Author Topic: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???  (Read 15835 times)

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Offline Inculcated

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2011, 01:55:56 AM »
Oh, for f* sake …I’m actually appalled. How is it possible that I am still so able to be routinely disgusted as if surprised by what takes place in these places?

I bought the hyde-hype assuming that terminating him would’ve been the reasonable thing to do (even if not for ethics).

Well, there you have it Molly...when it comes to Hyde School no news is good news.
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Offline Samara

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2011, 11:41:53 AM »
Molly,

If your kid gets sent to Hyde, he will not be able to advocate for himself.  You will not get him out once he is there. He will drink the Kool aid as a matter of emotional survival, believing he is worse than he is. The program is particularly gifted at manipulating kids and parents into feeling the kid will be deadinsaneorinjail to keep the resident.  I've seen this happen personally many, many times including with me.  The level of pressure is so great you admit things far worse than you ever did in order to level up and escape the constant harassment and barrage.  The parents begin to view the school as the authority, and abdicate their own including their own intuition. The school will also give you a very false sense of treatment modality.  They may tell you he is getting individual therapy, but its really one-size-fits-all BS. When parents waffle, the program is excellent at reeling them back in using fear based techniques.  You will begin to see your kid not as who he really is, but who the program says he is. Your kid will, too, and when he graduates, he will say that right things and be scared straight for a period, but inside feel a profound sense of dislocation and later fall apart. there are no longitudinal studies fro a reason. Testimonies are from recent grads and I've known a lot of former "recent grads" who drank the kool aid and sold the school and wanted to vomit once the kool aid wears off.

When you visit the school, you will get the PR tour.  

Therapists often make recommendations based on brochures and websites and marketing (and kickbacks for some)... but they don't know. You have no idea how effective these programs are at marketing their PR tour.  I can't tell you how many former kids at my old program and other programs wanted to yell "RUN!" to prospective visitors but a special kind of hell, ostracization, and group attacks would occur if any of us ever contradicted the program. Heck, we even had to lie to ourselves to get by. We learned we even had to do the whole "this program saved my life" with our parents, too.

Find a better therapist who is committed to helping our your family - not warehousing your kid. Learn new skills at communicating.  My kid is a precocious, sensitive, oppositional kid and when I change my approach and stick to it, I see the benefits. Take the initiative and research options for YOU to change your style. Don't make it fear or worry based. One of the things that helped me as a mother is to realize I can't control everything, just me, and to try new approaches and do what I can, but not to live in fear or worry. We talk a lot about choices in my family and that I will guide them, but ultimately, they make choices; their choices net good, bad or neutral outcomes.  

Clearly, what you are doing doesn't work, but instead of outsourcing your kid, change your approaches.

If there is any part of you that is resistant to programs, do not bend to your spouse. This is too important.  

I will say that one of the things that helped me attending a private school (NOT A "THERAPEUTIC" school) that was college prep but alternative with university professors. The atmosphere was more conducive to pursuing real inquiry and open discussion over conformist, industrial education. Maybe your kid has a creative or athletic bent.  There may be schools that play to his strengths and interests.

Good luck.
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Offline Paul St. John

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2011, 01:45:44 PM »
Quote
PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???

No.
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Offline Zippie12

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thanks...
« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2011, 04:36:59 PM »
thanks, that helped me a lot!    
regards,          
chantal
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Offline heretik

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2011, 05:23:27 PM »
Quote from: "Samara"
Molly,

If your kid gets sent to Hyde, he will not be able to advocate for himself.  You will not get him out once he is there. He will drink the Kool aid as a matter of emotional survival, believing he is worse than he is. The program is particularly gifted at manipulating kids and parents into feeling the kid will be deadinsaneorinjail to keep the resident.  I've seen this happen personally many, many times including with me.  The level of pressure is so great you admit things far worse than you ever did in order to level up and escape the constant harassment and barrage.  The parents begin to view the school as the authority, and abdicate their own including their own intuition. The school will also give you a very false sense of treatment modality.  They may tell you he is getting individual therapy, but its really one-size-fits-all BS. When parents waffle, the program is excellent at reeling them back in using fear based techniques.  You will begin to see your kid not as who he really is, but who the program says he is. Your kid will, too, and when he graduates, he will say that right things and be scared straight for a period, but inside feel a profound sense of dislocation and later fall apart. there are no longitudinal studies fro a reason. Testimonies are from recent grads and I've known a lot of former "recent grads" who drank the kool aid and sold the school and wanted to vomit once the kool aid wears off.

When you visit the school, you will get the PR tour.  

Therapists often make recommendations based on brochures and websites and marketing (and kickbacks for some)... but they don't know. You have no idea how effective these programs are at marketing their PR tour.  I can't tell you how many former kids at my old program and other programs wanted to yell "RUN!" to prospective visitors but a special kind of hell, ostracization, and group attacks would occur if any of us ever contradicted the program. Heck, we even had to lie to ourselves to get by. We learned we even had to do the whole "this program saved my life" with our parents, too.

