Author Topic: It hasn't been easy.  (Read 1086 times)

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Offline animals all of us

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It hasn't been easy.
« on: November 06, 2003, 03:11:00 PM »
The worst decision I ever made was to come and visit old mah' in La Florida.

I've spent my whole life identifying with mom, and her lack of taking care of herself rubbed off on me. So, like her, I began young looking for others to watch after me.

She dumped me off in Straight and I didn't get out until I was 18. After graduating she told me, 'You stayed in there to rebel against me' and 'You didn't do what you were supposed to do'.

A couple years later when my younger sister was out fucking the city and staying crazy high on all kinds of drugs I narked her out to my mom. Mom told me 'It's not right to incarcerate another human being'.

IT should be obvious that my mother has always had some type of sick issue with expecting men to take care of her. I have another younger sister who used to physically fight with my mom, my mom never called the police or tried to punish her in some destructive manner.

Today, years later, my mother has decided she wants to 'talk' and that Perhaps some abuses did happen in Straight Incorporated.

Most children were dumped off and forgotten in Straight Incorporated and the parents thought - well this place will naturally help me take care of a burden I don't want to handle and they will take care of our family.

I see that the problem started for me long before I went into Straight. I mean if parents were not to blame as well - why would someone like Lulu Corter be allowed to Stay in a fucking institution for THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS, or why would I be allowed to stay in some programm without my parents asking EVEN ONCE 'Hey, son, what is going on in there that you are not telling me'.

Now I understand why my father will not speak to her - person to person.

I have seen time and time again how women do very, very strange things to their children to punish them because they have sour issues with the father or other men, and also that the law allows women to have more control (for now) over the birth and rearing of the child. Ultimately men have no say so when it comes to whether or not a child should come into this fucked up world, nevermind if you can afford to feed the damn thing - some women just FEEL that it is not right to abort what is 'part of themselves'.

Sooner than later, I know many people sense that the 'mysogonistic egg' that we have been waiting to hatch for a long time actually will crack open - and EQUALITY will be equal with the sexes. No more, 'he's a dead beat dad' or 'I was an accident'. Nope.

For other reasons this was not the issue I am trying to discuss here. I think the responsibility for something so great as institutionalizing those damn kids that they didn't want to take care of lies on both parents. My father never put forth any earnest true effort to get me out of their or to understand why I got put there and he never really made effort to get in touch with me while all of us child patients were motherfucking brainwashing each other. I am absolutely certain my other parent enjoyed telling my father, 'You can't talk to your son'.

Fortunately my parents have half paid for their mistakes. I fought with both of them even more after I got out of Straight, dumb fuckers didn't even register what they had done to me. I have come really close to actually buying a gun and factually killing them; so I feel that they are lucky that they don't have to feel the full effect of what they created. Hey, lots of people kill their families for lots less.

Buutt, I guess I am lucky, too. Opposed to that worst decision I ever made coming to Florida I would have to take all the heinous shit that has happened to me over time and realize that the best decision I have made based on those shits is to get a counselor.

Helps me to realize a number of things. Where does the responsibility with my parents end and where do mine begin ???

Don't get me wrong - I am in no way excusing Straight Incorporated for its severely numerable crimes against anyone. What I'm doing here is just shedding some hard light on my pathetic existence.

Alot of children did benefit from Straight Incorporated, and add up quintuple the number of succesful graduates and you would have maybe closer number to the dysfunctional families who put their oh so prized children away expecting them children to make the whole family better. 'We're depending on you Billy'. Aah, bullshit.

It is I guess healthy for me today to focus on what my responsibilities are now. And reconcile and deliniate with the folks back home where their responsibilities are at. I have spent an awful long time looking and feeling like I want others to take care of me against the things that have happened or even perceived or felt injustices to me - and then attempting at punishing others when they wouldn't do what I needed them to do, just like my parent who I completely identified with, or being oblivious to those around me, like my other parent, and not putting forth effort.

Unluckily this therapy is not what I thought it would be. I thought I would go in to see that counselor and speak about some things that happened to me and my life would change and I would feel better. Nope.

Its never easy reliving the things that have happened to you and wanting to punish the people who did it to you. I am no cold murderer or rapist like my enemies, but it certainly doesn't feel fresh having enemies in family that I've had to go back and ammend some shit that they did to me and etc.

The latest venture is kind of looking at post violence and how it continues violence. My parents were silent and violent long before Straight helped them to be that way. And I became that way, Straight merely honed it and solidified its drive home for me. I still have urges to yell at others, especially those I want to punish for doing me wrong, to release my anger. I have found myself with restraining orders because of it. Nobody wants to be called a piece of shit and told to turn themselves in for crimes. The parent who put me in Straight wanted me to be violent because of the jealousy against my other parent. I became that. I trained in it all day for three years. I spit on others, they spit back in the name of counseling, too. That shit doesn't fly in public. If you find a person to tolerate that - you might not be far from their relatives who were in Straight as well. I reckon punishing others is not okay unless you are some god or a judge or the police, or a teacher. heh heh heh.

Luckily and fortunately I don't have to be in counseling all m.f.ing day and get honest all day and be pleasing all day getting belt looped to the restroom when I need to go. I can take it as I will.
I can do these things by myself without others tricking me to do it.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline I'll kick your arse

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Re: It hasn't been easy.
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2012, 05:08:05 PM »
:jawdrop:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »