  If you e-mail Maia, she might respond.
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Offline molly

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #37 on: February 21, 2011, 10:38:31 AM »
Thanks, Samara.  I will read Maia's book.  In terms of the Hallowell books, what I wrote is that I have read Driven to Distraction but not Delivered from Distraction.
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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #38 on: February 21, 2011, 07:35:27 PM »
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Offline Awake

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #39 on: February 21, 2011, 09:36:02 PM »
molly


I would be very wary of any program that uses mandatory group therapy or uses group pressures for conformity, and I think there are several reasons that it carries with it a high risk of being harmful to your child as well as being utilized as a powerful tool of coercion by staff, something that can be very hard to identify by a novice outside observer. I think it is worth considering that if therapy does not help your child it is going to actually harm him. Depending on the nature and intensity of the therapy the effects may be negligible, or the damage done could last a lifetime and destroy your relationship, but do not assume that if it doesn’t work it will result in ‘no change’. Another point of concern is that it is not the child’s option to participate in therapy, it will be forced upon him, and lack of progress may come with punishment, shaming, which might exacerbate current issues, inhibit their resolution, and even create new issues.  Troubled teen programs have an incredibly, incredibly disturbing history of employing coercive tactics and experimental therapies.  If you see a possibility where the program could be motivating peer pressures, and those pressures can be used as motivation to achieve individual therapeutic goals, if you see that therapeutic progress is held in the context of peer group progress through level systems, then my advice is to not take a chance. It is not worth it.



To switch gears a bit here, I may have some advice that you may want to look into. I was also diagnosed add when I was young and went through the gamut of prescriptions. Take this for what it is, but as an adult looking back on it all, I think it is either pretty easy to misdiagnose, and/or the diagnosis itself and the search for treatment can be more problematic to overcome than the add itself and just letting the child learn to deal with it naturally, just personally.  



That said I do recognize that you may need to keep exploring alternatives here.  My advice is to look into Landmark College in VT, I don’t know if you can find something quite like this for minors but maybe they know of some that work in a similar way. It is academically focused but will incorporate learning disability issues like add into the process. Actually I think it would provide huge advantages in getting accepted at other colleges. It is not focused on solving behavior issues, just very structured, but also very flexible in considering individual needs in academic learning. It is less a group thing and the daily learning schedule is structured individually, as stated they have the highest faculty to student ratio in the country. I know your son may not be old enough to go yet, but I think you should look anyways and call them and see if they can point you in a good direction. Maybe it will lead you toward better options, hopefully some you can find at home. (Unless he wants a change of environment).   I would prefer to see that any sort of therapy is individual and optional, and that the structuring of time is not dominated by group building excercises, but by academics, and a healthy amount of free time.  Anyways, I feel this is a far better environment than Hyde by comparison, so just thought I’d offer.  

  http://www.landmark.edu/index.cfm


.
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Offline mlg81

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #40 on: February 21, 2011, 10:06:15 PM »
I can almost guarantee your sons therapist is being paid by Hyde schools.  Molly, I work in child welfare, and I have seen the damage that residential treatment and boarding schools have done.  Experts in the child welfare system say that no child should be removed from the home unless its absolutely necessary.  Try In home services first before you make any decisions. Also, find another therapist, because this one sounds very unethical.
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Offline Paul St. John

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #41 on: February 22, 2011, 01:01:44 PM »
Molly, I skimmed through this thread just now... My previous answer was just "No.".  I like being direct, and that is in fact the right answer.

A lot of people have made inferences about your child's therapist, and they are probably right about them, too.  Either way, I would probably look around for someone else.  ADHD and misbehavior- " Okay send him to Hyde"  That kinda scares me. There is nothing wrong with shopping around, and there are counselors out there who could be far more helpful, and you would look back and be very glad that you did not listen to this guy.

My personal opinion is that you should start from scratch.  If this guy had not brought it up, there never would have been an issue, about sending your kid to a treatment center. I would say, do your own research.  There is a lot you can do to help your child on your own.

Paul St. John
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Offline molly

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #42 on: February 22, 2011, 01:35:13 PM »
Dear Everyone,

I am so grateful for your insightful responses and all of the care that you have shown to my family.  As a result of all that has been written in this thread, my husband and I are no longer pursuing Hyde.  We have considered boarding school to be the last resort--one to provide a safety net should our son be asked to leave his current school.  We don't want to send our son away.  He does have very severe neuropsych challenges according to a recognized expert who sees prescribing meds to be a last resort and yet prescribed them for my son because "he is bouncing off the walls."  My son has ADHD and executive function issues according to a very thorough (and expensive) neuropsych exam which, just to be safe, we are repeating.  We've tried to put as many supports in place as we can afford:  therapy (individual and family), coaching and tutoring.  We are not wealthy people.  Not by a long stretch.  For example:  I've been to one movie in three years and I buy my clothing in thrift shops.  Because he is so bright, he is on partial scholarship at the school he attends but he is holding onto his matriculation by his fingertips because he will not study.  Hyde did not promise us a specific amount of assistance but indicated that there is financial aid available.

We still think that we need a school out of our city as a safety net.  My son has an extremely high IQ and is gifted in writing (he's been published), the visual arts and, especially, music.  If possible, we would like to find a boarding school in the middle-Atlantic or New England areas but we are open to other parts of the country as well.  Does anyone have a suggestion of a boarding school for a kid entering the 9th grade?  No regional public school, except the most marginal and dangerous, is willing to accept him.

Thanks for your kindness and understanding.

Molly
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Offline RTP2003

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #43 on: February 22, 2011, 02:16:13 PM »
Quote from: "molly"
Dear Everyone,

  As a result of all that has been written in this thread, my husband and I are no longer pursuing Hyde.  

That is a good decision.  You may have saved your relationship with your son, his sanity, and possibly his life by your decision to eliminate Hyde as an option.



Quote

Thanks for your kindness and understanding.

Molly

Thank you for your open mindedness and willingness to listen to survivors of Hyde and similar programs.  You exhibit a degree of clear headed thinking that many parents in your situation seem to be unwilling to exercise, or incapable of manifesting.  

Too often, shills for the teen torture industry are able to convince parents to write off the experiences that we as survivors have endured at places such as Hyde, by slandering us as "disgruntled junkies, hell-bent on ruining the good name of (insert teen torture camp name here)".  

I wish you and your family all the best,

RTP2003
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Offline molly

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #44 on: February 22, 2011, 02:20:55 PM »
Dear RTP2003,

Thank you for your kind wishes.  I hope that you did not personally endure abusive treatment at a school like Hyde, although your note suggests that you are coming from a place of sorry experience.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I hope so.

Molly
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