Find a better therapist who is committed to helping our your family - not warehousing your kid. Learn new skills at communicating. My kid is a precocious, sensitive, oppositional kid and when I change my approach and stick to it, I see the benefits. Take the initiative and research options for YOU to change your style. Don't make it fear or worry based. One of the things that helped me as a mother is to realize I can't control everything, just me, and to try new approaches and do what I can, but not to live in fear or worry. We talk a lot about choices in my family and that I will guide them, but ultimately, they make choices; their choices net good, bad or neutral outcomes.  

Clearly, what you are doing doesn't work, but instead of outsourcing your kid, change your approaches.

If there is any part of you that is resistant to programs, do not bend to your spouse. This is too important.  

I will say that one of the things that helped me attending a private school (NOT A "THERAPEUTIC" school) that was college prep but alternative with university professors. The atmosphere was more conducive to pursuing real inquiry and open discussion over conformist, industrial education. Maybe your kid has a creative or athletic bent.  There may be schools that play to his strengths and interests.

Good luck.

 :tup:  :tup:  :tup:
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Offline molly

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2011, 10:36:31 PM »
I greatly appreciate everyone's response.  It looks like Hyde-Woodstock is a nefarious place and, hence, my family will no longer pursue it as an option.  I'm wondering if anyone knows if Hyde-Bath (the school with which my son's therapist has familiarity) is of the same dark ilk?  Should I consider that branch of Hyde or stike Hyde in its entirety from consideration?

Since I never knew until yesterday that the "troubled teen industry" existed, the question that follows might seem quite naive.  Still, I hope that anyone reading this will bear with me because it will involve revealing far more information than I had hoped to reveal and because I am seeking the solution that might best benefit my son and our family.  What I chose not to post is that my son is on his last option in our community in terms of day schooling.  He is extremely bright but he does not do his homework or study.  He had been violent with both my husband and me up until a few months ago.  Some days he has friends, some days he does not.  He appears to be addicted to the internet.  He has ADHD which has been described as severe.  I believe that my son does have a conscience and, occasionally, he allows me to get close to him.  I love him deeply.  His therapist and the schools he has attended say that he needs more structure than we are capable of providing him at home.  While I do not want to send him away, I am sadly considering that this might be his best option.  Now for my question:  should it be the case that he gets kicked out of the school he is now in, where might I send him that is healing and that would befit a sensitive but lost kid?

I greatly appreciate everyone's help.
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Offline molly

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #21 on: February 20, 2011, 10:40:05 PM »
I forgot to add that my son is artistically gifted.  Also, sorry about all of the misspellings and grammatical errors in my previous post.  It is hard to read what I'm typing through tears.
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Offline none-ya

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2011, 11:27:15 PM »
Quote from: "molly"
I greatly appreciate everyone's response.  It looks like Hyde-Woodstock is a nefarious place and, hence, my family will no longer pursue it as an option.  I'm wondering if anyone knows if Hyde-Bath (the school with which my son's therapist has familiarity) is of the same dark ilk?  Should I consider that branch of Hyde or stike Hyde in its entirety from consideration?

Since I never knew until yesterday that the "troubled teen industry" existed, the question that follows might seem quite naive.  Still, I hope that anyone reading this will bear with me because it will involve revealing far more information than I had hoped to reveal and because I am seeking the solution that might best benefit my son and our family.  What I chose not to post is that my son is on his last option in our community in terms of day schooling.  He is extremely bright but he does not do his homework or study.  He had been violent with both my husband and me up until a few months ago.  Some days he has friends, some days he does not.  He appears to be addicted to the internet.  He has ADHD which has been described as severe.  I believe that my son does have a conscience and, occasionally, he allows me to get close to him.  I love him deeply.  His therapist and the schools he has attended say that he needs more structure than we are capable of providing him at home.  While I do not want to send him away, I am sadly considering that this might be his best option.  Now for my question:  should it be the case that he gets kicked out of the school he is now in, where might I send him that is healing and that would befit a sensitive but lost kid?

I greatly appreciate everyone's help.


Why do you have to send your son away at all?  Don't you think he's gonna' hate you for that? He's your son. If you put him in someone elses hands,you do him no good. It doesn't matter what program you choose. Or can't you read?
If he's that gifted, then send him to an art scool. There are no positive testimonials of any treatment programs here. If you can aford to send him away, then it sounds like money is not an issue here. Use it wisely and find another option.
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Offline none-ya

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #23 on: February 20, 2011, 11:32:16 PM »
ps. for Molly
You need to read the Wayne Kerncohan book.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Life-Go ... 8161820497
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Offline Samara

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #24 on: February 20, 2011, 11:53:28 PM »
The Hyde programs are ALL the same. Screw programs. Seriously.  Be creative. And dump your dumb ass therapist who thinks warehousing is the answer. Build on his strengths.  Maybe find an ADD counselor who specializes in helping him build tools/strategies. Don't treat him like a problem. Lead with love and not with fear.
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Offline none-ya

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #25 on: February 21, 2011, 12:35:14 AM »
Quote from: "Samara"
The Hyde programs are ALL the same. Screw programs. Seriously.  Be creative. And dump your dumb ass therapist who thinks warehousing is the answer. Build on his strengths.  Maybe find an ADD counselor who specializes in helping him build tools/strategies. Don't treat him like a problem. Lead with love and not with fear.


