I appreciate the continuance of this discusion!
Alot of things have been mentioned and at this hour of the morning it may be difficult for me to get a firm grasp of all that has been said...and then put it to words.
Which brings up yet another point. Whilst writting my responce to Antigen, I felt as if I "had to choose my words very carefully, so as not to piss anyone off or to write anything that may be turned around and used against me. Like Antigen said, this I think has it's roots firmly embedded in my time from Straight. The epicenter of this hesitancy is a direct result from fears related to confrontation. So, as I was writting about anger/rage against Straight...I was/am experiancing it as I typed out the words. I didn't think about it untill later in the day. But it is a perfect example of what I believe we are talking about.
Also after some further thought, it occured to me that people/events that bring about this anger is directly preportional to the importance I give to them. Could it be possible that, the people/events, perhaps are actually very neutral. That is, in and of themselves they have no meaning.
For example, Staff Member (A) arrives in this forum. Staff Member (A) was not in power during my incarceration. So, they are to a large extent, meaningless. There are no angry emotions associated with them...and all is "good". Enter Staff Member (B), who was in power during my time at Straight. An influx of memories swarm my brain, times remembering them standing me up, starting me over, refreshers, confrontations all engulf my entire thought process.
Now, to another member of this forum, Staff Member (B) who wasnt in power during thier time at Straight. So to them thier presence may be a benign (sp) experience. On the other hand I would be livid. So, which is it. Is Staff Member (B) in fact a neutral memory, and remains that way untill I beging attaching memories to them and the anger has now a foothold and can grow in an unrestricted manner?
I think if that is the case, then Antigens idea of "understanding" has potenial. But that leaves the question of insecurities, as I mentioned earlier. I don't think that I conciously conjure up this kinda thing. Instinct I believe is about the only thing that is faster than learned fears, real or imagined.
Nonconformistlaw brought about the idea that there is a notion that I have to "pressure" myself into this idea of forgiving. Again, I think this also has merit! Also raised in that "chirstian environment" (which I havent embraced in decades) there is a subtle notion that I am wrong in a) being angry b) harboring such emotions as anger/rage/hate. I think this happens internally without any real concious effort and before I know it...I gotta forgive...Hmmm But as I wrote before, I dunno how and I have found no clear/concise method to do so. I really kinda put myself in a double bind of sorts.
Then follows Antigens question; "So what is forgiveness, anyway? Is it when you come to love someone despite the evil that's in all of us? Or is it when you completely lose all anger?"
Well shit...I am sure I can find an online dictionary to clear this whole thing up...But I seriously doubt that a definition will offer any sufficient explaination that will satisfy. Maybe it would, but I just dunno. Could the word in and of it self be so ambigious (sp) and such a lofty goal that it is unattainable and so further persuance of the goal will only lead to greater exasperation?
15-20 years ago I was diagnoised with a comorbid Explosive Temper Disorder and ADD w/o Hyperactivity. My point in revealing this is that there maybe a physical reason for my sudden rage, that is, a form of seizure activity. On the surface, that may explain alot and the issue could be dealt with and dropped. I am not of the opinion that this is entirely true. Reason is because my explosive anger is in reaction to sounds and lights...My seething rage, if you will, is unrelated to sound or light. It is moreso directly related to my memories of a lost adolesence. To the clinical people, they maybe unable to differentiate the two, but for me it is clearly two different situations.
Again, the hour has come for me to ready myself for the day. Again, I appreciate those who have contributed to this discussion! I hope it is not one that gets swept under the carpet and forgotten.
Namaste