You said it much nicer than I did.
AMEN!!
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Offline Ursus

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #26 on: February 21, 2011, 12:51:13 AM »
Quote from: "molly"
I greatly appreciate everyone's response. It looks like Hyde-Woodstock is a nefarious place and, hence, my family will no longer pursue it as an option. I'm wondering if anyone knows if Hyde-Bath (the school with which my son's therapist has familiarity) is of the same dark ilk? Should I consider that branch of Hyde or stike Hyde in its entirety from consideration?
Bath begat Woodstock. If anything, it has even more skeletons in its closet, having accumulated them for a longer period of time.

Samara is right. The two campuses are essentially the same, with but small variation depending on the mix of people at any given time. Admins and faculty sometimes switch campuses, and I seem to remember hearing, about a year or two ago, that they were planning to implement switching the students around on some regular basis to make the two campuses more cohesive (all part of that "Hyde experience"). There may also have been other motivations for this musical chairs scenario. Whether this plan actually got off the ground, I have no idea.

Quote from: "molly"
Now for my question: should it be the case that he gets kicked out of the school he is now in, where might I send him that is healing and that would befit a sensitive but lost kid?
Have you considered the possibility of him taking a year or two off from school until he can get his act together or grows out of his funk? Presuming it's feasible (I don't know what the laws are in your state, not to mention your son's age), he'd graduate high school a year or two later than he would normally, but that's hardly the end of the world.

Ideally, he'd have to hold down a job during that interim while not in school, and perhaps paying you a small stipend for his room and board. That might help him focus, give him some positive feedback in holding down that job, and motivation to finish his schooling since the job prospects without a high school diploma have a rather low ceiling as far as hourly wages go.

Just a thought, fwiw, which may or may not be appropriate in your case...
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Offline none-ya

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #27 on: February 21, 2011, 01:20:44 AM »
Molly,
Does your know what you are planning?
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Offline molly

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #28 on: February 21, 2011, 02:03:06 AM »
Thank you to all who have responded.

My 13-year-old, 8th grade son cannot be out of school according to state laws.  The therapist he is seeing is an ADD therapist.   We've run out of educational options (both public and private) except for a school where extremely dangerous kids are warehoused and which is rife with substance abuse and violence that includes an occasional knifing.  I'm not leaving any stone unturned.  Besides Hyde, the therapist has suggested hospitalization because of my son's temper.  While it has not happened in several months, he has beaten me severely.  I am smaller than he is and I cannot defend myself from him.  

I am most certainly not a bot.  I am a despondent mom.  I think that by accident I stumbled upon a forum here that is primarily for people who have been terribly hurt by their educational experiences.  I thank everyone for their caring responses and wish everyone the best.

Molly
« Last Edit: February 21, 2011, 02:59:34 AM by molly »

Offline Samara

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Re: PLEASE HELP!!! Should I send my son to Hyde???
« Reply #29 on: February 21, 2011, 02:34:12 AM »
One problem a lot of these therapeutic (which is a BS marketing term) "schools" have is that they overstructure  not only your time but also your mind to such an extent that you CANNOT duplicate it in the real world and then you fall apart.  The program's structure is NOT real world structuring.  In the program I went to, every single second was accounted for down to shower minutes. Every second was taxed by "emotional" work (which was just crazy psychodramas that are discarded by real therapists) and chores and hard physical labor from the early am to bed time.  You were so emotionally and physically spent you actually could sleep at night on a regular schedule.  Sounds good, right? Well, no, every person I knew fell apart afterward because in the real world, you don't participate in heavy group psychodramas for four hours every other day right after four hours of running a mile and back several times chopping wood, hauling wood, sawing branches, etc...It's hard to explain. Even your "non working time" was not free time because it was really an extended period of social indoctrination.   But real life imposes its own structure when you work.  In a program, they are not only taking inventory of your time, but your thoughts and feelings. And not in a good, reflective way.  In any event, one of the biggest immediate issues by far was that kids fell apart in the real world because program structure is NOT analogous to the structure of daily living and responsibilities. Kid leave and are at a TOTAL loss. The program ultimately disempowers the kids.
There is also no opportunity to learn from mistakes because you were always terrified.

So the "give your kid the structure he needs" is one of big bowl of therapeutic malarkey.

Read Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction - books by a top doc with ADD. It is more solution oriented -especially the last one.

Another good book is The Defiant Child by Jeffrey Bernstein. The title is a bit of a misnomer in many ways because its really about parents changing their approaches and making loving choices  (not to be confused with enabling) over fear based choices.  Some of the skills are counter-intuitive but work with consistency.  It's not an ADD book, but it does help with approach and perspective.
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